Some people delight in sending you a Christmas letter about all the things in their life that they forgot to bother to call you about during the year. I can't be chuffed sending this out, so I'm blogging it instead. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry for not bothering to call.
2011 started the way so many years do - with embarrassment and shame. For once, this year, it wasn't drink related but I did manage to buy one of those tribal necklaces that some of the Hollywood stars wear. It acted, as some of my friends suspected, as a way of warding off spirits and potential lovers.
This year I embarked on a new career and, so far, it's working out just wonderfully thanks for asking. I was nervous about being one of those street charity collectors (or "chuggers" as they're called - short for charity muggers) but I have raised £4700 for African giraffes with irritable bowel syndrome. It's not a glamourous cause, but if you've ever been caught behind one of those suffering animals whilst on safari, you'd realise what a crucial endeavour this is.
Aside from my new job, I'm delighted to report that I spent three wonderful hours with two members of the band McFly. My legal advisor has said I'm not allowed to name them, but let's just say they were every bit the cheeky, hilarious company you'd expect them to be. I even gave them the name for their next single. Look out for "Please unlock this f***ing door you freak" in record stores soon (and on iTunes download).
This year hasn't been without serious disappointment. Just a few weeks ago I was called to give evidence to the Leveson enquiry into media ethics and, I'm sad to say, none of the news channels decided to cover my evidence live - or, indeed, report it at all. I feel it was one of my best performances and much more impressive than Piers Morgan's (he really doesn't have my acting skills).
I do hope you've had a good year. If you've sent me your Christmas letter already, you'll be delighted to know that the local council are recycling it as we speak. Yes, 2011 was also the year I learned to separate the recycling before putting out the rubbish.
Here's to 2012 and my long awaited world record attempt. I can't tell you too much about it, but involves a LOT of spray-tan.