I'm a love expert. I say "expert" because I'm very objective. I've been single for a very long time now and in that time of failed dates, rejected advances and perpetual self-loathing, I've had time to observe couples from a very neutral position. So here, for those that are single (or for those who can admit to knowing someone single) are my tips for having a successful Valentines Day.
Tip One: Playing the odds
Send out loads of cards to a large number of potential partners making it clear who the card is from. Surely one of these people will accept your advances? If one does then congratulations - you've won Valentines Day. If more than one does then be sure to know who is the hottest and pretend the card you sent to the less-hot one was a joke. If you get no dates out of this method then remember that at this time of year monasteries and convents have special open-days you can attend.
Tip Two: Blind Dating
Pester a friend to set you up with someone they know. You're making them do the hard work for you. Asking someone out is like putting your heart into a bacon slicer - all you end up with is heart slices for breakfast and high cholesterol. The blind date allows you to have a date for the big day and, because you arranged it through a friend, someone else to blame if it goes wrong.
Tip Three: Stalking
Thanks to the internet it's much easier to stalk people. You have to remain on the right side of the law for this one. It's perfectly fine, however, to look at online profiles. That old MySpace page is brilliant for finding out if they had a bad haircut or racist views back in 2004. The question is "Who do I stalk?". Is it the hottie from work, the flirt from your line dancing group or the buff pharmacist who always give you your acid reflux medicine? Well, that's a decision only you can make.
This Valentines Day, be sure you do it right. Pick one or more of these methods and let me know how you get on. These are magical tips - take it from me... I'm single.
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