Friday, 28 February 2014

Can opening lessons for students "huge success"

Controversial lessons for university students teaching them how to open canned goods have proved a 'huge success' in Eastern England.

The lessons, which were criticised by some as a waste of public money, have reduced the number of students going home to get their cans opened by parents.  Mike Apeability from Birmingham is one student who benefited from the lessons.  "Until last month I would have to take a three hour train journey just to get a can of beans opened.  These lessons have saved me hundreds of pounds a week."

The pilot project measured levels of nutrition, financial outlay and stupidity and found that students were better nourished, better off and less stupid after the lessons.

The Association of British Dentists has praised the work.  Mr Athur Dontist, chairman, said: "We used to see students trying to open cans with their teeth.  Sometimes we'd have students arrive at the surgery with the teeth still embedded in the can with little bits of sweetcorn or a 'Big Soup' seeping out of tiny holes they'd made in the metal.  The pilot project has reduced the number of these instances by around 80%".

One student, who did not wish to be named, was unable to provide a quote due to lack of teeth.

The pilot is expected to be rolled out to all UK universities in the next year.

In other news:

Unfortunate spelling error leads to embarrassment at 'Derby Public Shaving Salon'.

Cockpit announcement scares passengers when pilot announces "This is my first day".

Man arrested for actually eating shorts belonging to a B Simpson

Weather:  Disco hail and soul rain.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Mark Zuckerberg buys ice cream for $4bn

Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg has been defending his $4bn purchase of an ice cream, insisting it is worth much more.

Speaking at a branch of Hagen Daz in California, the social media giant explained that his purchase was a perfect 'brand fit'.

"There are very few products that appeal so much to young and old consumers alike.  Hell, you don't even need teeth to eat this stuff.  This ice cream is extremely valuable and I beat several people in line to get the first cone.  The first scoop is always the best and, I could be wrong, but this could be the one scoop that beats all others."

Market analysts suggest Zuckerberg has made a bad purchase.  Don Tleaveme-Thisway from analysts Price Pricey Pricier said: "The standard price, even for a first scoop of Hagen Daz is just a few dollars.  Either Zuckerberg knows something we don't about this ice cream or he has plans to clone it."

Asked what else he was likely to buy, Zuckerberg wouldn't be drawn but said "If the cool kids are doing it, I'm interested.  WhatsApp me if you've got an idea."

In other news:

Ukranians split over news of Robin Thicke / Paula Patton separation

Hot Dog seller admits his dogs 'contain only 20% dog'

Woman dies of boredom reading iTunes terms and conditions

Weather:  Processed in a factory for efficiency purposes


Monday, 24 February 2014

Uganda signs into law its anti-potato salad law

Uganda's president has signed into law a bill toughening penalties for those that eat potato salad and criminalising those who don't report cafes that serve it.

President Yoweri Museveni said he was asserting Uganda's independence in the face of distateful Western food.

"The potato does not belong in a salad.  It is an unnatural place for it to be.  Cucumber belongs there, so does lettuce and possibly some cherry tomatos for colour and variety but not the potato.  It is a sin to put the potato with a salad when this item is clearly made for baking, roasting, boiling and mashing" said a Government spokesperson.

US President Barack Obama expressed his disappointment with the Ugandan President's decision saying "I know many people who enjoy a good potato salad.  They are good people and do not deserve to pay such a huge price for eating the food that they are biologically attracted to."

Potato salad is already illegal in Uganda.

This new law punishes anyone not previously convicted of a potato salad offence with 14 years in jail, and allows life imprisonment as the penalty for acts of "aggravated potato-based saladary".

In other news:

Man in Starbucks finishes that sitcom idea he's been working on for last 5 years

New claims that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles "were terrorists"

Woman in Dorking says the town is a "prime case of nominative determination"

Weather:  Scathing with a chance of bitter remorse

Monday, 17 February 2014

George Bush to play secret New York gig

Former US President George W Bush is believed to be planning a secret New York gig at the end of the month.

Bush, famed for his set-piece slapstick performances and wordplay-based humour, is belived to be keen to get back on the road and gigging again.

A source close to the artist formerly known as "The President" said: "He misses the buzz of a live crowd.  Sure, a lot of people found his style of humour devisive but there are very few people who can do political material and make it so hysterically funny."

The location is believed to be a small comedy club in the Chelsea area of Manhattan which has come as a surprise to many as Bush's humour was always more associated with states like Texas.  

"I'm not sure we want his brand of comedy here" said one local comedian, on condition of promotional references in a future article.

Bush is expected to make a formal announcement tomorrow if he can find the way to his blog page.

In other news:

Satisfation levels with Britain's weather drops below 50%

New GM potatoes can resist nuclear war

BAFTA scrap awards ceremony and just does a BuzzFeed article

Weather:  Rambunctious

Monday, 10 February 2014

Hitmen to go on strike over pay and pensions

Hitmen in the UK are staging a two day suspension of service over a dispute focussing on their rates of pay and pensions.

Critics have suggested the strike will have a serious effect on current backlog of arranged murders in the country, with some pre-paid deaths set to take up to three weeks to complete.  However unions were unapologetic.

Adam Horton from the General Union of Nutjobs (GUN) said:
 "It was deeply disappointing to hitmen that, having agreed in December to a programme of talks with evil geniuses and the Council of Mr Bigs, none of them took the opportunity to progress this, despite our earlier consession to call off our December strike."

Mr Horton believes the reduced employer pension contributions and a below inflation pay rise is bad for members of his union.  "These guys have families to feed.  How on earth can one hitman, who in real terms is bringing in 8% less than he did before the economic downturn, feed a family of four and maintain his secret identity. It's just not practical."

We asked several evil geniuses for comment but none would talk to us, citing "pressing plans for world domination".

In other news:

Man buys optimism on eBay

In sport:

The red car and the blue car had a race


On trial for war crimes

Monday, 3 February 2014

Couple "can't upgrade civil partnership until current contract runs out"

A gay couple in Brighton are angry with the local register office because they can't upgrade their civil partnership to a marriage until their current contract runs out.

Nigel Yardley and Ian Guthrie took out the latest iPartnership back in 2012 thinking that it wouldn't run out for some time.

"It was the latest form of legal partnership at the time.  We thought, given that we paid ahead for five years, that nothing would supersede this but we were wrong" said Guthrie who works as a whole-foods importer.  

Mr Yardley said he was unapologetic for being aspirational: "When I saw the iMarriage I knew it had so many more features.  I know straight friends who have one and I know the iMarriage has way more applications.  For a start, it is much more easily recognised than an iPartnership."

The couple have been told they can buy out their old iPartnership but they will have to pay for the remaining months of the contract at the same time as taking out an iMarriage - a considerable cost to them both.

A spokesperson for the register office in Brighton wasn't available but a statement on their website said: "The new iMarriage is the very latest partnership and we have designed it to be as easy to officiate as possible.  Fashioned from one single piece of love, it has the very latest in partnership recognition and fits neatly into the palm of your life."

In other news:

Barista strike leads to hipsters wandering street looking lost

Right wing conservative breaks blood pressure record during welfare debate

Powerful fruit and veg lobby try to drive vitamin sellers out of business

Weather:  Socially oppressed but functional

Fears of London "ego bubble" grow

Concerns that London may be fueling an ego bubble were articulated by regional strategists in the UK today.

"London has been 'giving it all that' for a while now.  It's totally out of control.  The amount of money it has as a city is making it very self assured and it is ignoring its own insecurities and personal difficulties in favour of walking around like a ponce" said Anna Perition of the Regional Attitudes Agency.

The danger the bubble presents is a serious one according to psychologist Hardy Soul.  "These people are so full of their own self importance that there is a chance the arrogance bubble will burst and people in across the city may end up with prolonged periods of self doubt and disbelief, existing only on a diet of water and humble pie.  This would be devastating for the UK economy as the regions would have to pick up the price tag."

The head of London graphics company "Boo!" said: "I'm sorry, I've not read the report.  I don't really pay much attention to what comes out of the provinces".

In other news:

Charity pencil sharpening raises £200,000 for guinea pig foundation

Apple torte used as "surprise twist" in Sleeping Beauty musical

Poor performing call centre worker fails to get past computer prompts to call in sick.

Weather:  Formulaic 

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Increased economic prosperity threatens arts

As the UK economy continues to recover, arts and performers are gathering together in an attempt to retain some sense of poverty and struggle.

Artists Responding to Social Events (ARSE) say that great art is born out of difficult times and the day to day struggle people face.  Now that many artists now have jobs that pay more than the living wage, ARSE believes artistic quality will suffer.

"If you're not struggling, you're not delving deep enough" said Worthy Braid of ARSE.  "The Government isn't thinking about artists at all.  It seems to think that the recovery is good for everyone, but now that I'm making a living it's completely crushing my artistic ability.  Yesterday, for example, I was able to eat a good meal, drink an incredible French wine and didn't get any writing done aside from something for a mass market publication.  This is destroying art."

A Government spokesman said: "We recognise the contribution artists make through the struggles they have.  However, it isn't the Government's job to manufacture people's struggles through policy or the tax system.  People need to take responsibility for their own struggles rather than sponging off state subsidized hardships".

ARSE is intending to have an awareness event where people will be able to take money out of the pockets of relatively comfortable artists so that these artists can "reconnect with their artistic integrity".

In other news:

40% of tennis fans admit they watch it primarily for "the grunting"

Genetically modified tomato demands the right to equality 

Grammar pedant re-writes Star Wars saga to correct Yoda's sentence structure

Weather:  High in fibre 

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Coma boy wakes to stop dull parents talking

A Northampton boy woke from a six week coma yesterday to stop his dull parents talking to him at his bedside.

The fifteen year old boy who cannot be named for medical confidentiality reasons, was in a coma after an accident on a rollercoaster in December.  After forty three days of his parents speaking to him at his bedside, he awoke and told them to "shut the hell up before I go insane".  He then discharged himself and went to a bus stop to play Flappy Bird on his smartphone.

Speaking anonymously, the boy's mother said:  "It has been a difficult time.  He has always craved adventure and the rollercoaster accident turned our lives upside down.  We don't see ourselves as special people so we talked to him about ordinary things in the hope it would help him recover.  I told him all about the renovation we were doing on the conservatory which has involved 50% of the glass being completely replaced.  The glazier said its configuration is unique.  I know I'm grateful for the warmth we get as a result. My husband spoke about his new work in-tray.  It has a flap that keeps the paper from blowing away.  It's very clever."

In a statement, the hospital said: "We always ask family members to speak to relatives who are in a coma as their voices can stimulate the brain and help recovery.  In this case, it seems the boy got so bored with the subject matter his parents chose that he broke out of the coma in order to free himself of the monotony. We'd like to send our sympathies to the boy for having such dull people responsible for his upbringing."
In other news:

Man who gets tattoo while drunk wakes up to find out it was an incredible decision

National sarcasm championships went "really really well" according to spokesperson

Peace talks temporarily interrupted by violent dove dive bombing delegates.

Weather:  A little short for a stormtrooper.