Monday, 31 March 2014

NHS merchandise 'the future of funding'

A think tank has concluded that merchandising and a variety of other commercial spin-offs are the future of the UK's free health system.

"If the NHS is to keep up with rising healthcare costs and an ageing population then t-shirts, tote bags and teddy bears are the way forward" said Prof McDonalds-BurgerKing of the think tank 'Sponsorize".

Sponsorize released a paper today that suggests a range of t-shirt designs such as:

"I got my kidney from the NHS"

"The NHS - what a stitch-up job (they did to my head wound)"

and "Hate my kids? Love the NHS for giving me a vasectomy!"

The paper also suggests using product placement in hospitals, waiting rooms and doctors surgeries.  However, not everyone is convinced.  Ira Shonal from the pressure group 'Patient Whinge' said this was privatisation by the back door.  "We reject any changes to the NHS no matter how much they might actually improve things.  We like it as it is."

The paper has yet to be considered by law-makers because they are currently enjoying a free meal provided by Nando's.

In other news:

Paltrow now referring to sleep as 'unconscious recuperation'

Climate change could mean fewer reality shows set on beaches

Survey: One in three economists thought four people were being surveyed

Weather:  Bootylicious

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Obama has TV debate with neighbour about garden fence

President Obama's next door neighbour has taken him to task in a televised debate over the height of his garden fence.  Arbie Tration (52) believes that the President's garden fence restricts the free movement of wildlife between the two gardens and restricts trade of pollen, something Mr Tration believes is vital for bees.

"I have one very simple message.  Mr President, tear down this fence." said Mr Tration, in the televised debate he called for last month.

Mr Obama admitted he was taken by surprise about being challenged to a debate on this issue but was robust in his response.  He said: "This fence has kept us stronger and safer.  It has prevented a huge amount of inter-neighbourhood crime.  However, if my neighbour wants to debate this, I am happy to go head to head on this issue.  It's time the public got the facts about fences."

The audience was divided about who had won the debate.  Debbie from Dallas said:   "I think the President is right.  If he takes down the fence then there will be huge amounts of wild animals just wandering around the White House lawn.  I think the fence should stay.  Some people probably think I'm an isolationist but I don't care.  I don't want to have to think about the rest of the world and neither should the President."

A second debate about painting the fence has been scheduled by NBC News.  It is due to take place after Mr Tration's summer barbecue.

In other news:

Boy pulling ugly face caught in freak wind-change

Woman in US restaurant gets round of applause from staff for being the first Brit ever to tip properly

Fossil record finally transferred to mp3

Weather:  Slim fit with a low waist.  High chance of underwear exposure.

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

BBC to offer more coverage of its own bureaucracy

The BBC is to boost its coverage of its own internal bureaucracy in what its director general calls its "strongest commitment to self critique masked as new programming".
"Bureaucracy is for everyone, and from now on BBC Bureaucracy will be at the very heart of what we do," said Tony Hall.
Head of new projects and buzzwords, Helena Handcart said: "This is putting the dweeb into the beeb.  I'm delighted that we can provide great coverage of what is wrong with our corporation while at the same time using it for output.  This thinking would shame the bluest of skies with the quality of its new thinking."
There is no set date when this coverage will start due to a number of meetings that need to take place.  However viewers will be able to see the results by pressing the new red tape button.

In other news:

Daddy reschedules zoo appointment.  You won't be going tomorrow.

Athlete banned from competition after failing random spelling test

Archaeologists uncover evidence of medieval motorway services

Weather:  Wicked rain innit.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Hipster uses calendar six months ahead of actual time

You might think that it's currently March and in normal time you'd be right.  However, if you're Callum Section of London it's actually September.

Callum runs his life six months ahead of the rest of the world because he's 'ahead of the curve'.  "I'm so over March.  I've moved past its early spring mantra and seen past the summer.  I'm in a new season now.  I'd tell you all about it but you won't have heard of it so there's really no point."

Although Callum appears in the present occasionally, he says that his mind is always in the future.  "Yesterday I went to a clothing retailer and returned some clothes I've haven't even bought yet.  It blew the sales assistant's mind.  They'd not even seen the garments yet because they haven't been delivered.  The thing is, I knew I didn't need them anymore so I took them back before I even had them.  It was the right thing to do."

Callum,from Shoreditch in London, has been dismissed by local officials as 'weird', 'delusional' and 'a total arse'.  However, his council tax is six months in credit and his car, a Delorian, doesn't require traditional fuel.  Callum is lonely.

In other news:

Reunion arena tour for former bankers on the cards

Old woman who lived in a shoe moves out as result of 'bedroom tax'

74% of buskers admit their guitar needs tuning

Weather:  Feverish and fractious 

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

New survey shows trust in magicians at all time low

Public trust in magicians and illusionists has plummeted following CCTV footage of three prominent magicians paying stooges to act as audience members.

Magicians are now the group of professionals least likely to tell the truth, the public believes, and they are believed less than politicians, journalists and murderers.
7% of people trust magicians to tell the truth, down from 31% before the scandal.  Journalists, on the other hand, are trusted by 30% of people and grandmas are trusted by 94%.

“What we are seeing here is the scapegoating of a profession which has extremely high standards of ethics.” said industry spokesperson Jonny Fastfingers while pulling a scarf out of his ear.  “A few bad apples who have been caught doing things that haven’t happened for years shouldn’t ruin the trustworthy name of magic.  If this mistrust continues we will have trouble getting people handing over their watches for us to smash, and women won’t want to come forward to be sawn in half.”

After a series of high-profile escapes, zoo keepers are now also rated below politicians in the trust-worthy survey.

In other news:

Noel Edmunds wants to buy France

Man buys memorial bench for his tamagotchi

‘Unexpected item in bagging area’ at Tesco reveled as Malaysian 777

Weather:  Hurtful considering the time invested in it

Monday, 17 March 2014

Buy a funeral – get a wedding half price

A London funeral home is offering a half price wedding for every full price funeral purchased.

Willow Tree Funeral home owner Dee Parted said it was a more efficient use of their space and time.  “We noticed that the beautiful garden area outside was only occasionally used for distressed relatives of the deceased and we wanted to make more of this space.  We spend most of our time giving tissues to family members so that they can dry their tears, but since installing an automated tissue dispenser we have considerable amounts of downtime.”

Ms Parted didn’t want to lose valuable staff members to her increasingly efficient business and that is when the wedding offer was created.  “If I hear the term ‘we only see each other at weddings and funerals’ again then it will be the seventh time.  Given that these events attract similar people, and that people say how much they enjoy the way we handle our funeral home, it was the logical next step.  So many people lose a relative and end up realizing that they should marry their partner before they die.  It seemed the perfect up-sell.”

The move has been condemned by local churches who fear they may lose one of their last remaining income streams.

In other news:

Woman who constantly posts memes to Facebook admits they are ‘a cry for help’

Rugby team who were locked in washroom for five days developed ‘own language’

Pharmacist admits ‘sometimes I add to the list of side effects on prescriptions for a laugh’

Weather:  Regional prejudices giving way to process-driven outcomes 

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Branagh's 'man in Costco' nominated for top theatre award

Sir Kenneth Branagh's portrayal of a man shopping for cake at a Costco has been nominated for a British Theatrical Award. 

In what is believed to be both a social commentary and a piece of spontaneous theatre, Branagh entered the Costco in Nuneaton, UK, on March 6th to buy a large carrot cake. The awards committee said it was "one of the most grounded portrayals of middle class suburban life since Maggie Smith bought a round of drinks at Weatherspoon's". 

The eventual destination of the carrot cake is still unknown but Bert Ottoman from the British Theatrical Awards believes the real star isn't the cake: "What Sir Kenneth has done here is a master stroke. He's a very wealthy man and would never be seen in a Costco out of character. When we saw the CCTV footage it was clear that he had mastered what it's like to be on an average wage. He even counted the change and had what appeared to be a short internal monologue about whether he could really afford to put something in the charity collection box. It was an exceptionally compelling performance."

Branagh's agent said: "This is typical Ken. Always creating new and exciting theatre. He's not limited by space or forum. He's out there creating relatable characters in new environments. The carrot cake piece has clearly broken new ground. It wouldn't surprise me if he ate some of it to add to the realism". 

The British Theatrical Award winners will be announced on March 28th in London. 

In other news:

Drug invented that mitigates side effects of Mel Gibson movies

French woman wakes up to find she is the village intellectual

Zoo claims dragon may be put down after burning incident

Weather: Unconventially attractive with seasonal features

Saturday, 8 March 2014

'Non-essential' royals to be sold to foreign investors

Several members of the Royal Family have been put up for sale to foreign investors as part of a new funding model for Britain's first family.

The Government has put Prince Edward, Prince Andrew and, most controversially, Prince Harry up for sale and potential investors are being asked to go through a sealed bid process with the closing date for bids being 14th April 2014.

A Government spokesperson said the sale would provide inward investment into the UK at a key time for the economy.  "We all know that some royals are more desireable to tourists and foreigners than they are to the UK due to both their lack of constitutional function and popularity.  We felt that bringing in foreign investors to buy these particular royals will free up much needed cash for other capital investment projects such as a couple of new palaces and a big new shiny tower somewhere in London".

Some royalists are horrified fearing that this diminishes the power of the monarch.  "If the Queen or future King has foreign relatives they might start sneaking sales messages into their speeches.  They might visit certain countries more than others.  Hell, they might even start taking a more internationalist approach to things.  I think the British Royal Family should remain British, just like it has done ever since they historically moved here.... from Germany."

No one from the royal household was available for comment but a thousand trolls and keyboard warriors added nothing to the debate.

In other news:
Gift partridge in pear tree found suffering from malnutrition.

Spice Girls feud caused by failure to articulate what they really, really wanted.

Scientists discover three new types of moron.

Weather:  Scattered angst with occasional campness in the west.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

One in three Americans don't believe in Judi Dench

One in three Americans still don't believe that Dame Judi Dench exists, despite overwhelming scientific evidence.

Dame Judi has been seen in many movies over the past few decades but 34% of Americans surveyed believed she was a man-made image.

"There is often evidence of her image being poorly done by CGI" said Bobby HamSandwich of Dellaware.  "She is clearly computer generated.  Until someone can produce a vial of her blood, I won't believe that she is real" he said, while sitting on a couch watching 'America's Funniest Seizures'.

Scientists and film makers held a special conference to address the issue in January, where Dame Judi Dench was a guest.  However, Dench deniers refused to take part because it clashed with a really good episode of CSI Miami.

The most common reasons given for Dame Judi Dench not existing are:
She looks too kind to be real
She looks like a computer generated image
No human could act that well
I'm sorry, my husband is boiling over

Dame Judi Dench was unavailable for comment, which has further fueled rumours that she doesn't exist.

In other news:

Charity street collectors use up national guilt reserves

Musical theatre actor comes out as heterosexual

Recovering politician admits "I still dabble in policy but I never legislate"

Weather:  Wistful 

Monday, 3 March 2014

Putin takes charge of tool shed

A Basingstoke man is ‘furious’ after Russian President Vladimir Putin took control of his tool shed at the weekend.

Darren Grimes (32) woke up on Monday morning to discover that the tool shed, which is at the end of his back yard, had a Russian flag flying from it, and members of the Russian Army guarding the padlocked door.

“I was gobsmacked” said Darren, while staring out of his kitchen window in disbelief.  “I presume they’ve come to take the Vodka I’ve been making.  I’ve got a good store in the tool shed.  I guess they don’t like the competition.  It’s such a shame.  I really enjoyed the Sochi Olympics and this whole incident has spoiled it all for me.”

A spokesman for President Putin was unapologetic.  “Vodka is one of our finest exports.  This tool shed was a direct threat to the well being and financial stability of our country and we have taken direct, firm action.”

British Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said the UK wouldn’t be making a military intervention saying:  “We see this as a localised dispute as it is based locally in someone’s back yard.”

In other news:

Politically moderate cab driver ‘frozen out’ by colleagues

Scientists grow a new lab in laboratory

Oscars ceremony gains credibility by ending discrimination against rich people

Weather:  A bubbling cauldron of mixed signals