2015 was a year where, at very least, some things happened. Now that it's nearly over, we naturally turn to the year ahead. What will happen in 2016? Who knows, but my record at predicting events is utterly untested so I've kept it simple and predictable. I feel these are events that are sure to happen so brace yourself for a year that is almost certain to contain the following:
Privatisation of the Royal Family
With 2015 giving rise to the first majority Conservative Government in the UK since 1997, and with so little left for them to privatise, the Royals seem the most natural public commodity to sell off. Whilst regulation will have to be provided (by OfMonarch), it will mean the public will be able to own shares in the undoubted profits of the UK's first family. It is also the ideal opportunity for inward investment from the Americans and Chinese. The Royals being part-owned by President Trump would provide previously unheard-of benefits for trans-Atlantic relations.
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris launch their own range of his and hers value meats
Love is a many splendoured thing. Tay Tay and Calvin have provided us with a fairytale romance in 2015. Nothing says "celebrity relationship" like a merchandising deal and with thrift shopping being the new Waitrose, value meats are where it's at. I predict branded prawn rings and beef burgers by spring.
Hollyoaks will tackle the difficult and controversial subject of inaccurate fabric swatches
Tony orders a new sofa based on a simple burgundy striped fabric swatch. Despite John-Paul's insistence that swatches can be unreliable, Tony spends £840 plus delivery on a sofa that looks like it belongs on the set of a municipal theatre's pantomime. There will be a helpline number at the end of the episode to help people order their own sofas. Possible DFS sponsorship opportunity.
Al Gore finally becomes US president
With no credible candidates from either the Democratic or Republican parties, the American public decides to go for the only president elected in the last 100 years but not given the opportunity to take office. Al will prove to be an exceptionally effective President when it comes to policy but no one will notice because, hey, it's Al Gore.
Prosecco finally declared by United Nations as an item "essential to life"
The basic right to Prosecco will be enshrined into international law by the UN at a special session of the General Assembly when it comes to light that many in the world aren't middle class enough to even know what it is. This will end international conflict because people will finally be fabulous enough not to be drawn towards armed struggle.