Saturday, 12 March 2016

Devil Continues To Troll God On Twitter Despite Ban

The Lord of All Evil (the Devil) continues to defy a Twitter ban in order to send abusive messages to God according to God's latest Twitter rant.

The Lord Almighty had been tweeting about eternal life and a new meme about puppies when he broke into a rant about how he "shouldn't have to put up with this shit". He went on to say that he could "break the Internet whenever I like. It's only because I'm a loving God that I don't" and that "haters gonna hate".

Twitter were quick to point out that abusive Tweets can be reported and users can be blocked. Nonetheless it seems that The Devil is using multiple accounts and IP addresses to circumnavigate this.

After tweeting that he "came online to save you from your sins, not put up with name calling and abuse" God condemned Twitter as "full of darkness and bitterness" and appeared to suggest he was going to quit the social media channel for good. 

Although the Lord God Almighty has, as yet, not deleted his Twitter account, he hasn't Tweeted for two days. His Snapchat account appears to still be active, however.

In other news:

Local staging of The Can-can using canned goods from Cannes deemed a success

Trouble brews as beverage company uses Coldplay song as tea bag

Local pun champion shot by angry protestors

Weather: Wet side-eye to begin with; gradually giving way to oncoming traffic.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

New Movie About World Book Day Removes Need For Books

A new Hollywood movie about World Book Day will remove the need for anyone to read a book again.

World Book Day: The Movie is a two hour blockbuster that features some of the world's most famous books being read by some of the world's most pretentious actors.

"Never before has the publishing world be so simultaneously celebrated and decimated" said Jonathan Sideparting from PR firm Ivory Trade. "The film makers have carefully worked out what book readers love so much about reading a book: comfort, superiority and a smug head-voice. They have then created this experience in this groundbreaking piece of cinema art".

Publishers from across the world have joined together to picket cinemas screenings of the controversial film. "What people don't realise is how dangerous this film is" said Sally Upton-Overton from Contrast Books. "It's not just that publishers could lose their jobs, although that's important, it's the fact that the upper middle classes will lose yet another bragging right over the lower middle classes. Soon there won't be any delineation between the middle class at all and I for one don't want to be lumped in with the sort of people who won't even make the effort to get their children into a Church of England school".

World Book Day: The Movie will be out in movie theatres on World Book Day in both 2D and 3D.

In other news:

"Meddling kids" commit more crimes than they solve according to new survey

Smiling now the main cause of workplace smugness

Man who set up the original "Dad's taxi" firm files for bankruptcy

Weather: Serious sassy trolling until the weekend with varying chunks of overacting