Saturday, 8 March 2014
Several members of the Royal Family have been put up for sale to foreign investors as part of a new funding model for Britain's first family.
The Government has put Prince Edward, Prince Andrew and, most controversially, Prince Harry up for sale and potential investors are being asked to go through a sealed bid process with the closing date for bids being 14th April 2014.
A Government spokesperson said the sale would provide inward investment into the UK at a key time for the economy. "We all know that some royals are more desireable to tourists and foreigners than they are to the UK due to both their lack of constitutional function and popularity. We felt that bringing in foreign investors to buy these particular royals will free up much needed cash for other capital investment projects such as a couple of new palaces and a big new shiny tower somewhere in London".
Some royalists are horrified fearing that this diminishes the power of the monarch. "If the Queen or future King has foreign relatives they might start sneaking sales messages into their speeches. They might visit certain countries more than others. Hell, they might even start taking a more internationalist approach to things. I think the British Royal Family should remain British, just like it has done ever since they historically moved here.... from Germany."
No one from the royal household was available for comment but a thousand trolls and keyboard warriors added nothing to the debate.
In other news:
Gift partridge in pear tree found suffering from malnutrition.
Spice Girls feud caused by failure to articulate what they really, really wanted.
Scientists discover three new types of moron.
Weather: Scattered angst with occasional campness in the west.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
One in three Americans still don't believe that Dame Judi Dench exists, despite overwhelming scientific evidence.
Dame Judi has been seen in many movies over the past few decades but 34% of Americans surveyed believed she was a man-made image.
"There is often evidence of her image being poorly done by CGI" said Bobby HamSandwich of Dellaware. "She is clearly computer generated. Until someone can produce a vial of her blood, I won't believe that she is real" he said, while sitting on a couch watching 'America's Funniest Seizures'.
Scientists and film makers held a special conference to address the issue in January, where Dame Judi Dench was a guest. However, Dench deniers refused to take part because it clashed with a really good episode of CSI Miami.
The most common reasons given for Dame Judi Dench not existing are:
She looks too kind to be real
She looks like a computer generated image
No human could act that well
I'm sorry, my husband is boiling over
Dame Judi Dench was unavailable for comment, which has further fueled rumours that she doesn't exist.
In other news:
Charity street collectors use up national guilt reserves
Musical theatre actor comes out as heterosexual
Recovering politician admits "I still dabble in policy but I never legislate"
Monday, 3 March 2014
Basingstoke man is ‘furious’ after Russian President Vladimir Putin took control of his tool shed at the weekend.
Darren Grimes (32) woke up on Monday morning to discover that the tool shed, which is at the end of his back yard, had a Russian flag flying from it, and members of the Russian Army guarding the padlocked door.
“I was gobsmacked” said Darren, while staring out of his kitchen window in disbelief. “I presume they’ve come to take the Vodka I’ve been making. I’ve got a good store in the tool shed. I guess they don’t like the competition. It’s such a shame. I really enjoyed the Sochi Olympics and this whole incident has spoiled it all for me.”
A spokesman for President Putin was unapologetic. “Vodka is one of our finest exports. This tool shed was a direct threat to the well being and financial stability of our country and we have taken direct, firm action.”
British Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said the
wouldn’t be making a military intervention saying: “We see this as a localised dispute as it is based locally in someone’s back yard.” UK
In other news:
Politically moderate cab driver ‘frozen out’ by colleagues
Scientists grow a new lab in laboratory
Oscars ceremony gains credibility by ending discrimination against rich people
Weather: A bubbling cauldron of mixed signals
Friday, 28 February 2014
Controversial lessons for university students teaching them how to open canned goods have proved a 'huge success' in Eastern England.
The lessons, which were criticised by some as a waste of public money, have reduced the number of students going home to get their cans opened by parents. Mike Apeability from Birmingham is one student who benefited from the lessons. "Until last month I would have to take a three hour train journey just to get a can of beans opened. These lessons have saved me hundreds of pounds a week."
The pilot project measured levels of nutrition, financial outlay and stupidity and found that students were better nourished, better off and less stupid after the lessons.
The Association of British Dentists has praised the work. Mr Athur Dontist, chairman, said: "We used to see students trying to open cans with their teeth. Sometimes we'd have students arrive at the surgery with the teeth still embedded in the can with little bits of sweetcorn or a 'Big Soup' seeping out of tiny holes they'd made in the metal. The pilot project has reduced the number of these instances by around 80%".
One student, who did not wish to be named, was unable to provide a quote due to lack of teeth.
The pilot is expected to be rolled out to all UK universities in the next year.
In other news:
Unfortunate spelling error leads to embarrassment at 'Derby Public Shaving Salon'.
Cockpit announcement scares passengers when pilot announces "This is my first day".
Man arrested for actually eating shorts belonging to a B Simpson
Weather: Disco hail and soul rain.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg has been defending his $4bn purchase of an ice cream, insisting it is worth much more.
Speaking at a branch of Hagen Daz in California, the social media giant explained that his purchase was a perfect 'brand fit'.
"There are very few products that appeal so much to young and old consumers alike. Hell, you don't even need teeth to eat this stuff. This ice cream is extremely valuable and I beat several people in line to get the first cone. The first scoop is always the best and, I could be wrong, but this could be the one scoop that beats all others."
Market analysts suggest Zuckerberg has made a bad purchase. Don Tleaveme-Thisway from analysts Price Pricey Pricier said: "The standard price, even for a first scoop of Hagen Daz is just a few dollars. Either Zuckerberg knows something we don't about this ice cream or he has plans to clone it."
Asked what else he was likely to buy, Zuckerberg wouldn't be drawn but said "If the cool kids are doing it, I'm interested. WhatsApp me if you've got an idea."
In other news:
Ukranians split over news of Robin Thicke / Paula Patton separation
Hot Dog seller admits his dogs 'contain only 20% dog'
Woman dies of boredom reading iTunes terms and conditions
Weather: Processed in a factory for efficiency purposes
Monday, 24 February 2014
Uganda's president has signed into law a bill toughening penalties for those that eat potato salad and criminalising those who don't report cafes that serve it.
President Yoweri Museveni said he was asserting Uganda's independence in the face of distateful Western food.
"The potato does not belong in a salad. It is an unnatural place for it to be. Cucumber belongs there, so does lettuce and possibly some cherry tomatos for colour and variety but not the potato. It is a sin to put the potato with a salad when this item is clearly made for baking, roasting, boiling and mashing" said a Government spokesperson.
US President Barack Obama expressed his disappointment with the Ugandan President's decision saying "I know many people who enjoy a good potato salad. They are good people and do not deserve to pay such a huge price for eating the food that they are biologically attracted to."
Potato salad is already illegal in Uganda.
This new law punishes anyone not previously convicted of a potato salad offence with 14 years in jail, and allows life imprisonment as the penalty for acts of "aggravated potato-based saladary".
In other news:
Man in Starbucks finishes that sitcom idea he's been working on for last 5 years
New claims that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles "were terrorists"
Woman in Dorking says the town is a "prime case of nominative determination"
Weather: Scathing with a chance of bitter remorse
Monday, 17 February 2014
Former US President George W Bush is believed to be planning a secret New York gig at the end of the month.
Bush, famed for his set-piece slapstick performances and wordplay-based humour, is belived to be keen to get back on the road and gigging again.
A source close to the artist formerly known as "The President" said: "He misses the buzz of a live crowd. Sure, a lot of people found his style of humour devisive but there are very few people who can do political material and make it so hysterically funny."
The location is believed to be a small comedy club in the Chelsea area of Manhattan which has come as a surprise to many as Bush's humour was always more associated with states like Texas.
"I'm not sure we want his brand of comedy here" said one local comedian, on condition of promotional references in a future article.
Bush is expected to make a formal announcement tomorrow if he can find the way to his blog page.
In other news:
Satisfation levels with Britain's weather drops below 50%
New GM potatoes can resist nuclear war
BAFTA scrap awards ceremony and just does a BuzzFeed article