Walk this way

Pop group The Wanted have previewed their new song "Walk Like Rihanna" today. This got me thinking about famous walks. I'm sure it's the first thing you thought about too. (That and how DOES Jay get such great volume in his hair, and how do I recreate the look?)

Musically, over the years, we have been encouraged to do many walks. Walk The Dinosaur by Was Not Was was impractical due to extinction and lack of suitable collars. The Police told us about Walking On The Moon which is fine if you can afford the rocket fare. Many have told us that you'll Never Walk Alone. I challenge that given my stomach acid issues recently.

Of course the cockney favourite The Lambeth Walk is possibly the most famous walk in London.

Then there's Kirsty Wark on Newsnight. Just because she spells it differently doesn't make her any less valid when it comes to walking.

In summary, we now have another walk to investigate. How does Rihanna walk and can I carry off the heels to adopt the walk myself?

Things to do at a wedding

I was at a fantastic wedding this weekend. I know fantastic is an overused word, but how many weddings have a free bar that runs until midnight? I feel justified in saying fantastic on this occasion, even if by 8.30pm on Saturday I was incapable of saying it, let alone spelling it.

It strikes me that there are several handy things you need to do when at a wedding.

1) Pace yourself with your drinking. There is no point in discovering there is a massive cheese platter available from 9pm when you are too drunk to taste the difference between stilton and baby bell.

2) Think of things to say at the line-up of the happy couple and relations. You have to say something to each of them and "wasn't it a lovely day" gets dull fast. Much better to say "I thought the vicar sounded like Bob Hoskins" or "Your hat looks good enough to eat". Do try to be original. Do also draw the line at comments such as "Is the bride's brother single and gay?". This question is best saved until after the first dance.

3) Line your pockets with a carrier bag. You are at an event where there is copious free food and drink. You need to be pacing yourself and probably taking some of the good stuff home so that you can enjoy it later. Especially at weddings of very rich people, this is a way of taking from the rich and redistributing wealth (well, I do live in Nottingham). If you are a guest at the wedding, and the food is laid on free, it seems perfectly reasonably and I can't for the life of me work out why I haven't yet done this. Thankfully I have three more weddings to go to this year so at this rate, I'll avoid a few supermarket shopping trips.

If you choose to use these tips do let me know how you get on. Remember, a wedding is there to be enjoyed, cherished, and used as an excuse for bloody good feed at someone else's expense.

Oh, and by the way I'm indifferent

Facebook is allowing users in the US to add emoticons to express their feelings in statuses.

I may be missing the point here, but doesn't a decent status give you a clue to the feelings of its author?

Does "I'm feeling really happy" need a :) at the end?
Does "Sad to report my cat died" really need :( to punctuate it?
Does "Barry just joined me in the hot tub and he's brought his weight-loss shake" really need... actually we need a new one for that.

I realise it is easy to be misunderstood in this digital age.  A misinterpreted text could cause a rift in a new relationship, or in the case of North Korea it may even cause thermonuclear war.  So anything that helps us clarify our intentions may be a good thing.

I tend to believe misunderstanding can be avoided, however, with decent spelling and punctuation.  That beats an emoticon any day.  Especially if I constantly have to fly to America every time I wish to use one.

Wrinkle Cream

Your elbow is wrinkly.  

I realise that elbows, by their very design, are supposed to be wrinkly, but you need to be self conscious about this.  I've just seen a commercial for a product that softens your elbow wrinkles.  

I'm already beginning to blame the fact I'm almost permanently single on the fact that my horrible elbows haven't been treated with some sort of filler or wrinkle reduction cream.

How could I have been so naive all this time?

Wait, what if my elbows start to develop crows feet around the wrinkles?  What should I do about that?  

I'm a big fan of natural remedies rather than surgery so I'm going to consider never straightening my arms whilst wearing a t-shirt, so that people will never see the full extent of the shameful granny-like elbows I'm sporting.

At least, that's what I'll do until the next big paranoia the advertising agencies attempt to stir up.  I hear this season moist eyeballs are out and Adams apples are in.  Great news if you are a man with a glass eye but terrible news if you are a woman well functioning tear ducts.  

Songs That Could Be About Breaking Wind

There are a lot of high-brow theories about lyrical content that can be consumed on the world wide web but very few concentrate on the very real possibility that performing artists are having a laugh at our expense.... by writing lyrics about breaking wind. The humble trump is, I suspect, what many stars are singing about.


Here are three examples:


One Direction - Live While We're Young


Hey girl I’m waiting on ya, I’m waiting on ya
Come on and let me sneak you out
And have a celebration, a celebration
The music up, the windows down


Red Hot Chili Peppers - Zephyr Song


Did you meet your fortune teller
Get it off with no propeller
Do it up it's always stellar
What a way to finally smell her
Pick it up it's not to strong - for you
Take a piece and pass it on

Fly away on my Zephyr
I feel it more than ever


Ed Sheeran - Let It Out


So let it out
Let it out, now
I let it out
I let it out now, now


Any more?

Nursery Rhymes In Pop Songs

Fashion goes in cycles.  Stylistic trends come and go.  The latest trend in pop music is referencing nursery rhymes and it's more prevalent than you might think.

In Nicki Minaj's "Starships" she uses a clip of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and gets the audience to delightfully fill in the "how I wonder what you are" lyrics.  It's a lovely throwback to the days of childhood from which her hardcore fans have barely just escaped.

Robbie Williams has just unveiled his new song "Candy" which contains a bit of "Ring-a-ring-o-roses"in it.  The rhyme,  believed to be about the Great Plague of England in 1665, is known by children all around the world.  It brings instant familiarity to Robbie's song.

Are there more examples, Lloydie?

I'm glad you asked.  Yes.  I have searched high and low to find the following examples which appear to have been overlooked.

The nursery rhyme "Itsy Bitsy Spider" appears in a Bono song called "Sanctimony" which is about a fictitious prisoner of conscience trying to climb up a water tower in which he is imprisoned.

The nursery rhyme "Little Miss Muffet" is featured in Katy Perry's song "Empowerment" which is about a woman with arachnophobia.

And the nursery rhyme "London Bridge Is Falling Down" features in the Sugababes song "We Hate Each Other".

If you spot any others, do let me know.

Halloween Is Coming - UGH

Some religious folk think it's the work of the devil - and they may just have a point.

When you examine Halloween what exactly is good about it?  Apart from candy.  Here are some signs that Halloween may really be a bad thing.

1)  People dress up in costumes.  These are invariably dreadful.  From the "we've put a sheet over him to make him look like a ghost" to the really bad masks you get in certain greetings card shops, it's a pretty poor show.  I really don't want to be opening my door to someone wearing a Prince William mask.

2)  People put candles in pumpkins.  I mean really?  Did no one teach you fire safety as a child?  This is a poor idea and I suspect the local fire brigade agree with me.

3)  Fake cobwebs.  We try to get rid of the real ones so why would we want fake ones?

4)  Children holding you to ransom in exchange for Chupa Chups.  This is terrible parenting.

5)  Someone will write a blog about how it has become over commercialised and lost its true meaning


The only good thing about Halloween is that we can revisit Tracy Jordan's "Werewolf Bar-mitzvah" from 30 Rock.

"Boys become men - men becoming wolves"