Wednesday, 26 November 2014

"We want to eavesdrop on you at parties" - Theresa May

The UK Home Secretary, Theresa May, is to publish a new counter terrorism bill that allows her to "drop in to any party within a two mile radius" in order that she can eavesdrop on conversations.  The new bill, known as "gossip girl" allows the Home Secretary or appointed ministers access to homes and businesses if they are "having a social function, serving canapes or opening a bottle of fizz".

A spokesperson said: "We know that a lot of criminal activities happen at parties so having a member of the Government present allows us to witness this behaviour first hand whilst holding a mini sausage roll in the other hand.  That way we can go back and produce more relevant legislation and reduce our expenses claims for mini sausage rolls".

Liberal Democrats within the coalition say they will block the move.  One senior Lib Dem source said: "This is typical Theresa.  She suffers with serious FOMO everytime there's a party going on.  Last year she crashed our party conference because she heard we had opened a bottle of Waitrose Prosecco in the hotel.  I wouldn't mind but I'd opened it in the privacy of my own hotel room.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered Theresa May sipping from a champagne flute whilst using my bidet".

This move follows on from several other controversial bills including one where the Transport Minister announced that he was going to turn up on people's driveways to kick their tyres.


In other news:

Reality TV star critically ill in hospital after overdosing on fame

Man leaves village in shame after constantly mispronouncing espresso as expresso

Woman loses ability to form facial expressions due to over-use of emojis

Weather:  All up in your face with a sassy front moving in from the east by dusk


Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Geldof furious after Apple adds Bono to the Band Aid single

Apple's decision to automatically include Bono on the new Band Aid charity single has enraged Bob Geldof and left some fans in disbelief.

The single, released this week, has already raised huge amounts for a good cause but many people are wondering how Bono automatically appeared on it.  "I heard all the artists I know, like Clean Bandit and One Direction, and then this other voice.  Turns out it's some guy called Bono who I clearly did not expect to be in my ears" said Hannah Wrigglesworth (15).

Bono has put out a statement saying: "Oops, I’m sorry about that. I had this beautiful idea. Might have gotten carried away with ourselves. Artists are prone to that kind of thing: A drop of megalomania, a touch of generosity, a dash of self-promotion, and deep fear that if I wasn't on the latest Band Aid single that people might forget I was on all the others".

Geldof admitted he was "angry and confused.  "Bono wasn't in the studio.  Quite how he managed to do this deal with Apple where they simply put him in the song without me knowing is beyond me."

Apple have offered iTunes users a free device that removes Bono from their consciouness.

In other news:


New inflation figure of 1.3% turns out to be Numberwang

Ed Miliband to improve popularity over Christmas by being served in a red cup


Decision to give Charles Manson a gun license defended by the NRA

Weather:  Hipster rain.  You'll only notice you're wet if you're cool.  

Thursday, 6 November 2014

UK Banks: Nobody talks about our high quality drama

The UK banking sector has hit out at critics for always focussing on the negative aspects of their businesses.  In a statement released from one of their money pits, the FUKBS (Federation of the UK Banking Sector) said it was "as complex as any human".

The statement appealed for people to consider all parts of their sector.  "Yeah, so we caused a global financial crisis the like of which most living people have never experienced, however that one thing should not define us.  Some of us are in drama groups and the head of one of the largest UK banks gained a lot of acclaim for directing the John Godber play "Bouncers" in June.  Why hasn't that made headlines?

"No one seems to want to talk about our drama.  The Chief Finance Officer of one of the bailed out banks is an exceptional baritone who has a string of lead parts in musicals to his name.  Where are the Tony Awards for him?  He gets passed over simply because he is part of the financial sector that is still part-owned by the tax payer.  Sure, some of us banks have foreclosed on families and caused global hardship, but we've also brought joy to thousands through the medium of theatre.  It's not all one sided you know."

Public reaction to the statement has been mixed.  Helen Pick from Sheffield said: "I think we got them wrong.  It's easy to criticise, but let's face it, who hasn't caused financial panic on a global scale in one sense or another?  I know I have."

However, Peter Street from Sussex said: "I know they are trying to do good things in their spare time but if they really cared they wouldn't focus on established theatre, they'd help a developing art form like improvised comedy."

An off-West End revival of the Rogers and Hammerstein musical "Carousel" starring bankers from across the sector opens tonight.  Tickets start at £55 with a £35 government subsidy.

In other news:

Waiter deliberately asks "Is everything ok with your food" while customer has mouth full of food
"How about best of three?" Obama asks Republicans after mid-terms
Ed Miliband releases new CD of ambiguous noncommittal public statements

Weather: As cold as your heart.

Friday, 31 October 2014

Hallowe'en sales down due to gamers complaining costumes "not as realistic as game graphics"

Sales of hallowe'en merchandise have taken a massive downturn this year due to an organised boycott by the gaming community.

Writing in an online forum at 3.26am, unicorn_pickle said "Costumes in shops are whack.  I am totes staying in on Friday and doing it virtually. There's a store round the corner from me selling blood soaked pumpkin heads and they look like they were made in a craft lesson by an 8 year old.  Screw that".

Psychologist Angora Lesion said this was another sign that this incredibly powerful community is taking a more activist stance in the world.  "We all know these people enjoy staying inside away from what they regard as a world that will never be as good as they can experience online or in games.  However their critique of the real world is more vocal than ever before.  In five years from now it's likely these people will only leave the house with a virtual reality helmet on to enhance their real world experiences".

One knock-on effect of this boycott is that homes will be left with spare chocolate, potentially fuelling the current obesity epidemic.

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said: "This is typical of the gaming community and their iron will to change how we socialise.  How is my child supposed to know what it's like to be sworn at by the elderly or have a door slammed in their face if they can't take part in Halloween."

In other news:

Shallow end in talent pool facilitates better swimming for B-listers

New auto-tune for stand-up comedians makes jokes hit the mark more often

Murderous star of one man show "acted alone" say police and theatre critics


Weather:  So last season.  Thanks climate change.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

David Cameron confronted on street by own conscience

British Prime Minister David Cameron has been confronted by his own conscience while out walking in Leeds.

His security agents appeared powerless as Mr Cameron's conscience confronted him on subjects such as poverty, privilege and his favourite Pet Shop Boys song.  The exchange, which was witnessed by numerous passers-by, is believed to have lasted just a couple of minutes but has left Mr Cameron "shaken and confused" according to an official spokesman.

A close friend of the Prime Minister said: "David always thought his conscience was clear, but it turns out it's more translucent, with a glowing outline.  It looks very much like him but it wears a gold chain and a shell suit.  It's as if Mr Cameron's conscience has been shopping in Sports Direct. David has never seen himself represented like this and is exceptionally bemused by the encounter."

The incident has once again raised the issue of how effective Mr Cameron's security detail actually is.  However, Securiforce 4 - the private contractor dealing with the PM's security - says this isn't their fault.  "As a security provider with 9 months of experience in the security sector we could not possibly have foreseen this incident.  Mr Cameron has never been confronted by his conscience so we have no previous experience in this area."

Supporters of the opposition were cheered by the news.  One Labour supporter said: "If David Cameron can be confronted by his conscience maybe there's hope that Ed Miliband can be confronted by his personality.  Or at least by a personality of some sort, even if it's not actually his."


In other news:

People to be screened at airports for signs that they might recline their seat

New Shazam feature listens to awkward silences and tells you what the hell they're about

Housing market fails as traders admit their stalls aren't robust enough to have houses place on them

Weather:  A barely believable narrative featuring sunshine with significant plot-holes from the start.

Friday, 24 October 2014

Tesco hire The Count from Sesame Street to be new Chief Financial Officer

Troubled UK retailer Tesco is believed to have hired The Count from Sesame Street to help turn its financial fortunes around.

Tesco today revealed that their profits had been overstated by a total of £263m but hope that The Count will help things by the time the next financial year hits.

When asked for comment The Count merely said: "I can see why they would want me in this position.  I can count.  One…ahahaha.  Two…ahahaha…."


When asked how The Count would differ from the previous Chief Financial Officer, a Tesco spokesperson said: "He will be totally different.  It's like comparing apples and oranges.  Or ready meals and Tesco Value Kidney Beans.  Or sliced bread and tampons.  The point I'm making is that they are very different."


Markets have reacted with disbelief at the news.  Peterborough Market said "I can't believe they put a total Muppet in charge of Tesco's finances" to which the reply came from one trader "Are you referring to The Count or the previous incumbent?"


In other news:


Obama goes on kissing tour of polling booths - "It's my most intimate tour yet" says President


Woman finds agent for her tweets after "finding her Twitter voice"


Creative community in California devastated to find member who "quite likes the sciences too"


Weather:  

Coz the rain is gonna rain, rain, rain, rain, rain
And it falls upon the plain, plain, plain, plain, plain
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, 
I shake it off, I shake it off



Friday, 3 October 2014

£3 pill stops you wanting to be a racist after two glasses of pinot grigio

600,000 people in the UK who consume more than two glasses of wine on a night out are to be offered the first drug ever to be licensed to help reduce casual racism.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (Nice) recommended the use of a tablet called paraharmonisator after trials showed it cut phrases like "Some of my best friends are black" by 71%.

Experts claim the drug, which costs £3 a pill, could save as many as 2,000 resignations from company boards and reduce "general idiocy" in society as a whole.

Helen Adill, 46, said she was keen to take the drug: "I grew up in the 1970s when there was a lot of casual racism in sitcoms.  I recognise it's wrong and only last week a new caribbean restaurant opened here in Nutsford and I happily took a flyer for it.  I also know that when I've had a drink, the 1970s haunt me;  I turn into my mother and I say things that should probably be kept in the past or in a UKIP party election broadcast".

The pill, which will be available in most pharmacies from next week, will ironically only be available in white.

In other news:

Harvard professor admits "most of my lectures are dick jokes and bits lifted from TED talks"

Jeremy Clarkson's hair revealed to be weaved from mix of candy floss and contempt

Gig promoter accidentally comps whole audience into Katy Perry gig


Weather: Off hand cloudy spells with middle class rain coming down in bottles by the end of the road