Thursday, 22 January 2015

Chilcot enquiry delayed until relevant emojis can be found

The Chilcot Report inquiry into the Iraq War will not be published until relevant emojis can be found, according to an insider.

Sir John Chilcot was expected to confirm in a text to David Cameron that it would be delayed until after the election as "no one can find a suitable emoji for the term weapons of mass destruction".

While there has been some criticism of the decision to delay the report, many young voters have admitted that they won't understand the document if it's just text.  Jackie Hill from Gravesend, Kent said "I know some people will think it's dumbing down, I don't really give a *smiling pile of poo emoji*"

There are believed to have been problems getting emojis from Apple phones to match up with Android users.  An insider from the team compiling the report said "We have managed to find an emoji to signify 'war criminal' just down from the 'sassy camel' emoji on iOS8 but Android phones only have an emoji for a 'dictator' and that not the same thing at all".

The report will now not be published after this May's election - the first election which allows voters to rank candidates on the ballot by using smiley faces.

In other news:
Man's iTunes invoice proves he was in 'a bad place' when he last binge downloaded songs

Rihanna wins legal battle against her hair

Cigarette manufacturers deny tempting kids to smoke with new Barney The Dinosaur packaging

Weather: Unrequited sunshine leading to miserable showers later. Unpredictable. Keep your distance.

Friday, 26 December 2014

Record number of food babies expected to have been delivered this week

This week is believed to be a record breaking one as midwives are believed to have delivered a record number of food babies in hospitals across the UK.

Reports of people who had entered the official 'pregnant with food' stage were rife across social media on Christmas Day.  By December 29th the NHS was struggling to cope with the number of food babies being delivered and several hospitals have declared a state of emergency.

Derek Rose (34) from Leatherhead in Surrey went into labour at 4.15am yesterday and was transported to his local hospital but had to wait several hours in agony because the labour ward was so full.

"I realise I should have taken precautions" said Mr Rose, with a tube of haemorrhoid cream in his right hand.  "I had some fun on Christmas Day and didn't really think about the consequences.  I only realised I was expecting a food baby when I woke up this morning in agony.  My wife knew exactly what was happening and called an ambulance."

NHS staff are reminding people ahead of their New Year celebrations to eat in moderation and always use an antacid tablet straight after the fun if you think you may have had too much sausage.

In other news:

Polly Toynbee to wring in the new year with her hands

Person in museum pretending to be interested in art actually thinking about taking salsa classes

Peterborough Services voted "most romantic spot" by town planners

Weather:  A nightmare dressed as a daydream with occasional mascara run. 

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Woman's annual Christmas newsletter wins Pulitzer Prize

Madeline Enwright of Brooklyn has won a Pulitzer Prize for her annual round robin letter detailing her family's year.  The letter, placed inside her Christmas cards, has been circulated every year since 1991 when her first son was born.

"I just felt I needed to share all our news as a family and we have done so ever since. I can only imagine it is very comprehensive because no one ever has the need to follow up on it or ask questions about it - which is remarkable considering we send out nearly 500 of them."  said Mrs Enwright.

The prize committee gave the award for "a distinguished and appropriately documented year of family achievement and struggle that maintained a sense that the world really does revolve around them".

This year's prize winning letter details how youngest daughter Polly (9) has been learning the clarinet and how at one point, her playing was of such beauty that two blackbirds sat on her shoulders (one on her left, one on her right) and sang along as she played Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A.

It hasn't been all sunshine in the Enwright household though.  The letter mentions serious issues for husband Andrew.  "This year Andrew's promotion wasn't as prestigious as it has been in previous years so we had to cut our family visit to Barbados from two weeks to just ten days.  This was a difficult thing to do but we know that the extra money we have put into our pensions and children's college funds will be worth it in the long run.  We know in this tough economy, other families - possibly yours - will be making similar sacrifices".

Mrs Enwright, on receiving the award, said: "This gives me a wonderful opener of next year's newsletter, but it also means that I will need to change the letterhead for the first time since 1991 to reflect this wonderful award."

In other news:

Champion hot dog eater in doping scandal 

Dog "the size of a house" charged council tax by local authority

Controversy as Cameron Diaz steps out wearing coat made of real Ewok fur

Weather: Colder than Elsa when she's singing "Let It Go" giving way to melted hearts later

Monday, 22 December 2014

Rudolf faces fine over traffic violation

Santa's most famous reindeer is facing a £60 fine for going in the wrong direction down a one-way street in Lapland.  Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer (age unknown) of Cherry Tree Drive, North Pole was caught on a traffic camera in Gift Street last week but is contesting the fine.

"This never used to be a one-way street and the new signage is very hard to read when you have presents to deliver for children all over the world and tougher delivery targets than last year.  I think Lapland Council need to look at their signage again."

A Lapland Council traffic enforcement spokesperson said: "The priorities on Gift Street have been well advertised and all our signage is in line with current Lapland Highways Authority guidance.  We are very sorry that Mr Reindeer feels it's not enough.  The Gift Street junction with Snow Road has been an accident blackspot recently and the change to a one-way system is done with safety in mind".

The Tax Payers' Alliance has criticised Lapland Council for using the traffic camera as a stealth tax. "It's clear they want to raise as much money as possible to pay for a delivery of fancy new snow ploughs with diamonds on the wheel trims.  It's so obvious even though we have no evidence for this."  Lapland Council say all the money raised from the camera is spent on keeping roads safe for sleighs, toboggans and snowboards.

In other news:

Rihanna admits "We found love in a hopeless place" lyric is a reference to Hastings

Three wise men confused due to inability of TomTom SatNav to track a star

New Govt information film "How not to be a nob" draws criticism from nobs

Weather:  Sassy with a hint of ironic festiveness.  Drunk rain and spilled pints by Friday.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Santa loses delivery contract to Amazon

In a shock move before Christmas, Santa has lost the right to deliver gifts in two of his most profitable territories.

The contracts to Europe and North America were terminated this morning as part of tough new competition laws.  Speculation is rife that the new contractor Amazon will be using drones rather than a sleigh.

Santa, trading as North Pole Enterprises, is now faced with the prospect of selling off much of his stock at a vastly reduced price.  One elf, who spoke on condition of anonymity said: "We've got a job lot of Peppa Pig onesies that we're never going to shift now.  To terminate the contract so soon before Christmas is almost definitely a political move.  His recent criticisms of the banking system probably led to this.  Or it could have been the swearing at the children's concert."

The ETU (Elf Trade Union) has said it will fight for its members' employment rights with many fearing Amazon will use non-elf labour for the first time in Christmas gift production and dispatch history.

A spokesperson for the United States Government said "Everyone is incredibly sentimental about reindeer and sleigh delivery but in 2014 it is less and less viable economically.  Added to this the environmental health impact of reindeer droppings from 2,000 feet is incredibly negative.  We feel that the time had come for change and we wish Santa all the best with his future endeavours".

This morning a large quantity of reindeer meat was put on sale on eBay from a North Pole-based account.

In other news:

"It's a miracle" says Jesus after yet another miracle

72% of families still think the phrase "Dad's taxi" is hilarious

Putin to wrestle a bear on live television on New Year's Day

Weather:  The sort of rain that makes you suspicious about water and the sort of snow that makes you suspicious about people's sanitation.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Arms trade Black Friday ends in war over an aircraft carrier

Black Friday has, once again, brought out the worst in people as world leaders lined up at midnight outside Gerry's Arms Emporium in Norfolk, England in the hope of getting a bargain weapon of mass destruction.

When the doors opened the US and Russian presidents were seen wrestling an aircraft carrier out of each other's hands in the hope that they would be the one to save $2bn on the recommended retail price.

Putin lost the carrier to Obama but picked up three tanks for the price of two and is driving them to a US airbase in the UK, causing a serious international incident and sparking a war with the British.

Speaking for the United Nations, Annabel Bates Head of Pricing and Consumer Chaos said: "We have seen these scenes before.  Last year two representatives from Pakistan pushed in line so that they could buy a rocket launcher before the French.  A row developed but eventually the French surrendered.  Today's scenes, however, are a considerable worry not least because Vladimir Putin insisted on removing his shirt and oiling up before trying to wrestle Barack Obama."

Black Friday is an increasingly international consumer event and most branches of retail have embraced its low-price, high violence mentality.

In other news:

Man who writes all emails in capitals really does shout in real life

Young people 72% more likely to bring down average age of workforce than older folks

Dinner guest killed after asking awkward question about origin of pastry in host's pies

Weather:  A cluster of poor metaphors strung together to make a mediocre powerpoint. Eye rolls later.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

"We want to eavesdrop on you at parties" - Theresa May

The UK Home Secretary, Theresa May, is to publish a new counter terrorism bill that allows her to "drop in to any party within a two mile radius" in order that she can eavesdrop on conversations.  The new bill, known as "gossip girl" allows the Home Secretary or appointed ministers access to homes and businesses if they are "having a social function, serving canapes or opening a bottle of fizz".

A spokesperson said: "We know that a lot of criminal activities happen at parties so having a member of the Government present allows us to witness this behaviour first hand whilst holding a mini sausage roll in the other hand.  That way we can go back and produce more relevant legislation and reduce our expenses claims for mini sausage rolls".

Liberal Democrats within the coalition say they will block the move.  One senior Lib Dem source said: "This is typical Theresa.  She suffers with serious FOMO everytime there's a party going on.  Last year she crashed our party conference because she heard we had opened a bottle of Waitrose Prosecco in the hotel.  I wouldn't mind but I'd opened it in the privacy of my own hotel room.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered Theresa May sipping from a champagne flute whilst using my bidet".

This move follows on from several other controversial bills including one where the Transport Minister announced that he was going to turn up on people's driveways to kick their tyres.

In other news:

Reality TV star critically ill in hospital after overdosing on fame

Man leaves village in shame after constantly mispronouncing espresso as expresso

Woman loses ability to form facial expressions due to over-use of emojis

Weather:  All up in your face with a sassy front moving in from the east by dusk