Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Angels issued new guidance on stone rolling

In a health and safety shake-up that is proving controversial in the after-life, angels are now only allowed to roll stones away from graves after reading an eight page pamphlet and completing a full risk-assessment.

Heaven's Safety and Welfare Officer, Angel Greg Waters said this was a precautionary measure to ensure angels didn't strain their shoulders, backs or wings.  "Wing injuries are more common now than ever before and there simply aren't enough angels to roll stones away from graves should the situation arise, such as it did at Easter."

The new pamphlet "So you're rolling a heavy stone for religious reasons?" has been condemned by 'Anglus' -  the biggest UK contractor of angels - as "health and safety gone mad.  It's not like we have many stone rollings.  The last one was 2000 years ago."

This comes after last week's controversial ruling that crucifixions were no longer allowed on Good Friday as it is 'a public holiday'.  The backlog in crucifixions has become a political hot potato with no major political parties yet able to say how they would deal with the deficit in state-sponsored execution.

In other news:

Restaurant asks diner 'are you enjoying your meal?' while she doesn't have a mouthful of food

'Combat shyness' workshop doesn't go ahead after only workshop leader turns up

Apple launch new iPersonality for the people who cheer at its product launches

Weather:  Dark and brooding with a sensual charm

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Man survives after flying economy on a domestic flight

A twenty eight year old man has survived a flight from San Francisco to New York in the economy class section of a major US airline without major trauma.

The unnamed man was not damaged mentally or physically during the four hour flight despite a meal that needed carbon dating to reveal what it was, and having to seat through the inflight movie 'Olympus Has Fallen'.

"The man's lucky not to be seeing a shrink" said FBI spokesman Simon Hampshire in New York.  

The man emerged from economy when Flight 33 touched down on Sunday morning at La Guardia airport.  He started wandering towards the baggage carousel and was seen to be in reasonable health with few signs that he had been forced to watch what was, at best, an average movie.

Many believe he was unconscious for most of the journey and, as a result, missed out on the food service, dirty tray table and 'hot drink that doesn't resemble tea or coffee'.

Others who have made their way into domestic economy in the US have suffered discomfort, bloating, people invading their personal space and a need to re-evaluate their travel priorities.

In other news:

"We will make it illegal to laugh at Ed Balls' name" says new Labour manifesto

Starbucks moves its headquarters outside of wardrobe to avoid Aslan

Pay rises beat inflation in charity football match

Weather:  Sassy with co-ordinated finger snaps

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

School bully head-hunted by payday loan company

Payday loan company Kwik Readies has recruited a school bully as it's Head of International Operations.  Dean Pincher (15) of Chesterfield has been taking lunch money from students at his local school for the past seven years.  "I'm delighted to be heading up this operation and bringing what I've learned out in the field into the boardroom".

Kwik Readies chairman, Tammy Ponn (47) welcomed Pincher to the organisation.  "His track record speaks for itself.  We look forward to him engaging internationally with the same people skills that he has used to make considerable sums.  He really is the new face for our company."

Kwik Readies was recently criticised for its high interest rates and for using people's legs as collateral.  Their phrase "Easy loans, repaid quickly or you haven't a leg to stand on" has won two advertising awards and condemnation from anti-violence campaigners.

Pincher will start "just as soon as my mock GCSEs are over.  I'm expected to do well at mathematics because a boy is year 11 has been doing most of my coursework.  I will be contracting out some of my Kwik Readies work to him too".

In other news:

Man who took picture of himself every day for three years suddenly realises he left the lens cap on

47 year old man defaults on his own age - banks tell him he is now 54

Woman with addictive personality in hospital after getting addicted to her own personality

Weather:  Not accessible by public transport until Friday

Monday, 14 April 2014

67% of couples haven't discussed catch-up TV preferences

In a new survey an astonishing 67% of people admit they haven't talked with their partner about what catch-up TV they like to record.

In a poll that gets to the very heart of the relationship health of the nation, most people admit they are scared to admit to their partner that they have created a series-link for cooking programmes, reality TV and Portuguese talent shows.

Dr Sue Dough-Science, author of the report, says it's no surprise: "You can tell a lot about a person from their viewing habits so it's understandable that, in this superficial age, people would want to hide less desirable shows from their partner."

Julian and Sarah Fidelity filed for divorce recently after Julian found that Sarah had been recording episodes of the Bravo show "The World's Most F***able Men".  Mr Fidelity said:  "I had no idea.  This came as a total shock - especially considering our last name.  I should have realised that nominative determination doesn't get cured through marriage".  Sarah's maiden name was Sarah Adulterer.

Dr Dough-Science says couples need to be more up-front with each other.  "Just say to your partner, 'Hey, I'm a casual consumer of British Sci-Fi shows, and I want you to know that before we take things further'.  These days there are specialist dating sites which deal with particularly hardcore TV fetishes such as Homes Under the Hammer or Bargain Hunt."

In other news:

Modest peacock accused of 'humaning'

World Wildlife Fund trying to preserve endangered species of humans who know the difference between 'less' and 'fewer'

'Live like Jay-Z' kit includes air freshener that smells of Beyonce farts

Weather:  Available in all good open spaces 

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Man paints email password on front of house

American security experts are warning people not to paint their online passwords to the outside of their home after a man in Huntsville, Alabama wrote "Babydoll88" in emulsion on the front of his two story home.

Terry Fied (26) said he was scared he would forget his passwords unless he was able to see them clearly.  "I have so many things to remember in my life and I really didn't want to have to keep my email password in my brain" he said before admitting "I seem to be getting a lot of hate mail from people I have definitely not written to.  That's confusing me."

Security expert Andy Geekanowich said "We are seeing these sort of lax security issues more and more.  Mr Fied needs to either remember his password or have it written somewhere secure where only he can find it.  Ideally, it should be something that only he can remember, like a letter / number combination of a memorable word or the place where he lost his virginity."

Security experts have the following top tips:

DO - 

Have a letter / number combination password
Keep it secret
Regularly review your online security


Tell people your passwords when drunk
Invite people to 'try to hack me'
Paint  your password on your house or tattoo it on the back of your hand.

In light of the security breach, Mr Fied is having his home demolished and replaced with a sculpture of Angry Birds.

In other news:

London Marathon runner admits 'I did it for the attention, not for the designated charity'

Warm day prompts 62% of people to say 'Oooh isn't it warm' on an hourly basis

Chocolate box admits 'I'm not the greatest metaphor for life'

Weather:  Refundable with a valid proof of purchase

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Windy Miller quits in windmill expenses scandal

Windy Miller, the popular character in the children's TV show 'Trumpton' has resigned in the wake of an expenses scandal that won't go away.

In a letter to the Mayor of Trumpton, Miller (47) said: "I have become a distraction from the great work this town is doing in highlighting the plight of animated communities."  The Mayor said he hoped that Miller would be able to return to animated life in future, possibly in the series 'Camberwick Green'.

Windy Miller was cleared of using a publicly funded windmill to house his parents at local taxpayers' expense, but was told to repay £2,000 of the expenses he claimed.  The independent commissioner for standards in Trumpton and Chigley had previously recommended he repay £20,000.
Villagers in Trumpton are divided in their opinions.  Local carpenter Chippy Minton felt sorry for Miller.  "This was clearly a mistake, just like the time Windy took all that grain and sold it to a dodgy foreign country.  I really think we should be more forgiving".  

Others were less forgiving.  "We never liked him anyway.  He always had his curtains drawn until midday and his bread was full of bits.  Good riddance" said local fireman Barney McGrew.

In other news:

Cute puppy admits 'I know exactly how to get what I want'

Hostel set up for those left homeless as a result of locksmiths' strike

Woman admits 'some days I can tell it isn't butter and that bothers me'

Weather:  Medium rare

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Shergar's black box detected

Racing pundits searching for the missing race horse Shergar have detected signals that may have come from its black box race recorder.

Shergar, which won the Epson Derby in 1981 has been missing since 1983 and despite 21 years without any sightings experts are optimistic that this signal is 'for real'.

Racing expert Enid Questrian said: "If you'll pardon the pun, we have gone to great lengths to search for this horse.  Horses don't just disappear and although the batteries in most racing horses only last a few weeks, it's possible that Shergar's black box could still be emitting a weak signal.

"That said, if you'll pardon the pun, we still have a number of hurdles to overcome.  We will need to get a proper reading on this signal.  This isn't easy to do because it's not, if you'll pardon the pun, stable".

The search continues.

In other news:

High number of phone thefts 'may be due to people needing to make urgent calls'

Big band music ruled illegal in Crawley

Google install 'money shower' at head office

Weather:  Out to tender due to efficiency drive