Friday, 31 October 2014

Hallowe'en sales down due to gamers complaining costumes "not as realistic as game graphics"

Sales of hallowe'en merchandise have taken a massive downturn this year due to an organised boycott by the gaming community.

Writing in an online forum at 3.26am, unicorn_pickle said "Costumes in shops are whack.  I am totes staying in on Friday and doing it virtually. There's a store round the corner from me selling blood soaked pumpkin heads and they look like they were made in a craft lesson by an 8 year old.  Screw that".

Psychologist Angora Lesion said this was another sign that this incredibly powerful community is taking a more activist stance in the world.  "We all know these people enjoy staying inside away from what they regard as a world that will never be as good as they can experience online or in games.  However their critique of the real world is more vocal than ever before.  In five years from now it's likely these people will only leave the house with a virtual reality helmet on to enhance their real world experiences".

One knock-on effect of this boycott is that homes will be left with spare chocolate, potentially fuelling the current obesity epidemic.

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said: "This is typical of the gaming community and their iron will to change how we socialise.  How is my child supposed to know what it's like to be sworn at by the elderly or have a door slammed in their face if they can't take part in Halloween."

In other news:

Shallow end in talent pool facilitates better swimming for B-listers

New auto-tune for stand-up comedians makes jokes hit the mark more often

Murderous star of one man show "acted alone" say police and theatre critics

Weather:  So last season.  Thanks climate change.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

David Cameron confronted on street by own conscience

British Prime Minister David Cameron has been confronted by his own conscience while out walking in Leeds.

His security agents appeared powerless as Mr Cameron's conscience confronted him on subjects such as poverty, privilege and his favourite Pet Shop Boys song.  The exchange, which was witnessed by numerous passers-by, is believed to have lasted just a couple of minutes but has left Mr Cameron "shaken and confused" according to an official spokesman.

A close friend of the Prime Minister said: "David always thought his conscience was clear, but it turns out it's more translucent, with a glowing outline.  It looks very much like him but it wears a gold chain and a shell suit.  It's as if Mr Cameron's conscience has been shopping in Sports Direct. David has never seen himself represented like this and is exceptionally bemused by the encounter."

The incident has once again raised the issue of how effective Mr Cameron's security detail actually is.  However, Securiforce 4 - the private contractor dealing with the PM's security - says this isn't their fault.  "As a security provider with 9 months of experience in the security sector we could not possibly have foreseen this incident.  Mr Cameron has never been confronted by his conscience so we have no previous experience in this area."

Supporters of the opposition were cheered by the news.  One Labour supporter said: "If David Cameron can be confronted by his conscience maybe there's hope that Ed Miliband can be confronted by his personality.  Or at least by a personality of some sort, even if it's not actually his."

In other news:

People to be screened at airports for signs that they might recline their seat

New Shazam feature listens to awkward silences and tells you what the hell they're about

Housing market fails as traders admit their stalls aren't robust enough to have houses place on them

Weather:  A barely believable narrative featuring sunshine with significant plot-holes from the start.

Friday, 24 October 2014

Tesco hire The Count from Sesame Street to be new Chief Financial Officer

Troubled UK retailer Tesco is believed to have hired The Count from Sesame Street to help turn its financial fortunes around.

Tesco today revealed that their profits had been overstated by a total of £263m but hope that The Count will help things by the time the next financial year hits.

When asked for comment The Count merely said: "I can see why they would want me in this position.  I can count.  One…ahahaha.  Two…ahahaha…."

When asked how The Count would differ from the previous Chief Financial Officer, a Tesco spokesperson said: "He will be totally different.  It's like comparing apples and oranges.  Or ready meals and Tesco Value Kidney Beans.  Or sliced bread and tampons.  The point I'm making is that they are very different."

Markets have reacted with disbelief at the news.  Peterborough Market said "I can't believe they put a total Muppet in charge of Tesco's finances" to which the reply came from one trader "Are you referring to The Count or the previous incumbent?"

In other news:

Obama goes on kissing tour of polling booths - "It's my most intimate tour yet" says President

Woman finds agent for her tweets after "finding her Twitter voice"

Creative community in California devastated to find member who "quite likes the sciences too"


Coz the rain is gonna rain, rain, rain, rain, rain
And it falls upon the plain, plain, plain, plain, plain
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, 
I shake it off, I shake it off

Friday, 3 October 2014

£3 pill stops you wanting to be a racist after two glasses of pinot grigio

600,000 people in the UK who consume more than two glasses of wine on a night out are to be offered the first drug ever to be licensed to help reduce casual racism.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (Nice) recommended the use of a tablet called paraharmonisator after trials showed it cut phrases like "Some of my best friends are black" by 71%.

Experts claim the drug, which costs £3 a pill, could save as many as 2,000 resignations from company boards and reduce "general idiocy" in society as a whole.

Helen Adill, 46, said she was keen to take the drug: "I grew up in the 1970s when there was a lot of casual racism in sitcoms.  I recognise it's wrong and only last week a new caribbean restaurant opened here in Nutsford and I happily took a flyer for it.  I also know that when I've had a drink, the 1970s haunt me;  I turn into my mother and I say things that should probably be kept in the past or in a UKIP party election broadcast".

The pill, which will be available in most pharmacies from next week, will ironically only be available in white.

In other news:

Harvard professor admits "most of my lectures are dick jokes and bits lifted from TED talks"

Jeremy Clarkson's hair revealed to be weaved from mix of candy floss and contempt

Gig promoter accidentally comps whole audience into Katy Perry gig

Weather: Off hand cloudy spells with middle class rain coming down in bottles by the end of the road

Monday, 29 September 2014

Shaun The Sheep defects from CBBC to UKIP

Popular Children's TV character Shaun The Sheep has joined the UK Independence Party stating that he could no longer remain with "EU Friendly" Children's BBC.

Speaking this morning at the start of what is a busy week of children's entertainment for CBBC, Shaun said his move was difficult but necessary.  "There are sheep from all over Europe coming into the UK in lorries and trucks without so much as a pet passport.  It has to stop."

Shaun also cited the European Wool Mountain and "quotas on knitwear sales from Brussels" as reasons he could no longer work for the BBC which he said was "a Euro-friendly statist organisation that is indoctrinating the next generation into dreadful ideas such as sharing, freedom and environmentalism".

The BBC was unavailable for comment but UKIP stated that it hopes Shaun would stand as a candidate in one of its target Kent constituencies to help boost the youth vote at the 2015 General Election.

In other news:

The term "Lad" to be reclaimed by ordinary young men rather than owned by idiots

Term time to be "significantly shorter than is realistic" at the world's first school for gifted creationists

Trouble brews at the main party political conferences this season instead of coffee

Weather:  No whip, double shot and hot with a chance of sprinkles.  In summary: Grande.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Apple Mac bug available in three different colours and two sizes

Apple's OS X operating system has a security flaw which users can now get in three different colours.  Hackers are available to access users' software through a bug which is available as an add-on for just £299.

The bug, available in yellow, burgundy and brushed steel, can be 4mm by 3mm or 2mm by 1.5mm.

Many people are suggesting the smaller version of the bug is almost undetectable and will make it harder for hackers to get into rich, Apple-buying hipsters' computers - a claim rejected by Apple.

This hasn't stopped Apple fans lining up around the block at Apple Stores around the world to attempt to get their hands on this bug.

Steven O'Connor from Southampton, England was one of seventy people standing in line at his local Apple Store: "If I'm going to get a bug, I want it to be an iBug.  I only want to be hacked by Apple Approved hackers, otherwise the hack is whack".

Some hackers, however, don't want to be part of Apple's iBug scheme:  One hacker, who wanted to remain anonymous said: "I went to the iBug developers' day and it was disappointing.  I expected better access to the computers of strangers but instead, Apple regulate how many computers you can illicitly access.  They really control the market here."

In other news:

New agency set up to provide politicians with 'ordinary people 'to mention in speeches

"Gay abandon night" at the National Cautiousness Conference fails to meet minimum sign-up number

UN admit "We'll appoint anyone as a special ambassador"

Weather: Moderate emotional intensity in the morning, gradually giving way to scenes of a graphic nature by tea time.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

"Pimp my booth" project addresses voting booth fatigue

As turnouts for elections continue to decline, a new project to make voting booths more appealing has been launched.

Francesca Klein of the Center for Voter Turnaround said: "For years, people have dreaded going into a musty voting booth made of wobbly wood, to put a cross in a box.  This project seeks to make that booth appealing, relevant and hope to make people realise that voting booths can be fun".

A selection of sample booths were available to be viewed at the Voter 2014 Expo in Paris this week.  Local election departments at town halls can buy a basic model from just £144 which includes streamers, calming landscape watercolour prints and a rainbow pencil for voting.  Higher end voting booth models have built-in incense dispensers, hand lotion and whale-song music.

Cllr Jonathan Unwin of North East Midlands District Council in England wasn't convinced the strategy would make people want to vote.  "I'm a hideous individual and a terrible local councillor.  I have no reason to believe that a fancy voter booth will motivate people to vote for me.  I would rather they stayed home and left me to it, frankly".

Pimped-up voting booths will debut at the Scottish Independence referendum next week.

In other news:

Bus driver admits "I drive faster into puddles near bus stops deliberately"

Homophobia in sport now relegated to "after 8pm only"

New iPhone to offer 'hipster beard trimmer' attachment as standard

Weather:  As moist as a Mary Berry fruit cake with occasional candid peel.  A chance of soggy bottoms towards the end of the day.