Tuesday, 15 April 2014

School bully head-hunted by payday loan company

Payday loan company Kwik Readies has recruited a school bully as it's Head of International Operations.  Dean Pincher (15) of Chesterfield has been taking lunch money from students at his local school for the past seven years.  "I'm delighted to be heading up this operation and bringing what I've learned out in the field into the boardroom".

Kwik Readies chairman, Tammy Ponn (47) welcomed Pincher to the organisation.  "His track record speaks for itself.  We look forward to him engaging internationally with the same people skills that he has used to make considerable sums.  He really is the new face for our company."

Kwik Readies was recently criticised for its high interest rates and for using people's legs as collateral.  Their phrase "Easy loans, repaid quickly or you haven't a leg to stand on" has won two advertising awards and condemnation from anti-violence campaigners.

Pincher will start "just as soon as my mock GCSEs are over.  I'm expected to do well at mathematics because a boy is year 11 has been doing most of my coursework.  I will be contracting out some of my Kwik Readies work to him too".

In other news:

Man who took picture of himself every day for three years suddenly realises he left the lens cap on

47 year old man defaults on his own age - banks tell him he is now 54

Woman with addictive personality in hospital after getting addicted to her own personality

Weather:  Not accessible by public transport until Friday

Monday, 14 April 2014

67% of couples haven't discussed catch-up TV preferences

In a new survey an astonishing 67% of people admit they haven't talked with their partner about what catch-up TV they like to record.

In a poll that gets to the very heart of the relationship health of the nation, most people admit they are scared to admit to their partner that they have created a series-link for cooking programmes, reality TV and Portuguese talent shows.

Dr Sue Dough-Science, author of the report, says it's no surprise: "You can tell a lot about a person from their viewing habits so it's understandable that, in this superficial age, people would want to hide less desirable shows from their partner."

Julian and Sarah Fidelity filed for divorce recently after Julian found that Sarah had been recording episodes of the Bravo show "The World's Most F***able Men".  Mr Fidelity said:  "I had no idea.  This came as a total shock - especially considering our last name.  I should have realised that nominative determination doesn't get cured through marriage".  Sarah's maiden name was Sarah Adulterer.

Dr Dough-Science says couples need to be more up-front with each other.  "Just say to your partner, 'Hey, I'm a casual consumer of British Sci-Fi shows, and I want you to know that before we take things further'.  These days there are specialist dating sites which deal with particularly hardcore TV fetishes such as Homes Under the Hammer or Bargain Hunt."

In other news:

Modest peacock accused of 'humaning'

World Wildlife Fund trying to preserve endangered species of humans who know the difference between 'less' and 'fewer'

'Live like Jay-Z' kit includes air freshener that smells of Beyonce farts

Weather:  Available in all good open spaces 

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Man paints email password on front of house

American security experts are warning people not to paint their online passwords to the outside of their home after a man in Huntsville, Alabama wrote "Babydoll88" in emulsion on the front of his two story home.

Terry Fied (26) said he was scared he would forget his passwords unless he was able to see them clearly.  "I have so many things to remember in my life and I really didn't want to have to keep my email password in my brain" he said before admitting "I seem to be getting a lot of hate mail from people I have definitely not written to.  That's confusing me."

Security expert Andy Geekanowich said "We are seeing these sort of lax security issues more and more.  Mr Fied needs to either remember his password or have it written somewhere secure where only he can find it.  Ideally, it should be something that only he can remember, like a letter / number combination of a memorable word or the place where he lost his virginity."

Security experts have the following top tips:

DO - 

Have a letter / number combination password
Keep it secret
Regularly review your online security


Tell people your passwords when drunk
Invite people to 'try to hack me'
Paint  your password on your house or tattoo it on the back of your hand.

In light of the security breach, Mr Fied is having his home demolished and replaced with a sculpture of Angry Birds.

In other news:

London Marathon runner admits 'I did it for the attention, not for the designated charity'

Warm day prompts 62% of people to say 'Oooh isn't it warm' on an hourly basis

Chocolate box admits 'I'm not the greatest metaphor for life'

Weather:  Refundable with a valid proof of purchase

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Windy Miller quits in windmill expenses scandal

Windy Miller, the popular character in the children's TV show 'Trumpton' has resigned in the wake of an expenses scandal that won't go away.

In a letter to the Mayor of Trumpton, Miller (47) said: "I have become a distraction from the great work this town is doing in highlighting the plight of animated communities."  The Mayor said he hoped that Miller would be able to return to animated life in future, possibly in the series 'Camberwick Green'.

Windy Miller was cleared of using a publicly funded windmill to house his parents at local taxpayers' expense, but was told to repay £2,000 of the expenses he claimed.  The independent commissioner for standards in Trumpton and Chigley had previously recommended he repay £20,000.
Villagers in Trumpton are divided in their opinions.  Local carpenter Chippy Minton felt sorry for Miller.  "This was clearly a mistake, just like the time Windy took all that grain and sold it to a dodgy foreign country.  I really think we should be more forgiving".  

Others were less forgiving.  "We never liked him anyway.  He always had his curtains drawn until midday and his bread was full of bits.  Good riddance" said local fireman Barney McGrew.

In other news:

Cute puppy admits 'I know exactly how to get what I want'

Hostel set up for those left homeless as a result of locksmiths' strike

Woman admits 'some days I can tell it isn't butter and that bothers me'

Weather:  Medium rare

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Shergar's black box detected

Racing pundits searching for the missing race horse Shergar have detected signals that may have come from its black box race recorder.

Shergar, which won the Epson Derby in 1981 has been missing since 1983 and despite 21 years without any sightings experts are optimistic that this signal is 'for real'.

Racing expert Enid Questrian said: "If you'll pardon the pun, we have gone to great lengths to search for this horse.  Horses don't just disappear and although the batteries in most racing horses only last a few weeks, it's possible that Shergar's black box could still be emitting a weak signal.

"That said, if you'll pardon the pun, we still have a number of hurdles to overcome.  We will need to get a proper reading on this signal.  This isn't easy to do because it's not, if you'll pardon the pun, stable".

The search continues.

In other news:

High number of phone thefts 'may be due to people needing to make urgent calls'

Big band music ruled illegal in Crawley

Google install 'money shower' at head office

Weather:  Out to tender due to efficiency drive

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Wookie cull pilot fails to control TB outbreak in mid rim territories

A bid to reduce the number of wookies in the Mytaranor system in the mid rim has failed after a recent pilot culling programme.

The wookie cull involved shooting wookies but failed, in part, because wookies are notoriously good with a blaster.  While many in the mid rim territories believe wookies spread TB and other diseases, an innoculation programme was initially ruled out due to sheer numbers and some of the wookies being uncomfortable with going to medical centres because they 'smelled something'.

The failed programme saw a fleet of attack droids descend upon Mytaranor and attempt to shoot wookies in areas where there were a large number of TB outbreaks.  However just a day into the pilot project, reports came back that the droids had their arms pulled out of their sockets and were unable to fire their weapons.

Protestors, who wore 'I'd rather kiss a wookie' t-shirts, have claimed victory and believe that a vaccination programme will now be rolled out.

The Empire's environmental spokesperson, Owen Patterson, said: "I suggest a new strategy.  Let the wookies win'.

In other news:

Inflation bites as half a pound of tuppeny rice and treacle no longer enough to make weasel pop

After extensive search, missing train found in cul-de-sac

After over 100 years of hilarity, the term 'hand cream' now downgraded to 'whimsical' 

Weather:  Judgemental with a hint of lust 

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Buzzfeed closes after taking one of its own quizzes

The Buzzfeed website has been forced to close after taking its own 'Which website are you?' quiz and discovering that it was Yahoo.

Former Buzzfeed president, Angelina Populist, said: "We have always believed our quizzes to be an accurate indicator of how things are in a person or corporation's real life.  For example, when I took the 'Which Star Wars character am I?' quiz and discovered I was Han Solo, I immediately started hanging out with large hairy people who looked like Chewbacca. 

"To discover that Buzzfeed was in fact Yahoo made us redundant as a site and we simply had to abide by our own decision.  Corporate life is like that.  You're only as good as your last quiz."

News reached Buzzfeed staff yesterday in the form of an internal company quiz called 'Which type of redundant employee are you?'.  Aaron Jumper, 26, who received the quiz result 'few transferrable skills' said: "It was a total shock.  One second I was writing '16 things you didn't know about Miley Cyrus' eyebrows' and the next I was taking a quiz about employee rights and the uncertainty of the current labour market."

Analysts have suggested the quiz may have been tampered with by a competitor company or hacker but this remains speculation as there is no one employed to generate a quiz called 'How to know if your quiz outcomes have been sabotaged."

In other news:

Parody websites see hit rates down on April 1st as mainstream media adopts their agenda

Speed dating evening called off due to stopwatch malfunction

Justin Bieber takes devil to court for illegal posession of his soul

Weather:  Password protected