Saturday, 13 September 2014

"Pimp my booth" project addresses voting booth fatigue

As turnouts for elections continue to decline, a new project to make voting booths more appealing has been launched.

Francesca Klein of the Center for Voter Turnaround said: "For years, people have dreaded going into a musty voting booth made of wobbly wood, to put a cross in a box.  This project seeks to make that booth appealing, relevant and hope to make people realise that voting booths can be fun".

A selection of sample booths were available to be viewed at the Voter 2014 Expo in Paris this week.  Local election departments at town halls can buy a basic model from just £144 which includes streamers, calming landscape watercolour prints and a rainbow pencil for voting.  Higher end voting booth models have built-in incense dispensers, hand lotion and whale-song music.

Cllr Jonathan Unwin of North East Midlands District Council in England wasn't convinced the strategy would make people want to vote.  "I'm a hideous individual and a terrible local councillor.  I have no reason to believe that a fancy voter booth will motivate people to vote for me.  I would rather they stayed home and left me to it, frankly".

Pimped-up voting booths will debut at the Scottish Independence referendum next week.

In other news:

Bus driver admits "I drive faster into puddles near bus stops deliberately"

Homophobia in sport now relegated to "after 8pm only"

New iPhone to offer 'hipster beard trimmer' attachment as standard

Weather:  As moist as a Mary Berry fruit cake with occasional candid peel.  A chance of soggy bottoms towards the end of the day.

Monday, 8 September 2014

William and Kate expecting new iPhone

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have today announced that they are expecting a new iPhone when it launches later this month.

In a statement before Apple's official launch of the new iPhone tomorrow, William and Kate said: "We are so pleased.  It's what Steve Jobs would have wanted."

When asked if they were trying for an iWatch a spokesperson for the couple said: "One step at a time".

Various random businesses have been tweeting congratulations that will never been seen by the couple.  Jill's Bakehouse of Wigan, UK, tweeted: "OMG. They're going to have another phone. We'll be sending them a frangipane to celebrate. x" whereas Mike's Wheel Rims in Detroit, USA, tweeted "Hey @willsandkate now you're expecting a new phone expect some sleepless nights. I'm gonna be callin ya long distance".

This will be the Duke and Duchess' second phone and will most likely be used as a spare in case the first phone dies in a toilet bowl-related incident.

In other news:

Scotland now feels independent enough for trips into town with its mates

Ariana Grande downloads to come with free shot of vanilla

Survey shows 64% of people happy with controversial 'death by burger' option at Dignitas clinic

Weather: Bringing the beat back in the morning with a slow fade through the afternoon.  Summary: Well sick.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Family of four discovers world actually does revolve around them

Milton Keynes, England:

Oliver and Penny Harris had their suspicions confirmed today when it was officially revealed that the world did in fact revolve around their family.

Scientists in Switzerland, who had originally been looking for a cure for acid reflux, discovered that the earth was rotating around the Milton Keynes family, possibly because their precise, well scheduled activities for their children were so awesome.

Mrs Harris was jubilant, saying:  "Ever since Imogen got a gold star in jiu jitsu, I was certain that we shouldn't be amending our lifestyles to cater for anyone else.  Our children are our world and our world is clearly supporting the rest of the solar system.  Now little Matthew is walking at only 9 months old, I think it's perfectly reasonable for everyone else to base their lives around ours."

Prime Minister David Cameron has already been in touch to make sure his motorcade doesn't drive through Milton Keynes at the same time as Imogen Harris' Rainbow Guides group ends, to avoid the Harris' any traffic delays when they pick her up.  

Single friends and childless couples have now been downgraded to the status of "satellite humans" until such time as they have children that will attend similar interest groups or provide suitable play dates for Imogen and Matthew.

The news hasn't been without controversy.  A group of "Family orbit deniers" have cited several scientific studies that suggest the Milton Keynes family orbit research is flawed and the product of societal hysterial.

In other news:

Deep fried Mars bars vote for independence from Scotland

Man trapped in cupboard fears his eventual escape may trigger rumours about his sexuality

Clothed pictures of Miley Cyrus found uploaded to the cloud

Weather:  Rain, cloud, wind in the mix.  Bringing the beat back by afternoon. 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Ice Bucket Challenge To Raise Cash For Key Workers

The success of the Ice Bucket Challenge has now been adopted by the Government to help raise money for nurses and teachers.

"This is the sort of selfless fundraising that exemplifies the Big Society and it is the ideal way to raise money to pay essential workers in the UK" said the Prime Minister before pouring a bucket of ice water over his head and nominating George Osborne and Katy Perry.

Critics of the Prime Minister were quick to point out that his offer to "pay for one nurse for a day" wasn't an affordable thing for most people on an average wage.  Mr Cameron dismissed this accusation by saying, "Paying for a nurse is just one thing you can do.  You could always pay their training fees or  pay for the building of a new school.  Small gestures but they make a big difference when you add them up."

However not all politicians are fans of the Ice Bucket Challenge.  Home Secretary Theresa May has objected to the lack of decent quality ice to put in gin and the leader of the opposition Ed Milliband has complained that the charisma he froze in ice twenty years ago is in danger of thawing due to the ice shortage.

In other news:

Hungry Hungry Hippos demand a more varied diet than 'just marbles'

Jazz and folk music outlawed in Luton

The 1980s call to say "Actually we don't want your retro references back.  You're welcome to them"

Weather:  Gluten free with a chance of lactose

Monday, 21 July 2014

Man who always hits "reply all" is "a clinical tw*t"

A London man who always hits the 'reply all' button to emails sent to the whole office has been judged by psychologists as a 'clinical tw*t'.

Last Tuesday the man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, replied to an office email about a new photocopier by saying "Great news.  Now I'll have better quality pictures of my butt".  He also recently replied to an email about someone leaving the company by saying "Miss ya.  LOL".

Dianne Poynter who works as a lawyer, and who is unconnected to the man in question said "Sometimes I'm on my break looking at a breaking news story on a website and I get an email alert.  Nine times out of ten it's some tw*t replying to all to say something completely inane.  If you want to have a discussion hold a meeting, otherwise keep your fingers away from the 'reply all' key.  It's like people have no awareness of their own tw*ttery".

Psychologists warn that this behaviour is on the rise.  Warning signs include over-use of emojis, calling people 'hun' and putting inspirational quotes in frames on your desk.

In other news:

Chief Executive of Tesco takes final bow after performing "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor

Self-effacing sudoku champion admits "it's a numbers game"

Trades descriptions chiefs criticise 'Pound Shop' for occupying shop premises worth £230,000

Weather:  Mild for a curry but hot for a dog.  Occasional puns.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Brits still have "no f***in clue how to respond to the weather" says survey

A new survey shows that most Britsh people are unable to mentally cope with the summer weather.

50% of Brits said summer left them feeling "too hot, sticky and tired" whereas the remaining 50% said the rain during the summer months left them feeling "wet, sticky and upset".

Gary Unwin from the British Weather Advisory Service said "After all these years of unpredictable, almost unforecastable weather, Brits still have no f***in clue how to respond or deal with it.  Sometimes the sun comes out and sometimes there is rain.  It's often humid in the summer without sun and then the seasons change and we get more rain.  Really, how hard is it?"

Nonetheless, newspapers have been full of seasonal weather stories for the last few weeks and many members of the public remain disappointed and stressed by the weather conditions.

"I just wanted to play swingball in the garden for an hour but after 20 minutes in the sunshine I had to abandon a tense match with my nephew due to a shower" said a total moron who wished to remain anonymous.

The latest forecast indicates there will be more weather until at least September.

In other news:

NASA abaondons Planet of the Apes mission due to an outbreak of shit throwing

BBC becomes so inward looking it negates the need for a corporate colonoscopy

Sour Cream and Chives becomes the official Pringles flavour of the 2014 UN Security Council 

Weather:  Moody with occasional door slams due to high pressure situations

Saturday, 12 July 2014

15% of people unsure if they "can't believe it's not butter"

In a damning survey for the multi-national bread covering, 15% of people still aren't sure if they can't believe it's not butter.

For years "I can't believe it's not butter" has led the charge in taste deception spreads that taste like butter but aren't actually butter.  Now this survey shows that three in every twenty people (that's nine out of every sixty) really aren't sure where they stand on the issue.

A debate in Parliament in scheduled for Tuesday to attempt to settle the question definitively.  A taste test will be undertaken by all MPs before a vote is held.  The vote needs to be unanimous for "I can't believe it's not butter" to retain its Food Standards "licence to spread with integrity".

Other results from the survey include:

9% of people still believe Harry Potter is Arch-bishop of Canterbury

31% of people want military interventions for school yard disputes

96% of people want "naked barista nights" at Starbucks

In other news:

Travel by giant bird closer that previously thought thanks to genetic experiment

Tea and sympathy may cause cancer

10CC's "Dreadlock holiday" delayed due to air traffic controllers' strike

Weather:  In your face rain.  Emotionally distant drizzle.