Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.... and

I'm just a boy who can't say "no".  This may come as no surprise to improvisers as improv is very much about saying "yes" to the reality that has been created in a scene.  Saying yes to an idea or suggestion can lead you to amazing places and get you into trouble in equal measure.  Danny Wallace's book "Yes Man" is a testament to that.

So where has saying "yes" got me?  Here are three examples:

1) When I was 17 I wrote a letter to the local paper.  I was that kind of nerd.  Off the back of that letter I was asked to meet a local organisation to talk about the United Nations.  I'll be honest - it sounded a bit dull.  I nearly declined.  However, I said "yes".  I met with them, wrote a letter about the UN to the paper, and off the back of it they sent me to Russia for a week on a conference.  I drank vodka with the Under Secretary General of the United Nations and made a speech on Soviet TV.

2) A former boss of mine was working at the BBC and asked if I wanted to go and see "Later with Jools Holland" being recorded.  I've been to quite a few tapings of TV shows and, although I like "Later" it was a long week, I was working away from home and I was going to have to co-ordinate transport with a friend.  It seemed like a hassle.  I decided to say "yes".  I hadn't bothered to look into who was playing that particular show.  Imagine my surprise when I turned up and saw Paul McCartney, Adele, Bjork and Editors playing on the same night.  Awesome!

3) I was browsing YouTube and saw Tina Fey doing an improvised monologue about ham.  I was wondering if anyone did any improv in Nottingham.  Turns out there was a group called "MissImp".  Their website said "Come along on Thursday" to their open jam.  The thought of turning up on my own and then making stuff up that was supposed to be "funny" in front of them was scary.  Nonetheless, I said "yes" to the invitation - and now I improvise on stage and even make money from teaching it.

Embracing a concept or an idea and seeing where it takes you is, for me, the most exciting and rewarding thing you can do with your life.

Here's some improv I got to do in March with one of my improv teachers from New York.  All we are really doing is saying "yes" do an idea and seeing where it takes us.

My Most Pathetic Celeb Encounters

"Oh you work on the radio" said the lady in the bank yesterday.  "Which celebrities have you met?" she enquired, wide-eyed and excited for her vicarious celeb encounter.  I wheeled out the only good one I have.  Most of my friends know this one and have heard it a number of times.  That's because it's the only good one I have.

Don't get me wrong, I've met a few celebrities.  It's neither something of which I'm proud or ashamed.  Like any other group of people, there are lovely ones and ones who you could cheerfully see forever consigned to a locked cupboard under the stairs.  Most of my encounters have been decidedly lame, however.  Here are some of my most cringe-worthy moments.

Noel Edmunds:
For anyone in the UK, Noel is a broadcasting legend.  A number of years ago, my task was to do a live, 60 second, radio commercial with him for a brand of instant coffee.  I get all the glamourous jobs.  It was at a local hot air balloon fiesta, and I had just been offered a ride in a balloon.  I was, frankly, more excited about doing a commercial with Noel.  I was nervous.  I kept saying "Ok".  I was saying it way too much.  Noel noticed and picked me up on it (quite rightly).  What was the first word I said as we started the commercial?  You guessed it... "Ok, I'm here with Noel Edmunds..."  He just looked at me as if to say "Did you really just say that?"

Chris Martin from Coldplay:
I love Coldplay.  I've seen them live.  I've got at least seven of their songs on my iPhone.  Imagine my surprise when I see Chris Martin boarding the same plane that I've just got on.  I was right at the front of the Premium Economy section (thanks to my air miles) and Chris walked right past me.  "This is your moment" I thought to myself.  Our eyes met.  I smiled.  He smiled.  "Hello" he said.  "Oh, hi" I said.  He walked into Upper Class and I never saw him again all flight.  Total fail.

Pink:
I love Pink.  I've seen her live.  I've got at least six of her songs on my iPhone.  There I am at a Dave Matthews gig, standing on the balcony, when who should stand next to me to watch the show?  Well, if you've not guessed then you've not read the header for this paragraph.  It was Pink.  I didn't want to strike up conversation during a gig, but half way through she turned to me... yes, SHE TURNED TO ME and said "Hey, honey, can you save my place.  I gotta use the bathroom".  Well, I did exactly that. I saved her place.  She came back and said "Thanks, sweetheart" and then the gig continued.  That was the extent of our conversation.

Susie Dent of Countdown....'s mum:
I love Countdown.  I play along live sometimes.  I use my iPhone to work out the maths round.  A few years back I was asked to sing at a concert in Wiltshire and who else was singing?  Susie Dent's mum.  Susie is famous for being in Dictionary Corner on Channel 4's long running quiz show.  Her mum is famous for having a daughter who sits in Dictionary Corner on Channel 4's long running quiz show.  We had tea and cake after the concert.  It was a simpler time.

So, as you can see, my life is incredibly glamourous and all of these celebrities are now close personal friends of mine.  So which is the only decent star-encrusted encounter about which I have bragging rights?  Well, I've played Twister with, and then gone for a Chinese meal with.... Justin Timberlake.  Not that he ever calls or emails anymore.  Actually, he never did but at least I have that one meal to look back on fondly.

If you ever see me in the pub, I'll probably mention the JT story and not any of the others above if that's ok.  And yes, the Justin story was the one I told to the lady from my bank yesterday.  She promptly offered me a discount on my mortgage.  I like to think the story helped.

Be Careful What You Put In Your Mouth

Some food products have names you should never say out loud for fear of being ridiculed.  Manufacturers sometimes make a deliberate effort to make their products sound rude, crude or downright dirty.  Here are the main ones to avoid saying out loud:

Do be careful what you ask for at the counter.  You're welcome!

Is It Wrong To Hit A Vicar?

The answer is, of course, yes.  You should never hit people, even if they are as obnoxious as one of the vicars I encountered this weekend.

Over the extended weekend I went to three different churches.  I know.  I'm pretty sure that, even if it  doesn't win me a place in heaven, then God will at least credit me with a few extra Tesco Clubcard points, right?

One of the three vicars I encountered was a disgrace to himself, his profession and to the church.  I'm not exactly a fundamentalist - I'm a liberal, open minded sort of bloke.  I do believe the church can be a force for good, whether there's a big man upstairs or not.  So why was I so worked up?

Maybe it's just me being over-sensitive, but when a man stands up at a wedding and makes such a big deal about marriage only being between men and women and how the church is under attack from secular society, I suspect he's trying to deny gay people the right to marry.  I mean, maybe I'm joining up the dots incorrectly, but I suspect not.

Let's compare him to another vicar I met, who told me about a young member of his congregation who had just come out to his parents as gay.  This young man approached the vicar and asked "Am I still allowed to come to church?"  Imagine that - fearing exclusion just because of who you happen to be attracted to.  Thankfully this other vicar embraces a diverse congregation!

Here's the thing - if you don't like the idea of gay marriage, I have amazing news for you.  YOU don't have to get one! Honest - they're not going to round up all the straights like cattle and insist they get a gay marriage.  If you really do hate the idea of men having sex with men or ladies doing the do with ladies, then why wouldn't you be in favour of gay marriage?  After all, look at what marriage does to the sex lives of straight people.  Besides, being against gay marriage is a bit like me being against people eating tomatoes.  I hate raw tomatoes and refuse to eat them.  I just don't like them.  If other people want to do it, much as it's not to my taste, why would I go all-out to ban it?

So did I want to hit the first vicar?  Very much indeed.  Will he be the first to complain that Christians are being marginalised by secular society without any hint of irony?  Absolutely.  Will I ever set foot in his church again?  There's more chance of me using my Tesco Clubcard points to buy cherry tomatoes.

Eastbourne Revealed As A Joke That Went Wrong

Government scientists have finally confirmed what many have suspected for years, the South Coast town of Eastbourne is, in fact, an elaborate joke.

Doubt was cast over Eastbourne's legitimacy as a town when in February an angler discovered that the Pier was in fact made of Lego.  "One of the bricks just plain broke off and floated past the Wish Tower Slope" said the bemused man with too much time on his hands.

Eastbourne has long had a reputation for being populated by old people but last night it was discovered these pensioners are shipped in from nearby towns in order to make the place look older than it actually is.  This came to light after one of the coach drivers who brings the elderly to the town broke the code of silence.

"The Government in the 1970s designed Eastbourne as a huge practical joke.  It was meant to be an April Fool for the people of Brighton, but when the town was revealed, everyone presumed it had just always been there.  At this point, the Government realised this expensive prank had gone horribly wrong, and they had to just go with it" he said.

Several of the town's key attractions are actually televisions sets from the 1960s that were no longer required by TV production companies.  The historic St Mary's Church in the Old Town, originally thought to be a 12th Century building is just a left-over bit of set from an old Monty Python sketch.

It has yet to be established how much money has been wasted on this decades old practical joke, but judging by the state of the town centre, it may amount to as much as £44.22.

The future of Eastbourne has yet to be finalised after these revelations but it is believed some of the elderly who visit it regularly might decide to stay there for a while, thus making the town a viable geriatric resort.

*the author of this article was born and brought up in Eastbourne

It's The British Way

When I welcomed an American guest to Nottingham last month, he was amazed at our good weather. He was not the only one. Young British men were taking their shirts off in order to get the first signs of skin cancer before their 20th birthdays and young British women were wearing skirts that were so short that VPL became a physical impossibility - we could see the waistband poking from the underside of the skirt.

We're a curious country. Near riots when there's a pasty tax, vomit on our pavements most days of the week and an unhealthy obsession with reality television. It's not all good, though.

We have an uncanny way of making sure any "expert" is disproved as soon as they make a pronouncement. As soon as were we told we were going to suffer drought conditions this Summer, the heavens opened. This has nothing to do with atmospheric pressure - it's an articulation of the will of the British collective consciousness. "No, it's not going to be dry because an expert tells us so" we are clearly saying. I know this to be true because I just thought of it (another typically British trait which I like to display).

All this rain means two things: Young British men will be taking their tops off in the hope that it'll save them money on showering at home, and young British women will wear shorter skirts so that they have less fabric to wring-out in the ladies loos when they get to the local nightclub.

Why Would You Sing That?

You know how it is being a pop star these days.  You're so busy dealing with contracts, managers, fans, image consultant and countless interviews, you simply don't have enough time to look at the lyrics you're singing to make sure they make sense.  I don't wish to suck the life out of some of the songs that you and I love (and I do love me my pop music), but some things do need urgently addressing.

Adele:  I love you - you're great.  However, you cannot set fire to rain.  It's a water-based substance which fire is unable to ignite.  The rain would more likely put out the fire, unless it was a petrol based fire, in which case you should probably leave the building by the nearest exit.

Nicki Minaj:  I have called Argos this morning and they do not stock a "hoopty hoopty hoop" in any size. This may seem a pedantic point.  You would be right to think that.  I still stand by my comment because I can't help thinking that such a great song would be enhanced by a more superior lyric.

Carly Rae Jepson:  I've left you until last because you've made me the most upset.  Why?  Because you've produced what may be the finest pop song of the year and included two glaring errors.  Firstly, the lyric "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad".  I don't know how time works for you in the Americas, but here in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, it is impossible to "miss" something you have yet to encounter.  It defies all reasonable science and logic.  Why would you sing this?  I know you're probably busy and that, but come on.

The other thing I notice about this song when it comes on my iPod... sorry, my friend's iPod, is that the title is "Call Me Maybe".  Now, I'm going to take a guess that your name is Carly as it says so on the iPod description, so I suspect you've missed out a comma.  Call me, maybe = give me a call sometime.  Call Me Maybe = I would like you to address me using "maybe" as my given name.

That's where I have to leave it today as I'm helping stack the books in Dictionary Corner on Countdown later.