Saturday, 12 March 2016

Devil Continues To Troll God On Twitter Despite Ban

The Lord of All Evil (the Devil) continues to defy a Twitter ban in order to send abusive messages to God according to God's latest Twitter rant.

The Lord Almighty had been tweeting about eternal life and a new meme about puppies when he broke into a rant about how he "shouldn't have to put up with this shit". He went on to say that he could "break the Internet whenever I like. It's only because I'm a loving God that I don't" and that "haters gonna hate".

Twitter were quick to point out that abusive Tweets can be reported and users can be blocked. Nonetheless it seems that The Devil is using multiple accounts and IP addresses to circumnavigate this.

After tweeting that he "came online to save you from your sins, not put up with name calling and abuse" God condemned Twitter as "full of darkness and bitterness" and appeared to suggest he was going to quit the social media channel for good. 

Although the Lord God Almighty has, as yet, not deleted his Twitter account, he hasn't Tweeted for two days. His Snapchat account appears to still be active, however.

In other news:

Local staging of The Can-can using canned goods from Cannes deemed a success

Trouble brews as beverage company uses Coldplay song as tea bag

Local pun champion shot by angry protestors

Weather: Wet side-eye to begin with; gradually giving way to oncoming traffic.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

New Movie About World Book Day Removes Need For Books

A new Hollywood movie about World Book Day will remove the need for anyone to read a book again.

World Book Day: The Movie is a two hour blockbuster that features some of the world's most famous books being read by some of the world's most pretentious actors.

"Never before has the publishing world be so simultaneously celebrated and decimated" said Jonathan Sideparting from PR firm Ivory Trade. "The film makers have carefully worked out what book readers love so much about reading a book: comfort, superiority and a smug head-voice. They have then created this experience in this groundbreaking piece of cinema art".

Publishers from across the world have joined together to picket cinemas screenings of the controversial film. "What people don't realise is how dangerous this film is" said Sally Upton-Overton from Contrast Books. "It's not just that publishers could lose their jobs, although that's important, it's the fact that the upper middle classes will lose yet another bragging right over the lower middle classes. Soon there won't be any delineation between the middle class at all and I for one don't want to be lumped in with the sort of people who won't even make the effort to get their children into a Church of England school".

World Book Day: The Movie will be out in movie theatres on World Book Day in both 2D and 3D.

In other news:

"Meddling kids" commit more crimes than they solve according to new survey

Smiling now the main cause of workplace smugness

Man who set up the original "Dad's taxi" firm files for bankruptcy

Weather: Serious sassy trolling until the weekend with varying chunks of overacting


Monday, 29 February 2016

Donald Trump Wins Oscar For "Horrifying Portrayal" Of Election Candidate

Donald Trump has won his first Academy Award, claiming best actor for his performance as an intolerant, ultra-right wing candidate in the political epic "Election 2016".

The 69 year-old had previously been nominated five times for his role in The Apprentice but
Donald Trump - photo credit: Gage Skidmore
the Academy ultimately felt he wasn’t a convincing businessman.

Trump played “Donald Trump, Republican Nominee” in the film “Election 2016” and is known for catchphrases such as “I have a great relationship with the Mexican people” and also “Mexico are sending people that have lots of problems, and they are bringing those problems to us. They are bringing drugs, and bringing crime, and their rapists”

Other awards also went to some other white people.

In other news:

“Does my trunk look big in this?” asks tree and elephant at same time

Tellytubbies criticized by obesity campaigners

Prosecco sales fall as middle class find another shiny thing to obsess about

Weather: Handsomely fresh with fresh prince by afternoon. In summary – super duper.

Friday, 26 February 2016

"I Can Do Deal For Oxygen In Space" - Michael Howard

Former Conservative leader Michael Howard is backing an exit from an "outdated, flawed and failing space ship".

The former minister is taking place in “Conservatives In Space” a new Channel 4 reality show where 20 prominent members of the Tory Party are sent to orbit the earth in a giant space station.

Mr Howard went into the “diary room” and said that he wanted to go out into space on his own arguing that he had the ability to negotiate deals on oxygen and space suits with the universe.

But Chancellor George Osborne has said if everyone in the space ship voted to leave it would cause mass deaths due to lack of oxygen and atmosphere.

The vote on whether to stay in or out of the space ship will be held later this year. If more than half of the Conservatives vote to leave, all of them will be jettisoned to certain death, as the space ship breaks apart.


The Liberal Democrats, who were due to be in the space ship until last year’s pre-launch election, expressed relief that they weren’t about to be sent into oblivion. "We've done that already. We really don't want to do it twice" said a spokesperson.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Five TV Shows They Should Update in Some Way


The X-Files is about to make a return, but there are plenty other shows that deserve another chance too.

Beverley Hills 90210 - The retirement years.
Let's follow the class that eventually got so old that they ended up getting plastic surgery and moving to an old people's residential complex. All the drama - none of the facial expressions.

Facebook Friends
The cast of Friends have now moved to different neighbourhoods so they sit in six different coffee shops and have a group conversation on Facebook Messenger to discuss how no one told them life was going to be this way in their late 40s.

Paddington Takes The City
Paddington Bear, the cute young bear who was adopted after being left at Paddington Station, London, has now grown up. As a fully grown bear he feeds out of waste bins and terrorises huge sections of the population. There's a fully grown bear on the loose guys. Drama!

Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Donatello is worried that his pension plan won't pay out enough and he accidentally put the crucial bit of paperwork connected with it into the shredder. Michelangelo is morbidly obese due to excess pizza consumption.

He-Man's Gay Cruise
He-Man no longer needs to protect the secrets of Castle Greyskull since he uploaded them into the cloud so he's gone on a gay cruise. Now He-Man can walk on deck with his super-short shorts and hook up with guys that look absolutely nothing like Skeletor.

Saturday, 2 January 2016

Five Book Reading Positions To Drive Your Librarian Wild

New Year, new book. If you want to stand out from the crowd amongst the musty hardbacks, here are five book reading positions guaranteed to get you a page turn!

Missionary:

Reading the bible is especially rewarding when reading it to others in a developing country.

Doggie:

Reading is a pleasure in and of itself but when one has a canine companion nestled in one's lap, it feels like your companion is right there in the heart of the action, even if you're reading the latest catalogue from the Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

Scissor Sisters:

Old books can make a splendid excuse for a craft project. Get those scissors and see what you can make of that old paperback copy of Mein Kampf.

Spooning:

Reading, contrary to popular belief, burns calories so grab the ice cream (or FroYo if you've got a beard and thick rimmed specs) and dip in your spoon. You get intellectual stimulation AND oral stimulation. There are literally no other types of stimulation I can think of.

Reverse Cowboy:

Get on a horse backwards and read that book. Read it real good. Read it until you're saddle sore and in need of a lie-down and a stiff gin.

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Predictions for 2016


2015 was a year where, at very least, some things happened. Now that it's nearly over, we naturally turn to the year ahead. What will happen in 2016? Who knows, but my record at predicting events is utterly untested so I've kept it simple and predictable. I feel these are events that are sure to happen so brace yourself for a year that is almost certain to contain the following:

Privatisation of the Royal Family

With 2015 giving rise to the first majority Conservative Government in the UK since 1997, and with so little left for them to privatise, the Royals seem the most natural public commodity to sell off. Whilst regulation will have to be provided (by OfMonarch), it will mean the public will be able to own shares in the undoubted profits of the UK's first family. It is also the ideal opportunity for inward investment from the Americans and Chinese. The Royals being part-owned by President Trump would provide previously unheard-of benefits for trans-Atlantic relations.  


Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris launch their own range of his and hers value meats

Love is a many splendoured thing. Tay Tay and Calvin have provided us with a fairytale romance in 2015. Nothing says "celebrity relationship" like a merchandising deal and with thrift shopping being the new Waitrose, value meats are where it's at. I predict branded prawn rings and beef burgers by spring. 


Hollyoaks will tackle the difficult and controversial subject of inaccurate fabric swatches

Tony orders a new sofa based on a simple burgundy striped fabric swatch. Despite John-Paul's insistence that swatches can be unreliable, Tony spends £840 plus delivery on a sofa that looks like it belongs on the set of a municipal theatre's pantomime. There will be a helpline number at the end of the episode to help people order their own sofas. Possible DFS sponsorship opportunity. 


Al Gore finally becomes US president 

With no credible candidates from either the Democratic or Republican parties, the American public decides to go for the only president elected in the last 100 years but not given the opportunity to take office. Al will prove to be an exceptionally effective President when it comes to policy but no one will notice because, hey, it's Al Gore. 


Prosecco finally declared by United Nations as an item "essential to life"

The basic right to Prosecco will be enshrined into international law by the UN at a special session of the General Assembly when it comes to light that many in the world aren't middle class enough to even know what it is. This will end international conflict because people will finally be fabulous enough not to be drawn towards armed struggle.