Friday, 3 October 2014

£3 pill stops you wanting to be a racist after two glasses of pinot grigio

600,000 people in the UK who consume more than two glasses of wine on a night out are to be offered the first drug ever to be licensed to help reduce casual racism.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (Nice) recommended the use of a tablet called paraharmonisator after trials showed it cut phrases like "Some of my best friends are black" by 71%.

Experts claim the drug, which costs £3 a pill, could save as many as 2,000 resignations from company boards and reduce "general idiocy" in society as a whole.

Helen Adill, 46, said she was keen to take the drug: "I grew up in the 1970s when there was a lot of casual racism in sitcoms.  I recognise it's wrong and only last week a new caribbean restaurant opened here in Nutsford and I happily took a flyer for it.  I also know that when I've had a drink, the 1970s haunt me;  I turn into my mother and I say things that should probably be kept in the past or in a UKIP party election broadcast".

The pill, which will be available in most pharmacies from next week, will ironically only be available in white.

In other news:

Harvard professor admits "most of my lectures are dick jokes and bits lifted from TED talks"

Jeremy Clarkson's hair revealed to be weaved from mix of candy floss and contempt

Gig promoter accidentally comps whole audience into Katy Perry gig


Weather: Off hand cloudy spells with middle class rain coming down in bottles by the end of the road

Monday, 29 September 2014

Shaun The Sheep defects from CBBC to UKIP

Popular Children's TV character Shaun The Sheep has joined the UK Independence Party stating that he could no longer remain with "EU Friendly" Children's BBC.

Speaking this morning at the start of what is a busy week of children's entertainment for CBBC, Shaun said his move was difficult but necessary.  "There are sheep from all over Europe coming into the UK in lorries and trucks without so much as a pet passport.  It has to stop."

Shaun also cited the European Wool Mountain and "quotas on knitwear sales from Brussels" as reasons he could no longer work for the BBC which he said was "a Euro-friendly statist organisation that is indoctrinating the next generation into dreadful ideas such as sharing, freedom and environmentalism".

The BBC was unavailable for comment but UKIP stated that it hopes Shaun would stand as a candidate in one of its target Kent constituencies to help boost the youth vote at the 2015 General Election.

In other news:

The term "Lad" to be reclaimed by ordinary young men rather than owned by idiots

Term time to be "significantly shorter than is realistic" at the world's first school for gifted creationists

Trouble brews at the main party political conferences this season instead of coffee

Weather:  No whip, double shot and hot with a chance of sprinkles.  In summary: Grande.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Apple Mac bug available in three different colours and two sizes

Apple's OS X operating system has a security flaw which users can now get in three different colours.  Hackers are available to access users' software through a bug which is available as an add-on for just £299.

The bug, available in yellow, burgundy and brushed steel, can be 4mm by 3mm or 2mm by 1.5mm.

Many people are suggesting the smaller version of the bug is almost undetectable and will make it harder for hackers to get into rich, Apple-buying hipsters' computers - a claim rejected by Apple.

This hasn't stopped Apple fans lining up around the block at Apple Stores around the world to attempt to get their hands on this bug.

Steven O'Connor from Southampton, England was one of seventy people standing in line at his local Apple Store: "If I'm going to get a bug, I want it to be an iBug.  I only want to be hacked by Apple Approved hackers, otherwise the hack is whack".

Some hackers, however, don't want to be part of Apple's iBug scheme:  One hacker, who wanted to remain anonymous said: "I went to the iBug developers' day and it was disappointing.  I expected better access to the computers of strangers but instead, Apple regulate how many computers you can illicitly access.  They really control the market here."

In other news:

New agency set up to provide politicians with 'ordinary people 'to mention in speeches

"Gay abandon night" at the National Cautiousness Conference fails to meet minimum sign-up number

UN admit "We'll appoint anyone as a special ambassador"

Weather: Moderate emotional intensity in the morning, gradually giving way to scenes of a graphic nature by tea time.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

"Pimp my booth" project addresses voting booth fatigue

As turnouts for elections continue to decline, a new project to make voting booths more appealing has been launched.

Francesca Klein of the Center for Voter Turnaround said: "For years, people have dreaded going into a musty voting booth made of wobbly wood, to put a cross in a box.  This project seeks to make that booth appealing, relevant and hope to make people realise that voting booths can be fun".


A selection of sample booths were available to be viewed at the Voter 2014 Expo in Paris this week.  Local election departments at town halls can buy a basic model from just £144 which includes streamers, calming landscape watercolour prints and a rainbow pencil for voting.  Higher end voting booth models have built-in incense dispensers, hand lotion and whale-song music.

Cllr Jonathan Unwin of North East Midlands District Council in England wasn't convinced the strategy would make people want to vote.  "I'm a hideous individual and a terrible local councillor.  I have no reason to believe that a fancy voter booth will motivate people to vote for me.  I would rather they stayed home and left me to it, frankly".

Pimped-up voting booths will debut at the Scottish Independence referendum next week.


In other news:

Bus driver admits "I drive faster into puddles near bus stops deliberately"

Homophobia in sport now relegated to "after 8pm only"

New iPhone to offer 'hipster beard trimmer' attachment as standard


Weather:  As moist as a Mary Berry fruit cake with occasional candid peel.  A chance of soggy bottoms towards the end of the day.


Monday, 8 September 2014

William and Kate expecting new iPhone

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have today announced that they are expecting a new iPhone when it launches later this month.

In a statement before Apple's official launch of the new iPhone tomorrow, William and Kate said: "We are so pleased.  It's what Steve Jobs would have wanted."

When asked if they were trying for an iWatch a spokesperson for the couple said: "One step at a time".

Various random businesses have been tweeting congratulations that will never been seen by the couple.  Jill's Bakehouse of Wigan, UK, tweeted: "OMG. They're going to have another phone. We'll be sending them a frangipane to celebrate. x" whereas Mike's Wheel Rims in Detroit, USA, tweeted "Hey @willsandkate now you're expecting a new phone expect some sleepless nights. I'm gonna be callin ya long distance".

This will be the Duke and Duchess' second phone and will most likely be used as a spare in case the first phone dies in a toilet bowl-related incident.

In other news:

Scotland now feels independent enough for trips into town with its mates

Ariana Grande downloads to come with free shot of vanilla

Survey shows 64% of people happy with controversial 'death by burger' option at Dignitas clinic


Weather: Bringing the beat back in the morning with a slow fade through the afternoon.  Summary: Well sick.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Family of four discovers world actually does revolve around them

Milton Keynes, England:

Oliver and Penny Harris had their suspicions confirmed today when it was officially revealed that the world did in fact revolve around their family.

Scientists in Switzerland, who had originally been looking for a cure for acid reflux, discovered that the earth was rotating around the Milton Keynes family, possibly because their precise, well scheduled activities for their children were so awesome.

Mrs Harris was jubilant, saying:  "Ever since Imogen got a gold star in jiu jitsu, I was certain that we shouldn't be amending our lifestyles to cater for anyone else.  Our children are our world and our world is clearly supporting the rest of the solar system.  Now little Matthew is walking at only 9 months old, I think it's perfectly reasonable for everyone else to base their lives around ours."

Prime Minister David Cameron has already been in touch to make sure his motorcade doesn't drive through Milton Keynes at the same time as Imogen Harris' Rainbow Guides group ends, to avoid the Harris' any traffic delays when they pick her up.  

Single friends and childless couples have now been downgraded to the status of "satellite humans" until such time as they have children that will attend similar interest groups or provide suitable play dates for Imogen and Matthew.

The news hasn't been without controversy.  A group of "Family orbit deniers" have cited several scientific studies that suggest the Milton Keynes family orbit research is flawed and the product of societal hysterial.


In other news:

Deep fried Mars bars vote for independence from Scotland

Man trapped in cupboard fears his eventual escape may trigger rumours about his sexuality

Clothed pictures of Miley Cyrus found uploaded to the cloud

Weather:  Rain, cloud, wind in the mix.  Bringing the beat back by afternoon. 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Ice Bucket Challenge To Raise Cash For Key Workers

The success of the Ice Bucket Challenge has now been adopted by the Government to help raise money for nurses and teachers.

"This is the sort of selfless fundraising that exemplifies the Big Society and it is the ideal way to raise money to pay essential workers in the UK" said the Prime Minister before pouring a bucket of ice water over his head and nominating George Osborne and Katy Perry.

Critics of the Prime Minister were quick to point out that his offer to "pay for one nurse for a day" wasn't an affordable thing for most people on an average wage.  Mr Cameron dismissed this accusation by saying, "Paying for a nurse is just one thing you can do.  You could always pay their training fees or  pay for the building of a new school.  Small gestures but they make a big difference when you add them up."

However not all politicians are fans of the Ice Bucket Challenge.  Home Secretary Theresa May has objected to the lack of decent quality ice to put in gin and the leader of the opposition Ed Milliband has complained that the charisma he froze in ice twenty years ago is in danger of thawing due to the ice shortage.

In other news:

Hungry Hungry Hippos demand a more varied diet than 'just marbles'

Jazz and folk music outlawed in Luton

The 1980s call to say "Actually we don't want your retro references back.  You're welcome to them"

Weather:  Gluten free with a chance of lactose