Monday, 21 July 2014

Man who always hits "reply all" is "a clinical tw*t"

A London man who always hits the 'reply all' button to emails sent to the whole office has been judged by psychologists as a 'clinical tw*t'.

Last Tuesday the man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, replied to an office email about a new photocopier by saying "Great news.  Now I'll have better quality pictures of my butt".  He also recently replied to an email about someone leaving the company by saying "Miss ya.  LOL".

Dianne Poynter who works as a lawyer, and who is unconnected to the man in question said "Sometimes I'm on my break looking at a breaking news story on a website and I get an email alert.  Nine times out of ten it's some tw*t replying to all to say something completely inane.  If you want to have a discussion hold a meeting, otherwise keep your fingers away from the 'reply all' key.  It's like people have no awareness of their own tw*ttery".

Psychologists warn that this behaviour is on the rise.  Warning signs include over-use of emojis, calling people 'hun' and putting inspirational quotes in frames on your desk.

In other news:

Chief Executive of Tesco takes final bow after performing "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor

Self-effacing sudoku champion admits "it's a numbers game"

Trades descriptions chiefs criticise 'Pound Shop' for occupying shop premises worth £230,000


Weather:  Mild for a curry but hot for a dog.  Occasional puns.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Brits still have "no f***in clue how to respond to the weather" says survey

A new survey shows that most Britsh people are unable to mentally cope with the summer weather.

50% of Brits said summer left them feeling "too hot, sticky and tired" whereas the remaining 50% said the rain during the summer months left them feeling "wet, sticky and upset".

Gary Unwin from the British Weather Advisory Service said "After all these years of unpredictable, almost unforecastable weather, Brits still have no f***in clue how to respond or deal with it.  Sometimes the sun comes out and sometimes there is rain.  It's often humid in the summer without sun and then the seasons change and we get more rain.  Really, how hard is it?"

Nonetheless, newspapers have been full of seasonal weather stories for the last few weeks and many members of the public remain disappointed and stressed by the weather conditions.

"I just wanted to play swingball in the garden for an hour but after 20 minutes in the sunshine I had to abandon a tense match with my nephew due to a shower" said a total moron who wished to remain anonymous.

The latest forecast indicates there will be more weather until at least September.

In other news:

NASA abaondons Planet of the Apes mission due to an outbreak of shit throwing

BBC becomes so inward looking it negates the need for a corporate colonoscopy

Sour Cream and Chives becomes the official Pringles flavour of the 2014 UN Security Council 

Weather:  Moody with occasional door slams due to high pressure situations

Saturday, 12 July 2014

15% of people unsure if they "can't believe it's not butter"

In a damning survey for the multi-national bread covering, 15% of people still aren't sure if they can't believe it's not butter.

For years "I can't believe it's not butter" has led the charge in taste deception spreads that taste like butter but aren't actually butter.  Now this survey shows that three in every twenty people (that's nine out of every sixty) really aren't sure where they stand on the issue.

A debate in Parliament in scheduled for Tuesday to attempt to settle the question definitively.  A taste test will be undertaken by all MPs before a vote is held.  The vote needs to be unanimous for "I can't believe it's not butter" to retain its Food Standards "licence to spread with integrity".

Other results from the survey include:

9% of people still believe Harry Potter is Arch-bishop of Canterbury

31% of people want military interventions for school yard disputes

96% of people want "naked barista nights" at Starbucks

In other news:

Travel by giant bird closer that previously thought thanks to genetic experiment

Tea and sympathy may cause cancer

10CC's "Dreadlock holiday" delayed due to air traffic controllers' strike

Weather:  In your face rain.  Emotionally distant drizzle.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Bankers strike due to "insultingly large" pay rise


Thousands of bankers and hedge fund managers have gone out on strike in protest at what they are calling a series of overly generous pay awards.  
"I have no idea how they expect us to spend all this?" said Ryan Jeffries, a investment banker from the City of London.  "I'm awake day and night trying to find new things to buy but there are only so many hours in the day.  I'm now stressed and unable to make the most basic spending decisions such as which vacation is best for my dog or ordering new granite work surfaces for the cupcake room in my weekend home".
More than a fifty bankers were taking part in 24 hours of industrial action bringing significant disruption to the flow of large sums of cash between rich people.
"This action is completely unjustified" said a Government spokesperson.  "This will hit the poorest people first.  It will now be even harder for someone on minimum wage to buy a chain of retails outlets in Dubai or a boat the size of a small planet".
One in eight billionaires are estimated to have been forced to abandon the purchases of islands and instead were left on hold listening to electronic versions of James Blunt songs.  The strike is the first in a series from bankers who are feeling the strain of yet another massively above inflation pay rise.

In other news:
"We have a better way of making up fun things in our spare time" says group of improvisers
Woman trades her friendship bracelet for a more valuable envy ring
Terminally ill dragon asks slayer to help with his assisted suicide

Weather:  A troubling mix of incompetent showers of people

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Delayed train turns up at Royal Variety Performance

The delayed 0844 from Haywards Heath to London Victoria has turned up at the Royal Variety Performance after being missing for seven months.

The train turned up in time to perform a medley of songs from Sondheim musicals before getting two curtain calls and an over-sized bunch of flowers.

The 0844 was so severely delayed that passengers were given vouchers worth 4% off anything in the buffet car until it arrived last night at the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane.

A spokesperson for the train operator said: "We'd like to thank the passengers for being so understanding about this seven month delay.  This is two months longer than our average delay and for that we are truly sorry.  I hope the medley of songs and the press attention it has brought more than makes up for the minor inconvenience".

The train's performance was praised by critics who said it was one of the West End's most dynamic performances since a "slam door" train from Nottingham performed "Close every door to me" from the musical Joseph at a benefit concert in January.

In other news:

British mother wins the Argos 200m baby buggie race 

Janitor accused of being anti-gay after refusing to use janitor's closet

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle accidentally leaves nunchucks on bus

Weather:  Calorie controlled rain.  A high of 5 Weight Watchers' points.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Helpline set up for those affected by Facebook going down

Facebook was unavailable for around 15 minutes at 9am GMT this morning (Thurs) and the repercussions are being felt across the world.

The outage left people concerned and confused: "For a second I thought to myself 'I wonder if cats still exist?'.  I didn't know if it was just my wifi so I immediately took to Twitter to see what was happening.  The hashtag #FacebookFail told me all I needed to know".

The UK Government has set up a helpline for those who feel emotionally distressed after this incident.  A spokesman said:  "We've set up this line but we are getting no calls because it seems people have completely forgotten how to use the phone.  We are now in the process of setting up a Snapchat account so that people can send us a picture of their distressed face.  A trained psychiatrist will view all the pictures and arrange an intervention if they are deemed to be at serious risk of going back to MySpace".

In unrelated news, 9am - 9.15am was the most productive fifteen minutes for UK industry in 8 years.


In other news:

Survey shows people who "don't want to be that guy" often are

Husband of woman who sneezes twice every minute gives up saying "bless you"

Close harmony group disband citing musical similarities 

Weather:  Raving to a hard bass until midday with minimal pint spillage until 3pm

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Now LinkedIn can show you who's getting fired

The social network for professionals, LinkedIn, has added a feature that tells viewers who is most likely to get fired this month.

Although it's still in Beta, the feature predicts who is most likely to get fired based purely on the number of updates they've made to their profile in the last week.  Those who have updated most often are most at risk of 'wanting to concentrate on new projects'.

Adrian Hargreaves, CEO of LinkedIn, said "We designed this feature for the office gossip;  That person who makes it their business to know everyone else's business.  We will flag up these profiles on a new list which will have an icon of a redundancy slip next to it.  I cannot stress enough that we want to do this tastefully so in order to do this, all the profiles will be put in soft focus to make the pictures look more appealing."

LinkedIn, the site that hates being called "Facebook for business" is also launching a new feature that tells you if your boss likes you.  The more likely they are to recommend you on LinkedIn, the more likely they are to hate you and want you to leave according to LinkedIn's extensive hunches on the matter.

In other news:

Timehop app causes man to realise what a jerk he was on Twitter a year ago

Most people in retail "dress for the customer they want to date"

Historic peace agreement reached in Big Brother house

Weather:  Only available in vanilla until the next delivery