Saturday, 21 January 2012

Three Useful Excuses For Ending A Phone Call With An Idiot

It's Wednesday evening, you're about to go to the pub quiz / Pilates class / alcoholics support group and that person calls.  You might not want to admit that this person is actually in your life, but they are and you have no idea how to get rid of them.  You've tried dropping hints about how busy your life is these days, you've tried ignoring every second voicemail and you've even tried texting to say "I've moved to Canada".  He/She does not get the hint.  Here are three useful excuses for getting off the phone with the person whose call you shouldn't have taken in the first place;

1) "Sorry to interrupt your story about bathroom fittings in the 1980s, but it looks like a tree just came down outside my house.  I'd better go investigate."  Hang up.

2)  "Sorry to interrupt your story about which private school to enrol your unborn child in, but I seem to have trapped my hand in a food blender and my chinchilla is perilously close to the 'on' switch".  Hang up.

3)  "Sorry to interrupt your story about the syrups of South America, but every time you call me, my heart sinks.  I really don't find your life interesting, we seem to have nothing in common, you talk at me rather than to me and I would prefer it if we didn't talk anymore". They hang up.

It's not a perfect system, and I'd like to make it clear I accept no liability for any consequences arising from your use of these three very precise techniques.  May your Wednesday evenings be fun and fruitful.  

Thursday, 19 January 2012

New TV Shows For ITV2 This Year

When shows like "The Only Way Is Essex" and "Desperate Scousewives" get commissioned I find it so much easier to believe all those people who claim the Rapture is coming.  Surely we are living in the end times when this classes as entertainment.  I figure, if you can't beat them - join them and so it is with great personal optimism for my bank balance that I announce the TV ideas I'll be pitching to the networks this year.

Perry Perry Chicken
This is a sitcom starring singer Katy Perry.  Katy opens a chicken restaurant (which is nothing like Nando's) and, occasionally, breaks into song just like they do in Glee.  Here's the twist - the restaurant is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.... with hilarious consequences.

Twitter News At 10
This will be a short news programme where every story is written in a maximum of 140 characters, thus boiling down every story to a sensational headline.  No stories behind the stories or explanations - oh no.  This is headlines only.  If it can't be said in 140 characters it will remain unsaid.

Lemon Schubert
A group of ambitious musicians attempt to recreate Franz Schubert's "Mass in G" using only lemons and other citrus fruits as instruments. Also starring Gareth Malone.

Polygamy With Polly
Journalist Polly Toynbee goes on her toughest journalistic assignment yet and gets married to four different men.  Will she get caught by the authorities? Will she be able to juggle the competing interests of four men?  Find out in this hard hitting piece of non-sensationalist journalism.

Goldman Sax
A man painted gold plays songs from the likes of Lady Gaga, Adele and Ke$ha on a saxaphone in Peterborough High Street and gets paid £250,000 a year for so doing.

All these ideas are (c) 2012 Lloydie Productions so no stealing, ok?

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Some Advice For A Man Who Is Struggling

As we all know, political leaders spend a long time trawling the internet for blogs that give them advice.  Some of Churchill's finest speeches were actually adapted from the "Shit my Dad says" blog, so today I'd like to lend a helping hand to a man who isn't doing quite as well as he'd like.

Today YouGov published a poll looking at the approval of the three main party leaders in the UK amongst their own supporters.  Conservative voters gave Cameron a 91% rating, Liberal Democrat voters gave Nick Clegg a 45% rating and Labour voters gave Ed Miliband a -3% rating.  Some would say Ed's score leaves "room for improvement", others would say it's been "difficult" and most would describe it as "like watching someone accidentally bulldozing a house and then pretending they meant to do that all along".

I like to help.  I offered Nick Clegg advice once when he was really unpopular, and one year on he's no longer really unpopular - just unpopular.  I regard that as a significant success.  The thing is, what do you do with Ed Miliband?  Given that he's starting from such a low base, it should be easy to improve things by doing almost anything.

Idea one:  Ed is seen as weak.  A very quick way to counter this would be for him to do something brave.  If I was advising him I'd get him to spot a baby drowning in the River Thames, take off his jacket and dive in to save it.  [TOP TIP:  If you are ever doing this media stunt DO NOT throw a real baby into the water.  Use a life-like replica, otherwise you may have a dead baby on your hands.]

Idea two:  Ed is seen as having no distinctive alternative policies.  An easy win for him would be to make poverty illegal.  If you abolish the poor, the country would automatically become so much richer.  Frankly, why no one hasn't done this before is beyond me.  I guess when you're in that "political bubble" you just can't see the wood for the trees.

Idea three:  Ed is seen as dull.  He should visit former Italian leader Silvio Burlusconi and go to one of his "bunga bunga" parties.  Boom.  Job done.  Instantly he's a stud, a player, a mover and a shaker (although imagining the last two is, perhaps, a little much right after dinner, coffee and a creme de menthe)

There you go Labour strategists.  You can have those free of charge.

You're welcome.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Status updates that I wish I could erase from my mind

Here are a list of Facebook and Twitter updates that make me feel uneasy.  Actually, scrap uneasy.  These make me feel like washing my innards out with carpet cleaner and cleansing my body by dipping it in acid (don't try that at home kids).  I have in no way exaggerated any of these or been guilty of them myself.... that much.

What they say: "I'm so excited about the thing that's happening tonight.  Can't say what it is."
What they're really saying: "Something is happening in my life and I want you to know about it so I'm going to make you post on my wall and ask me rather than me just telling you".

What they say:  "Some people are just SO selfish.  I've really had it with SOME PEOPLE"
What they're really saying:  "Someone has pissed me off and I want to slag them off in a public forum without naming them.  This will mean other people will speculate on who I'm pissed off with and they might guess who it is."

What they say:  "I'm so glad me and Dave/Jean/Pete/Phyllida/Constantine are together.  I love you so much every day snooks.  You complete me.  I need you soooo much and can't wait to see you at the weekend."
What they're really saying:  "I'm so insecure in this relationship that I have to post how I feel in the hope that the person I love will be emotionally blackmailed into loving me back."

What they say:  "I've just unlocked the Crunked badge on Four Square"
What they're really saying: "My life is so interesting that as soon as I arrive anywhere I don't take in the atmosphere - I log in to a program that tells people where I am.  Go on - stalk me."

What they say:  "lol"
What they're really saying:  "I'm sitting here with a straight face"

What they say:  "rofl"
What they're really saying:  "I'm sitting here with a straight face"

What they say: "lmao"
What they're really saying:  "I'm sitting here with a straight face"

What they say:  "Totes amaze"
What they're really saying:  "I have no life"