Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Winning An Award

Awards season means The Oscars, The Grammys, The BAFTAs and The Brits (okay, only British people know what the last one is but we think it's really important and that everyone else is watching, when really the rest of the world is watching an old episode of Murder She Wrote).

We never see what we want at an awards ceremony.  Ever.

At awards ceremonies you see celebrities applauding someone else winning in their category.  Dull.  Painfully dull.  When a celebrity loses you want to see them throw wine over their agent, call the winner in their category an untalented whore and cause a major fracas.  Yes, you read that right, a fracas.  When did you last see a genuine fracas?  Exactly!

The typical awards ceremony has a heartfelt tribute to someone who has contributed a huge amount to "the industry".  It's usually sick making.  What we really want to see is someone being exposed for being an unmitigated disaster of a human being.  Someone so awful that the industry really wants rid of them.  Let's see video of them screwing up.  Let's have other celebrities recording tributes to their ineptitude.  Let's make someone a pariah.  The Daily Mail could sponsor this.

Finally, wouldn't it be excellent to have more physical humour injected into these occasions?  There's no need to over think this.  A simple banana on the staircase on the way to the podium would be perfect.  I want to see people falling over.  It's why I watch "You've Been Framed" and "America's Most Painfully Funny Home Injuries".  

In other news, I'm available as an events organiser for a very reasonable fee.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Doing Valentines Right

"What the world needs now, is love, sweet love" - so went the incidental music in one of the Austin Powers movies.  The world really does need love but so many people in our modern, busy, consumer-based, polluted world are struggling to find love.

I'm a love expert.  I say "expert" because I'm very objective.  I've been single for a very long time now and in that time of failed dates, rejected advances and perpetual self-loathing, I've had time to observe couples from a very neutral position.  So here, for those that are single (or for those who can admit to knowing someone single) are my tips for having a successful Valentines Day.

Tip One:  Playing the odds

Send out loads of cards to a large number of potential partners making it clear who the card is from.  Surely one of these people will accept your advances?  If one does then congratulations - you've won Valentines Day.  If more than one does then be sure to know who is the hottest and pretend the card you sent to the less-hot one was a joke.  If you get no dates out of this method then remember that at this time of year monasteries and convents have special open-days you can attend.

Tip Two:  Blind Dating

Pester a friend to set you up with someone they know.  You're making them do the hard work for you.  Asking someone out is like putting your heart into a bacon slicer - all you end up with is heart slices for breakfast and high cholesterol.  The blind date allows you to have a date for the big day and, because you arranged it through a friend, someone else to blame if it goes wrong.  

Tip Three:  Stalking

Thanks to the internet it's much easier to stalk people.  You have to remain on the right side of the law for this one.  It's perfectly fine, however, to look at online profiles.  That old MySpace page is brilliant for finding out if they had a bad haircut or racist views back in 2004.  The question is "Who do I stalk?".  Is it the hottie from work, the flirt from your line dancing group or the buff pharmacist who always give you your acid reflux medicine?  Well, that's a decision only you can make.

This Valentines Day, be sure you do it right.  Pick one or more of these methods and let me know how you get on.  These are magical tips - take it from me... I'm single.