Thursday, 22 March 2012

Where Did They Go?

Who can forget No Mercy and "Where Do You Go"? - sadly, not enough of us.

But what did become of this trio of butch, manly, serious musicians?  I've been digging around and have found out.

Originally known as "Tickle Tickle Boom", Fred, Bill and Kelvin became "No Mercy" and had a series of one hit back in the 1990s.  Since then Fred has become high up in the banking sector, Bill has become a market trader and Kelvin is the Vice President of Botswana.

So now you know*

Here's a reminder of their previous job.

*The accuracy of this post may not be 100%.  Most of the information was sourced from a brainstorming session with a vicar and a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Magicians Suck

If I have a question in my head I need an answer.  I can't just sit there and accept that "it's just one of those things".  It's why I can't go to magic shows.  If I don't know how they're doing it then it's just not any fun to me.  When I was five I was told off by my parents for shouting out "he's hidden it down his pants" when a magician made a toy animal disappear.  And you know what?  I'd do that again today.

There's something a bit smug about magic.  I accept that there's a lot of skill involved but there's a sense of "I've got one up on you".  Well no, mister magician, not now there's a thing called the internet you haven't.  I'm going to look up your tricks and work out how it's done.  We protest when politicians deceive us, but we will pay a magician money to do the exact same thing.  We are strange creatures.

This weekend I'm going to answer as many of the questions that have been bugging me as possible.  Here are some.

1)  Has anyone who ever clicked "maybe" on a Facebook event actually attended the event?

2)  If Rupert Murdoch backed Obama publicly, how would Fox News report it?

3) Has anyone ever got a job through LinkedIn?

Have a good weekend and may your own questions always be answered.  Unless they are dumb ones.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Hot server. Hot coffee.

I'm taking cover in Starbucks.

A dreadful thing has occurred. I think I have temporarily fallen in love.

The server in Jack Wills was a) really good at his job and b) really hot.

I teach persuasion from time to time and he was a genius at it. I suspect he didn't know quite how effective he was being.

Thinking about it over my "emergency decaf" purchase, it may just be that I really liked his glasses. I'm really into geek chic specs at the moment and they were exactly the sort of eye furniture I'm hoping to purchase next month.

Yep, it was the glasses.

I must NOT under any circumstances go back and buy a £32 t-shirt. Even if he tells me how good I look in it and gives me his number.

Ok, if I get a number out of it I might make a purchase.

Shit. I need another hot beverage before I do something I regret. OH LIFE WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED? I JUST WANTED TO BROWSE!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Sport - A Comprehensive Guide

If, like me, you're not 100% sure who does what in all the different sports, I have compiled a quick guide.

Football:  In America they call this soccer.  They are wrong.  Their version of football involves using your hands in preference to your feet, thus invalidating the entire game.  Actual football is about having a massive amount of passion for something you have either little or no control over. Sometimes the team will win and sometimes it will lose.  It will then be played over again until, if you're a player, you retire at 35 years old, having made a couple of million of pounds.  Sometimes the fans riot.  The players are 50% likely to marry a woman who is orange and has weekly pedicures.

Rugby:  This is all about looking buff in shorts.

Tennis:  This is perfect for playing innuendo bingo.  "New balls please" and, erm, well that's the main one, but even so, it's a good one. If you're the best British player you need to be capable of building up an entire nation's hope every year, only to dash them at the last minute.

Ice Hockey:  Legalized violence

Boxing:  Legalized violence

Outdoor Bowls:  Legalized euthanasia

If you are one of my friends who works as a sports journalist, feel free to pass this around in order to clarify things.

You're welcome.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Doriana's Weekend Diary

A chapter from the new book I'm ghost writing for a friend - "Oh what a lovely weekend" by Doriana Feltman

Dear Weekend Diary,

I have never been more convinced about the transformative power of a good moisturiser.  It's like I'm a teenager again - all spotty and very bad social skills.  Thankfully the outbreak was short lived and I was able to do my usual routine of spa, bar, dinner and dance.

Regrets?  I have a few.

Firstly, don't presume the woman in the Jacuzzi at the leisure centre is dead just because her eyes are shut.  The paramedics get very frustrated when they arrive to an empty pool of water and the phrase "Well she was here a minute ago.  Maybe she's taking a break from the afterlife".

Secondly, when out drinking on the town, never say "awww sad face" when Annabel tells you her dog has kidney stones.  It would seem that actually looking sad is a more appropriate reaction.  Who knew?

Finally, the pick-up line "I'm making a list of adorable things and I'm just giving you a catalogue number" works just fine.  You would be surprised just how well.

Ciao for now

Doriana x