Friday, 27 April 2012

Eastbourne Revealed As A Joke That Went Wrong

Government scientists have finally confirmed what many have suspected for years, the South Coast town of Eastbourne is, in fact, an elaborate joke.

Doubt was cast over Eastbourne's legitimacy as a town when in February an angler discovered that the Pier was in fact made of Lego.  "One of the bricks just plain broke off and floated past the Wish Tower Slope" said the bemused man with too much time on his hands.

Eastbourne has long had a reputation for being populated by old people but last night it was discovered these pensioners are shipped in from nearby towns in order to make the place look older than it actually is.  This came to light after one of the coach drivers who brings the elderly to the town broke the code of silence.

"The Government in the 1970s designed Eastbourne as a huge practical joke.  It was meant to be an April Fool for the people of Brighton, but when the town was revealed, everyone presumed it had just always been there.  At this point, the Government realised this expensive prank had gone horribly wrong, and they had to just go with it" he said.

Several of the town's key attractions are actually televisions sets from the 1960s that were no longer required by TV production companies.  The historic St Mary's Church in the Old Town, originally thought to be a 12th Century building is just a left-over bit of set from an old Monty Python sketch.

It has yet to be established how much money has been wasted on this decades old practical joke, but judging by the state of the town centre, it may amount to as much as £44.22.

The future of Eastbourne has yet to be finalised after these revelations but it is believed some of the elderly who visit it regularly might decide to stay there for a while, thus making the town a viable geriatric resort.

*the author of this article was born and brought up in Eastbourne

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

It's The British Way

When I welcomed an American guest to Nottingham last month, he was amazed at our good weather. He was not the only one. Young British men were taking their shirts off in order to get the first signs of skin cancer before their 20th birthdays and young British women were wearing skirts that were so short that VPL became a physical impossibility - we could see the waistband poking from the underside of the skirt.

We're a curious country. Near riots when there's a pasty tax, vomit on our pavements most days of the week and an unhealthy obsession with reality television. It's not all good, though.

We have an uncanny way of making sure any "expert" is disproved as soon as they make a pronouncement. As soon as were we told we were going to suffer drought conditions this Summer, the heavens opened. This has nothing to do with atmospheric pressure - it's an articulation of the will of the British collective consciousness. "No, it's not going to be dry because an expert tells us so" we are clearly saying. I know this to be true because I just thought of it (another typically British trait which I like to display).

All this rain means two things: Young British men will be taking their tops off in the hope that it'll save them money on showering at home, and young British women will wear shorter skirts so that they have less fabric to wring-out in the ladies loos when they get to the local nightclub.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Why Would You Sing That?

You know how it is being a pop star these days.  You're so busy dealing with contracts, managers, fans, image consultant and countless interviews, you simply don't have enough time to look at the lyrics you're singing to make sure they make sense.  I don't wish to suck the life out of some of the songs that you and I love (and I do love me my pop music), but some things do need urgently addressing.

Adele:  I love you - you're great.  However, you cannot set fire to rain.  It's a water-based substance which fire is unable to ignite.  The rain would more likely put out the fire, unless it was a petrol based fire, in which case you should probably leave the building by the nearest exit.

Nicki Minaj:  I have called Argos this morning and they do not stock a "hoopty hoopty hoop" in any size. This may seem a pedantic point.  You would be right to think that.  I still stand by my comment because I can't help thinking that such a great song would be enhanced by a more superior lyric.

Carly Rae Jepson:  I've left you until last because you've made me the most upset.  Why?  Because you've produced what may be the finest pop song of the year and included two glaring errors.  Firstly, the lyric "Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad".  I don't know how time works for you in the Americas, but here in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, it is impossible to "miss" something you have yet to encounter.  It defies all reasonable science and logic.  Why would you sing this?  I know you're probably busy and that, but come on.

The other thing I notice about this song when it comes on my iPod... sorry, my friend's iPod, is that the title is "Call Me Maybe".  Now, I'm going to take a guess that your name is Carly as it says so on the iPod description, so I suspect you've missed out a comma.  Call me, maybe = give me a call sometime.  Call Me Maybe = I would like you to address me using "maybe" as my given name.

That's where I have to leave it today as I'm helping stack the books in Dictionary Corner on Countdown later.

Monday, 9 April 2012

When is it SO last month?

If you're anything like the thousands of people that read this blog in my imagination, the one thing you're probably asking yourself today is "How do I manage to capture the zeitgeist without leaving it too late and looking really behind the times?"  To which I would say, "No one says 'behind the times' anymore.  Duh".

In these days of social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Lloydieblog, it's vital that we all know when to post things, and when to stop posting them.  As always, I love to be of help and have put together this handy guide.  I know, right?  You're welcome.

Is it a posting about a TV show?  Only post if the TV show is in its first season.  Second seasons are the new third seasons.

Is it a posting with a picture of your new cat or dog?  Only post it if it's doing a trick.  Pet pictures on their own no longer make the grade due to the growth in homeless people using cute pets to get you to give them money.

Is it a posting with a funny poster about a topical issue?  Posters are very 2011.  You need to post a witty cartoon if it's going to cut through.

Is it about how you're going to marry Justin Bieber?  Only post once the ink is dry on the marriage certificate.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Something Britain Does Really Well

The last seven days have been some of the most farcical in British politics.  We've had people panic buying petrol, even though any potential tanker driver strike is at least two weeks away.  We've had people buying hot pies by the dozen because of the hot-pie / pasty tax.  George Galloway, famous for pretending to be a cat on Big Brother, has got elected to Parliament.  These are things that would have been hard to make up - and yet they are real.  They are happening.

However, there is one thing that will never happen in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.  There is one thing that unites the English, Welsh, Scottish and Northern Irish people.  There is something that, no matter how ridiculous life gets, how crazy our politicians are, how changeable our weather is, it will always be embedded in the very fibre of our beings.  That thing, my friends, is the British ability to complain about absolutely anything.

Whether you work in retail, the public sector or the entertainment industry, you know that what us Brits do best is complain like a small child who has just been denied a second showing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because "It's too violent" (I'm still not over that).

Something our once-great empire was built on, was the inability to be in any way satisfied with anything. We love to complain, especially if it's with a feeling of extreme bitterness behind someone's back.  We love to bitch-off about things without really doing anything about them.  If a meal isn't very good we rarely complain to the restaurant because that would ruin our two hour bitch-fest over drinks later in the evening.  Resolution and closure stop us from having a good time.  I'm being at least 54% honest when I say that I get a bit disappointed when I get really good service in a restaurant which serves amazing food at a reasonable price.  It leaves me with absolutely nothing to talk about, other than how "tonight must have been some sort of fluke".

Remember - no matter how many countries over take us in terms of GDP (oh, hi Brazil, didn't see you sneak past there) no one will ever beat our ability to whine like a small child that has been denied the opportunity to watch the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with his friends because it's too violent (yep, still bitter).