Friday, 31 January 2014
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Monday, 13 January 2014
Having helped The Voice pull in an extra 2 million viewers at the weekend, The BBC has announced Kylie Minogue will now front the BBC’s 10 O’Clock news show every Friday night, in a bid to encourage interest in politics, current affairs and social issues.
Kylie (ageless) is believed to have signed a two year deal which will see her read the main stories every Friday, sing a jaunty song about the weekend’s weather and, of course, do the locomotion.
The BBC’s head of populism, Ray Tings, said: “I’m delighted to welcome Kylie to our Friday line-up. People often forget the news on a Friday night so we have a responsibility as a public service broadcaster to make people to consume current affairs. Kylie is a proven ratings winner time after time so it made perfect sense to bring her in. We had considered Fiona Bruce but her ability to sing the weather wasn’t as good as Kylie’s so it had to be Kylie. We just can’t get her our of our head…lines”.
The change is believed to be with immediate effect.
In other news:
Greggs staff randomly tested for traces of fruit
POLL: 94% of people would like more of what they like and less of what they dislike in life
Weather: Unprepared with a chance of discombobulated.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Consumerism in the
A new YouPoll survey out today shows that 56% of British people believe they are entitled to the moon on a stick and won’t settle for anything less.
Charles Panacea from YouPoll said the results were startling. “There have always been a large number of people who want a lot from life and in the past they were always ambitious. Things have changed, however. Most young people, in particular, believe that anything less than the moon on a stick is unreasonable. They are unwilling to put up with tax rises, road closures, surveys about haberdashery, neighbours having the very occasional party and tutting. We are seeing the rise of an intolerant population.”
Other irritations people said they weren't prepared to put up with in the survey were humming, whilsting, posting statuses on Facebook about going to the gym, ambidextrous people, trilling of the letter R and the Countdown Conundrum. All of these were seen as "not desireable", "not enough" or "not acceptable" in the survey.
One member of the public, Gavin Hargreaves from Stoke, said “That’s the trouble with most people these days – they want the moon on a stick”, while another who didn’t want to be named said “Find me the moon, put it on a stick, and then I’ll talk to you, but you’re getting no interview until I’ve had a fully sticked moon.”
The survey in full:
Question: Would you prefer:
a) The moon on a stick 56%
b) The moon 31%
c) A stick 10%
d) Whatever’s going 3%
Interviews conducted between 2nd and 5th January by telephone. Sample size 9.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Friday, 3 January 2014
A third of GPs are in favour of making people pay if they read the magazines in their waiting rooms.
A new survey asked GPs whether people should pay £2 to browse the selection of outdated publications, with the money going towards doctors’ golfing trips and second homes.
The poll was carried out online and asked over 500 GPs across England and Wales.
Dr Georgina Prentice, who runs a practice in Cambridge, said: "At my surgery I am frequently confronted with well thumbed copies of Horse and Hound which have clearly been read by people who have an interest in neither. I’m sick and tired of having my periodicals treated in this manner and I’m all for charging a flat fee. It will make people think twice about their used magazine needs and create a culture where people carefully consider whether it's in their best interests to get tactile with a glossy publication."
The survey has caused outrage amongst patients’ groups. James Harrison of PatientsRUs in Hastings was disgusted by the idea that patients should pay a charge but wasn’t able to come to the phone to articulate this because he was feeling “A little bit peeky today”.
In other news…
Couple on 5:2 diet say they feel hungry for five days and ‘quite full’ for two
Man who actually laughs out loud when he types ‘lol’ found dead from laughter in
Today’s weather: disproportionate
Thursday, 2 January 2014
The BBC drama, which aired in the
Mr Paul Newbury, 31, said he was beyond what we would traditionally call confused: “My ability to reason and think logically has been seriously impaired. I have no idea who came up with this storyline but they have left my life in tatters. There is no way I’m going to be able to file my tax return in time until I’ve unpicked this plot on a frame by frame basis.”
People who enjoy elevated social status by being consistently right about TV shows have only added to Mr Newbury’s problem by posting sneering status updates on social networks like Facebook and Twitter and also on specialist forums like “Holmes Front” and “Watson TV”. One posting from an anonymous user said: “If you don’t understand it then you’re probably not the target audience. Anyone with a real love of Sherlock will get what this is about instantly. I know I did. I didn’t even have to expend any brain power. I managed to watch the show, live tweet commentary (including hashtags) and buy a vintage rug in an eBay auction. Also I have a really hot partner and earn lots of money.”
At this stage it is unknown if the temporary meltdown of a major processor of logical function in Mr Newbury’s brain will be seen as a mitigating factor in the late filing of his tax return.