Friday, 31 January 2014

Homes are too dangerous to live in say experts

Government experts are on the verge of telling us to give up our homes because so many deaths happen there. 

Dr Ova Payd, Chief Government scientist said: "We know more accidents happen in the home than anywhere else. Deaths are also highly likely to happen at when someone is in their own house. This is a worrying trend. 

"My recommendation to the Government is to declare all houses unfit for habitation"

When asked where people should live instead Dr Payd said: "What? I have to solve EVERY problem now? I dunno. People should improvise a bit. Live on the street, on a railway track or on top of a pillar. That'll do. Pillars are inherently safe so maybe a pillar."

In other news:

Cabaret singer accused of sounding "a bit X Factor". 

Troubled family solve problems thanks to magazine agony aunt's one paragraph reply to letter. 

Weather: Teething. 

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Celebrity bitch diet launched

A revolutionary new celebrity diet was launched today in West London. 

Bitch Yourself Thin Effortlessly or BYTE is the brainchild of advisor to the stars Dr Evan Handed. The diet involves a series of insulting comments being uttered by dieters each day in order to build resentment and burn fat. 

Controversially the diet also instructs participants to partake in a daily cat fight with another celeb of similar status. 

"There is no use in an A Lister fighting with a C lister that just isn't credible. Unless it's A on A action the energies won't match." said Dr Handed. 

"This needs to be an all consuming passio.  It's a butch fight to the max so that food is no longer an issue"

The diet, which claims, "You'll be too busy bitchin' to get to the kitchen" has already had two Hollywood A listers sign up plus the entirety of this year's Big Brother cast. 

In other news:
Prime Minister dismisses question time as "just bantz"

Tube announcer discovers voice has more than one frequency. 

Shares in Liquorice fall due to run on Bassets Allsorts. 

Weather: Presumputous

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Are heterosexuals to blame for floods and tornados?

A few years ago the website devpsy.org published some interesting scientific data.  I thought it'd be good to look at that again after a week dominated by a UK politician suggesting that gay people are responsible for all the flooding we've had in this country recently.

He's not the first person to blame the weather on gay people.  A few years back the American evangelical Christian, Pat Robertson, suggested that a tornado was down to gay people being allowed to marry.  He was proved wrong.  Very wrong.

The devpsy.org website says:
"God seems almost neutral on the subject of sexual orientation. I say "almost" because if we look at the density of gay groups relative to the population as a whole, there is a small but statistically significant (p < .05) correlation with the occurrence of tornadoes. And it's a negative correlation (r = -.28). For those of you who haven't used statistics since 1973, that means that a high concentration of gay organizations actually protects against tornadoes. A state with the population of, say, Alabama could avert two tornadoes a year merely by doubling the number of gay organizations in the state." 

So here's a thought.  Maybe it's the heterosexuals who are causing tornados and floods?  Maybe if all these lovers of differntly gendered relationships just backed away from the bedroom and embraced their inner rainbow we would be saved from the destructive power of nature.  Maybe nature is angry because heterosexuality is unnatural.  

Of course there is a small chance, I guess, that who you love has no influence on extreme weather phenomena at all.  Maybe.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Efforts to stem the growing tide of sarcasm

Recent public attitude reports make grim reading.  There are 38 million very or seriously sarcastic people in the United Kingdom and that number is set to grow to 50 million by 2050.  The sarcasm time bomb is in danger of exploding across the country in a fit of snarky self importance.

"Things have got so bad it's hard to tell if people are being genuine anymore" said Prof Sue Watt of Oxford University's Attitude Studies Unit (which sounds a really fun place to spend time).

She continued, "Children are learning this from an early age.  Movies, TV shows, parents and teachers are all to blame.  What we need is a nationally accepted way of dealing with these things.  Some things shouldn't be permitted in public life or by people who work for official institutions.  My advice to people is think before you speak.  Could what you are about to say be dealt with by giving constructive feedback or with mild pantomime violence instead?"

However, not everyone was able to be as thrillingly articulate as Prof Watt.  Gary Spilbrook of Kensington said, "Oh yeah, legislate sarcasm.  That'll totally work" and Andrew Flunk of Sussex said,  "I don't know what the fuss is about.  Young people are SO respectful and dignified these days.  I just think of Miley Cyrus and think 'demure' and 'understated' so what's the big deal".  It is, as yet, not clear if he was being sarcastic.

In other news:

Dominos champion admits taking performance enhancing drug

Large company admits awarding competitive tender to 'imaginary friend'

Children who live in glass houses more likely to suffer from sunstroke.

Weather:  Dessicated indifference 

Monday, 13 January 2014

Kylie to read BBC News

Having helped The Voice pull in an extra 2 million viewers at the weekend, The BBC has announced Kylie Minogue will now front the BBC’s 10 O’Clock news show every Friday night, in a bid to encourage interest in politics, current affairs and social issues.

 

Kylie (ageless) is believed to have signed a two year deal which will see her read the main stories every Friday, sing a jaunty song about the weekend’s weather and, of course, do the locomotion.

 

The BBC’s head of populism, Ray Tings, said: “I’m delighted to welcome Kylie to our Friday line-up.  People often forget the news on a Friday night so we have a responsibility as a public service broadcaster to make people to consume current affairs.  Kylie is a proven ratings winner time after time so it made perfect sense to bring her in.  We had considered Fiona Bruce but her ability to sing the weather wasn’t as good as Kylie’s so it had to be Kylie.  We just can’t get her our of our head…lines”.

 

The change is believed to be with immediate effect.

 

 

In other news:

 

Greggs staff randomly tested for traces of fruit

 

Cher’s ‘Believe’ voted best song to listen to while having an epidural

 

POLL:  94% of people would like more of what they like and less of what they dislike in life

 

Weather:  Unprepared with a chance of discombobulated.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

IKEA launch pencil amnesty

Flat-pack furniture company IKEA have today launched a pencil amnesty in the hope that hundreds of thousands of stolen pencils will come back to their stores.

The move could save the Swedish firm up to £50,000 in pencil production between now and 2017.  Speaking at a press conference at the weekend, IKEA's Head of Stationary and Sundries, Mrs Bea Thrifty, said: "Some people start making notes with our pencils and accidentally end up taking it home. Others don't even buy anything from us.  They just take a pencil, walk past the furniture, take a sniff of our meatballs and leave.

"We want to remove all shame and all blame.  Just come into the store, leave it discretely on a Billy Bookcase and leave again.  We'll do the rest."

The amnesty follows last month's "You robbed us of an extra sugar" campaign launched by Starbucks. So far the coffee giant has received over £10,000 worth of unused sugars from the bottom of handbags and purses.

In other news:

Crime solving squirrel exposed as crack dealer

Rocket scientist and brain surgeon compete for who has hardest job

2013's most popular name for boys was "Housing Bubble"

Weather:

Flagrant. 

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Majority of Britons want moon on a stick

Consumerism in the UK has reached such a level that most people won’t settle for anything less than the ‘moon on a stick’.

 

A new YouPoll survey out today shows that 56% of British people believe they are entitled to the moon on a stick and won’t settle for anything less.

 

Charles Panacea from YouPoll said the results were startling.  “There have always been a large number of people who want a lot from life and in the past they were always ambitious.  Things have changed, however.  Most young people, in particular, believe that anything less than the moon on a stick is unreasonable.  They are unwilling to put up with tax rises, road closures, surveys about haberdashery, neighbours having the very occasional party and tutting.  We are seeing the rise of an intolerant population.”


Other irritations people said they weren't prepared to put up with in the survey were humming, whilsting, posting statuses on Facebook about going to the gym, ambidextrous people, trilling of the letter R and the Countdown Conundrum.  All of these were seen as "not desireable", "not enough" or "not acceptable" in the survey.

 

One member of the public, Gavin Hargreaves from Stoke, said “That’s the trouble with most people these days – they want the moon on a stick”, while another who didn’t want to be named said “Find me the moon, put it on a stick, and then I’ll talk to you, but you’re getting no interview until I’ve had a fully sticked moon.”

 

The survey in full:

Question:  Would you prefer:

a)       The moon on a stick 56%

b)       The moon  31%

c)       A stick  10%

d)       Whatever’s going  3%

 

Interviews conducted between 2nd and 5th January by telephone.  Sample size 9.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

French planted garlic to see if Queen was vampire

France planted garlic at Buckingham Palace to test if the Queen was in fact a vampire, newly-released files show.

The plot happened in 1984 and left the Royal household "shocked, dismayed and suffering from bad breath" when they discovered 144 garlic bulbs inside a Tupperware container during the changing of the guard in September that year.

The event happened just before a scheduled visit of the then French president Francois Mitterand and was, according to the national archives, an exercise in making sure the French Prime Minister's neck wasn't going to be used for "unauthorised blood donations".

The Government of the time warned France it wouldn't tollerate this sort of behaviour, but in a letter from the French Ambassador, the British were told to "prove the Queen isn't a vampire by having her appear in direct sunlight within the next 24 hours".

In other news:

Worried Snapchat users increasingly concerned the app is "a bit rubbish"

BBC considers "just re-showing 1978 Christmas schedule" in December 2014

Sport:  

Some teams likely to lose today.  Some may also win.

Weather:

Dystopian

Friday, 3 January 2014

One third of GPs want charges for reading waiting room mags

A third of GPs are in favour of making people pay if they read the magazines in their waiting rooms.

A new survey asked GPs whether people should pay £2 to browse the selection of outdated publications, with the money going towards doctors’ golfing trips and second homes.

The poll was carried out online  and asked over 500 GPs across England and Wales.

Dr Georgina Prentice, who runs a practice in Cambridge, said: "At my surgery I am frequently confronted with well thumbed copies of Horse and Hound which have clearly been read by people who have an interest in neither.  I’m sick and tired of having my periodicals treated in this manner and I’m all for charging a flat fee.  It will make people think twice about their used magazine needs and create a culture where people carefully consider whether it's in their best interests to get tactile with a glossy publication."

The survey has caused outrage amongst patients’ groups.  James Harrison of PatientsRUs in Hastings was disgusted by the idea that patients should pay a charge but wasn’t able to come to the phone to articulate this because he was feeling “A little bit peeky today”.

 

In other news…

 

Couple on 5:2 diet say they feel hungry for five days and ‘quite full’ for two

 

Man who actually laughs out loud when he types ‘lol’ found dead from laughter in Kent

 

Today’s weather: disproportionate

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Man asks for tax deadline extension to work out "Sherlock"

A Bassetlaw man is asking for HMRC to extend the self assessment tax deadline to February 22nd so that he can work out what the hell happened in the latest episode of Sherlock.

 

The BBC drama, which aired in the UK on January 1st is said to have confused the man so much that his prefrontal cortex is in “temporary meltdown”.

 

Mr Paul Newbury, 31, said he was beyond what we would traditionally call confused: “My ability to reason and think logically has been seriously impaired.  I have no idea who came up with this storyline but they have left my life in tatters.  There is no way I’m going to be able to file my tax return in time until I’ve unpicked this plot on a frame by frame basis.”

 

People who enjoy elevated social status by being consistently right about TV shows have only added to Mr Newbury’s problem by posting sneering status updates on social networks like Facebook and Twitter and also on specialist forums like “Holmes Front” and “Watson TV”.  One posting from an anonymous user said: “If you don’t understand it then you’re probably not the target audience.  Anyone with a real love of Sherlock will get what this is about instantly.  I know I did.  I didn’t even have to expend any brain power.  I managed to watch the show, live tweet commentary (including hashtags) and buy a vintage rug in an eBay auction.  Also I have a really hot partner and earn lots of money.”

 

At this stage it is unknown if the temporary meltdown of a major processor of logical function in Mr Newbury’s brain will be seen as a mitigating factor in the late filing of his tax return.