Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Nigel Farage rules out standing on number 42 bus

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has today ended speculation that he is going to stand on the number 42 bus to London Bridge.

News broke yesterday that the number 42 bus is crowded due to the tube strike in London.  This immediately led to speculation that the UKIP leader might stand in order to make a routine journey.  The organisation Political Journey monitors political transportation and its spokesperson, Daniel Newstead, said the speculation has made it hard for Farage to make a strategic transport choice.

"He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.  If he manages to get a seat by getting in line early, people will immediately accuse him of opportunism.  If he stands but gets off the bus before the destination, he will be seen as flakey.  If he presses the 'stop' button too soon, he will be seen as a poor judge of distance." said Newstead.

In a statement to the media, Farage said: "I don't know the bus journey well enough to stand.  Someone else from my party, with knowledge of buses and the London Bridge area, will take this journey instead.  I will focus on the bigger picture things such as purchasing an Oyster Card."

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, was also asked if he would be standing, is believed to be making the journey on a bike.

In other news:

Man's political Facebook posts cause one of his friends to 'totally re-evalute his political philosophy'

Deception scandal: Person 'asking for a friend' was in fact asking for themselves

Woman diagnosed as having severe magnetism to weirdos

Weather:  Fine, thanks for asking.  Why, do I look like I'm not fine?

Monday, 28 April 2014

Missing apostrophe found safe and well

An apostrophe which has been missing since Friday has been found safe and well after an extensive search by the grammar police and other emergency language services.

The alarm was raised at the end of last week when the apostrophe, which lives at Bill's Tile Emporium in Hinkley, went missing.  Bill Ingham, who owns the emporium, says he thinks it was abducted.

"At first I was confused.  I immediately assumed there was more than one Bill in charge of the emporium and that there had been some sort of overnight take-over.  All the grammatical indications pointed in that direction.  After checking the ownership documents I confirmed I was still the sole owner so I alerted the grammar police at the earliest opportunity."

Head of the East Midlands and South Yorkshire Grammar Police, Katie Tinder, said: "This was a very difficult case.  We couldn't fathom a motive for the sudden disappearance of this apostrophe.  There were very few leads we could follow.  We had to go back to old fashioned grammar policing and examine the whole case line by line.  We brought in an expert team of proof readers who went shop to shop looking at their signs."

The apostrophe was found safe, well and adding unnecessary possession to Wicked Wheel's Warehouse, which has narrowly avoided the contents of the stockroom mounting a management takeover.

In other news:

The scientific formula for finding will to live discovered in lab

Man deletes YouTube comment after realising he's 'that guy'

British man invents car that can run on left over cups of tea

Weather:  Worth Snapchatting to someone you dislike I guess

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Google streetview - now see if you took out the recycling

Google is offering desktop Street View users the chance to trace their steps back to see if they have done such things as left their house keys in the door or if they've forgotten to take out the recycling.

The web giant now lets you relive earlier moments in your life and navigate back home after a journey.

Google's Head of Thinking About Stuff said:  "Until now, the only ways to retrace your steps have been things like memory, or leaving a trail of string behind you.  Now you will be able to see where you have been and see if you left your other car on the drive or if you left the lights on at your apartment."

Not everyone is convinced that this is a good thing.  Adam Burrell from Go Away Google thinks it's an invasion of privacy.  "One minute you're having a party, the next minute a Google image of a television coming out of your window is being used by the local authorities to bring a prosecution.  We are living in a CCTV society and Google know more about us than we do about ourselves.  Plus, I lead a really dodgy life.  I don't need reminding of that."
In 2015 Google is set to launch its 'Did I leave the iron on?' facility.  This will allow you to check if you left your iron on by pressing a button that sends a Google employee to your home.  They already have the key.
In other news:
Woman mistaken for prostitute genuinely just waiting for friend to collect her from yoga
Man breaks record for number of selfies taken during funeral
Insurance company pays out after a taste test where a man believes it isn't butter 
Weather:  Hubris with scattered ego by dusk

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Tony Blair to become a wifi hotspot

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is to become a wifi hotspot in the Middle East.

"This isn't a time for soundbites, but I hope that I can become a beacon of hope."  he said at a press conference earlier today.

While some countries in the region have excellent wifi availability, Iraq in particular has suffered from poor wifi coverage due to war and death.  Blair said being a wifi hotspot was "the least I can do in the circumstances".

Mr Blair won't be the first UK politician to embrace the world's digital future.  Lord Ashdown has demonstrated how he can kill an enemy phone signal with his bare hands and former PM John Major is regularly seen at his local nightclub 'doing the robot'.

Many in Iraq dispute Tony Blair's motives and they have dubbed him 'an enemy weapon of mass communication' - an accusation Mr Blair himself disputed at the press conference by saying  "This isn't a time for soundbites.  This is a time for megabytes."

Mr Blair goes live as a hotspot at midday and upon connection your first five minutes are free.

In other news:

Sniffer dog fired for getting high on cocaine stash

Boy on poster becomes poster boy for boys on posters

Stitch in time saves nine from collapsing building

Weather:  It's going down.  It's yelling 'timber'.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Angels issued new guidance on stone rolling

In a health and safety shake-up that is proving controversial in the after-life, angels are now only allowed to roll stones away from graves after reading an eight page pamphlet and completing a full risk-assessment.

Heaven's Safety and Welfare Officer, Angel Greg Waters said this was a precautionary measure to ensure angels didn't strain their shoulders, backs or wings.  "Wing injuries are more common now than ever before and there simply aren't enough angels to roll stones away from graves should the situation arise, such as it did at Easter."

The new pamphlet "So you're rolling a heavy stone for religious reasons?" has been condemned by 'Anglus' -  the biggest UK contractor of angels - as "health and safety gone mad.  It's not like we have many stone rollings.  The last one was 2000 years ago."

This comes after last week's controversial ruling that crucifixions were no longer allowed on Good Friday as it is 'a public holiday'.  The backlog in crucifixions has become a political hot potato with no major political parties yet able to say how they would deal with the deficit in state-sponsored execution.

In other news:

Restaurant asks diner 'are you enjoying your meal?' while she doesn't have a mouthful of food

'Combat shyness' workshop doesn't go ahead after only workshop leader turns up

Apple launch new iPersonality for the people who cheer at its product launches

Weather:  Dark and brooding with a sensual charm

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Man survives after flying economy on a domestic flight

A twenty eight year old man has survived a flight from San Francisco to New York in the economy class section of a major US airline without major trauma.

The unnamed man was not damaged mentally or physically during the four hour flight despite a meal that needed carbon dating to reveal what it was, and having to seat through the inflight movie 'Olympus Has Fallen'.

"The man's lucky not to be seeing a shrink" said FBI spokesman Simon Hampshire in New York.  

The man emerged from economy when Flight 33 touched down on Sunday morning at La Guardia airport.  He started wandering towards the baggage carousel and was seen to be in reasonable health with few signs that he had been forced to watch what was, at best, an average movie.

Many believe he was unconscious for most of the journey and, as a result, missed out on the food service, dirty tray table and 'hot drink that doesn't resemble tea or coffee'.

Others who have made their way into domestic economy in the US have suffered discomfort, bloating, people invading their personal space and a need to re-evaluate their travel priorities.

In other news:

"We will make it illegal to laugh at Ed Balls' name" says new Labour manifesto

Starbucks moves its headquarters outside of wardrobe to avoid Aslan

Pay rises beat inflation in charity football match

Weather:  Sassy with co-ordinated finger snaps

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

School bully head-hunted by payday loan company

Payday loan company Kwik Readies has recruited a school bully as it's Head of International Operations.  Dean Pincher (15) of Chesterfield has been taking lunch money from students at his local school for the past seven years.  "I'm delighted to be heading up this operation and bringing what I've learned out in the field into the boardroom".

Kwik Readies chairman, Tammy Ponn (47) welcomed Pincher to the organisation.  "His track record speaks for itself.  We look forward to him engaging internationally with the same people skills that he has used to make considerable sums.  He really is the new face for our company."

Kwik Readies was recently criticised for its high interest rates and for using people's legs as collateral.  Their phrase "Easy loans, repaid quickly or you haven't a leg to stand on" has won two advertising awards and condemnation from anti-violence campaigners.

Pincher will start "just as soon as my mock GCSEs are over.  I'm expected to do well at mathematics because a boy is year 11 has been doing most of my coursework.  I will be contracting out some of my Kwik Readies work to him too".

In other news:

Man who took picture of himself every day for three years suddenly realises he left the lens cap on

47 year old man defaults on his own age - banks tell him he is now 54

Woman with addictive personality in hospital after getting addicted to her own personality

Weather:  Not accessible by public transport until Friday

Monday, 14 April 2014

67% of couples haven't discussed catch-up TV preferences

In a new survey an astonishing 67% of people admit they haven't talked with their partner about what catch-up TV they like to record.

In a poll that gets to the very heart of the relationship health of the nation, most people admit they are scared to admit to their partner that they have created a series-link for cooking programmes, reality TV and Portuguese talent shows.

Dr Sue Dough-Science, author of the report, says it's no surprise: "You can tell a lot about a person from their viewing habits so it's understandable that, in this superficial age, people would want to hide less desirable shows from their partner."

Julian and Sarah Fidelity filed for divorce recently after Julian found that Sarah had been recording episodes of the Bravo show "The World's Most F***able Men".  Mr Fidelity said:  "I had no idea.  This came as a total shock - especially considering our last name.  I should have realised that nominative determination doesn't get cured through marriage".  Sarah's maiden name was Sarah Adulterer.

Dr Dough-Science says couples need to be more up-front with each other.  "Just say to your partner, 'Hey, I'm a casual consumer of British Sci-Fi shows, and I want you to know that before we take things further'.  These days there are specialist dating sites which deal with particularly hardcore TV fetishes such as Homes Under the Hammer or Bargain Hunt."

In other news:

Modest peacock accused of 'humaning'

World Wildlife Fund trying to preserve endangered species of humans who know the difference between 'less' and 'fewer'

'Live like Jay-Z' kit includes air freshener that smells of Beyonce farts

Weather:  Available in all good open spaces 

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Man paints email password on front of house

American security experts are warning people not to paint their online passwords to the outside of their home after a man in Huntsville, Alabama wrote "Babydoll88" in emulsion on the front of his two story home.

Terry Fied (26) said he was scared he would forget his passwords unless he was able to see them clearly.  "I have so many things to remember in my life and I really didn't want to have to keep my email password in my brain" he said before admitting "I seem to be getting a lot of hate mail from people I have definitely not written to.  That's confusing me."

Security expert Andy Geekanowich said "We are seeing these sort of lax security issues more and more.  Mr Fied needs to either remember his password or have it written somewhere secure where only he can find it.  Ideally, it should be something that only he can remember, like a letter / number combination of a memorable word or the place where he lost his virginity."

Security experts have the following top tips:

DO - 

Have a letter / number combination password
Keep it secret
Regularly review your online security


Tell people your passwords when drunk
Invite people to 'try to hack me'
Paint  your password on your house or tattoo it on the back of your hand.

In light of the security breach, Mr Fied is having his home demolished and replaced with a sculpture of Angry Birds.

In other news:

London Marathon runner admits 'I did it for the attention, not for the designated charity'

Warm day prompts 62% of people to say 'Oooh isn't it warm' on an hourly basis

Chocolate box admits 'I'm not the greatest metaphor for life'

Weather:  Refundable with a valid proof of purchase

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Windy Miller quits in windmill expenses scandal

Windy Miller, the popular character in the children's TV show 'Trumpton' has resigned in the wake of an expenses scandal that won't go away.

In a letter to the Mayor of Trumpton, Miller (47) said: "I have become a distraction from the great work this town is doing in highlighting the plight of animated communities."  The Mayor said he hoped that Miller would be able to return to animated life in future, possibly in the series 'Camberwick Green'.

Windy Miller was cleared of using a publicly funded windmill to house his parents at local taxpayers' expense, but was told to repay £2,000 of the expenses he claimed.  The independent commissioner for standards in Trumpton and Chigley had previously recommended he repay £20,000.
Villagers in Trumpton are divided in their opinions.  Local carpenter Chippy Minton felt sorry for Miller.  "This was clearly a mistake, just like the time Windy took all that grain and sold it to a dodgy foreign country.  I really think we should be more forgiving".  

Others were less forgiving.  "We never liked him anyway.  He always had his curtains drawn until midday and his bread was full of bits.  Good riddance" said local fireman Barney McGrew.

In other news:

Cute puppy admits 'I know exactly how to get what I want'

Hostel set up for those left homeless as a result of locksmiths' strike

Woman admits 'some days I can tell it isn't butter and that bothers me'

Weather:  Medium rare

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Shergar's black box detected

Racing pundits searching for the missing race horse Shergar have detected signals that may have come from its black box race recorder.

Shergar, which won the Epson Derby in 1981 has been missing since 1983 and despite 21 years without any sightings experts are optimistic that this signal is 'for real'.

Racing expert Enid Questrian said: "If you'll pardon the pun, we have gone to great lengths to search for this horse.  Horses don't just disappear and although the batteries in most racing horses only last a few weeks, it's possible that Shergar's black box could still be emitting a weak signal.

"That said, if you'll pardon the pun, we still have a number of hurdles to overcome.  We will need to get a proper reading on this signal.  This isn't easy to do because it's not, if you'll pardon the pun, stable".

The search continues.

In other news:

High number of phone thefts 'may be due to people needing to make urgent calls'

Big band music ruled illegal in Crawley

Google install 'money shower' at head office

Weather:  Out to tender due to efficiency drive

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Wookie cull pilot fails to control TB outbreak in mid rim territories

A bid to reduce the number of wookies in the Mytaranor system in the mid rim has failed after a recent pilot culling programme.

The wookie cull involved shooting wookies but failed, in part, because wookies are notoriously good with a blaster.  While many in the mid rim territories believe wookies spread TB and other diseases, an innoculation programme was initially ruled out due to sheer numbers and some of the wookies being uncomfortable with going to medical centres because they 'smelled something'.

The failed programme saw a fleet of attack droids descend upon Mytaranor and attempt to shoot wookies in areas where there were a large number of TB outbreaks.  However just a day into the pilot project, reports came back that the droids had their arms pulled out of their sockets and were unable to fire their weapons.

Protestors, who wore 'I'd rather kiss a wookie' t-shirts, have claimed victory and believe that a vaccination programme will now be rolled out.

The Empire's environmental spokesperson, Owen Patterson, said: "I suggest a new strategy.  Let the wookies win'.

In other news:

Inflation bites as half a pound of tuppeny rice and treacle no longer enough to make weasel pop

After extensive search, missing train found in cul-de-sac

After over 100 years of hilarity, the term 'hand cream' now downgraded to 'whimsical' 

Weather:  Judgemental with a hint of lust 

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Buzzfeed closes after taking one of its own quizzes

The Buzzfeed website has been forced to close after taking its own 'Which website are you?' quiz and discovering that it was Yahoo.

Former Buzzfeed president, Angelina Populist, said: "We have always believed our quizzes to be an accurate indicator of how things are in a person or corporation's real life.  For example, when I took the 'Which Star Wars character am I?' quiz and discovered I was Han Solo, I immediately started hanging out with large hairy people who looked like Chewbacca. 

"To discover that Buzzfeed was in fact Yahoo made us redundant as a site and we simply had to abide by our own decision.  Corporate life is like that.  You're only as good as your last quiz."

News reached Buzzfeed staff yesterday in the form of an internal company quiz called 'Which type of redundant employee are you?'.  Aaron Jumper, 26, who received the quiz result 'few transferrable skills' said: "It was a total shock.  One second I was writing '16 things you didn't know about Miley Cyrus' eyebrows' and the next I was taking a quiz about employee rights and the uncertainty of the current labour market."

Analysts have suggested the quiz may have been tampered with by a competitor company or hacker but this remains speculation as there is no one employed to generate a quiz called 'How to know if your quiz outcomes have been sabotaged."

In other news:

Parody websites see hit rates down on April 1st as mainstream media adopts their agenda

Speed dating evening called off due to stopwatch malfunction

Justin Bieber takes devil to court for illegal posession of his soul

Weather:  Password protected