Saturday, 31 May 2014

Edinburgh's Scalextric system takes first customers

Edinburgh's Scalextric service has taken its first paying customers as the much-delayed route from The Royal Mile to the South Bridge opens to the public.

The first car raced up The Mile at 8am today following six years of disruption and delays.  This includes an acrimonious dispute between the Council and the owners of the Scalextric brand, Hornby.

Hornby insist that the small car racing track would have been finished on budget, on time, if the council hadn't insisted on things like beurocracy, dithering and faffing.  

"The people of Edinburgh must feel very disappointed that it has taken the Council so long to figure out how to lay the track.  We put very clear instructions inside the box and there are even diagrams.  It's a shame that the town planners decided they knew best and took it upon themselves to assemble this in a way in which it was never designed to be put together.  We've basically had to take it all apart and start again." said a Hornby spokesperson.

The £299 extended track ended up costing the city £45,000 and "serious questions must be asked" about how this cost has risen so much.  Part of it is thought to be down to the Council offering free wifi in the cars on the track; something Hornby insist is unneccessary.  

"You can't fit anyone in the cars.  They're tiny.  Why do they need free wifi?"

In other news:

Winner of giant lemon eating contest accidentally comes second in gurning championship

New seat for those who like standing is simply 'a wall' according to critics

Barclays Bank opens gift shop by exit

Weather: Trapped wind in the south with occasional spitting and swearing

Friday, 30 May 2014

Facebook 'maybe' turns up at party

Gary Thompson of Brighton completely ruined a perfectly good party last night (Thursday) by turning up when he'd RSVP'd on Facebook as a 'maybe'.

Thompson, 27, has been accused by other party-goers as 'selfish' and the planned game of Wii tennis doubles had to be abandoned due to an uneven number of party goers.

"Everyone knows that a 'maybe' is just a gutless person's way of saying 'not attending'.  I can't believe Gary would use this loophole to get himself to our party and drink beer that we hadn't counted on being consumed" said party organiser Amy Black.  

"Facebook need to crack down on this.  It's a loophole in the system that needs to be removed.  I've been planning casual houseparties for six years now and we have never had a maybe turn up.  We all know the rules but some just exploit the possibility of attendance by actually following through on what I now see as a veiled threat rather than simply a cop-out from saying no."

Thompson was unavailable for comment but one of his friends said "In his defence, he always likes to have a back-up plan.  He's a busy man who likes to have options but I do think, on this occasion, he took things too far."

Facebook have responded by designing two new options for events on their site.  One is a "I'll keep you guessing" button and the other is "You seem nice but I'm just not bothered enough to attend".  These should be live on Facebook within a month.

In other news:

Train driver sings Wagner's entire Ring Cycle over intercom during cross country journey

Woman with without eyebrows admits 'people rarely detect my sarcasm'

Immunisation against 'puppy dog eyes' created from Tony Blair's blood

Weather:  The dull sequel to "yesterday's weather" with a misty jus.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Woman's greatest regret 'being too judgemental on Tinder'

A dying London woman has listed her number one regret as 'being too judgemental on Tinder'.  Elaine Burgess who is 104 years old, joined Tinder in January and admits she has suffered repetitive strain injury from swiping left too much on the dating app.

"I figured it would be nice to have some dates before I die.  However, I'm not attracted to most people my age so I set my age profile to view 40-something men.  With hindsight, this may have been a too restrictive boundary.  Even so, I didn't find myself swiping right very much.  Those slobs in their forties just don't know how to dress well. Too many hoodies and not enough suits."

Miss Burgess did get matched but broke contact with her match when he used the word 'effect' instead of 'affect'.  "That really was the final straw.  It's what sent me into a downward spiral."

Miss Burgess is now in hospital with a stress related condition from which she feels she's unlikely to recover.  "I'm 104 years old.  I've had a good time, but if I could give one piece of advice on living a fuller life it would be this: swipe right more."

In other news:

Man with duck for face leads new British political party

"Don't call it dessert" says new owner of 'Pudding Paradise'

Cow tipping at 10% now regarded as mean as 15% tips become standard

Weather:  Freaking out to the beat with scattered glow-sticks

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Family devastated by sudden loss of political leaflets

A Rotherham family has been left wondering what it did wrong after politicians stopped contacting them on Friday last week.

"I feel like we must smell or that a rumour about us got out" said Terry Fallon, 44.  "For weeks we have been getting really friendly emails, phone calls, letters... occasionally they would even call round and we would have tea together.  Ever since Friday, however, nothing.  It's almost as if now the elections are over, they aren't interested in us, but we don't believe they'd be that cynical so we really can't explain this".

Terry's wife Fiona may hold the key to the sudden loss of popularity the family have suffered.  "Last week I discovered my 12 year old son Adam had been involved in a fracas during a football game.  He was representing Rotherham under 16s.  This is a proud place.  He has clearly brought Rotherham a bad name in the under 16s football circuit and I can't blame people for taking this seriously.  This really is the only explanation for no more contact from politicians.  It really can't be simply because the elections are over.  I mean, they were so persistent in contacting us.  It's clear were were important to them.  This must be down to the actions of our family."

The family now fear that other locals may look at them in a bad light and are considering moving to a new town.

Recycling rates are also down week on week in Rotherham.

In other news:

Travel agent admits paying hairdresser to suggest holiday destinations to clients

People called 'Trevor' more likely to be socially awkward

Eyelashes no longer fashionable for rugby players

Weather:  All over your Instagram and in the background of most selfies.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

One in four men 'showboat' their internet history

A quarter of men regularly visit sites purely so that the address will be visible in their internet history.  The phenomenon, known as 'net showboating' has come to light in workplaces across Europe and the USA.

A YouPoll survey found that a large number of men go to sites such as Political Analysis World, Scientific Journal and Intelligence Digest purely so that they will show up on the 'history' tab and thus be seen by co-workers.

Susan Hancock of YouPoll said: "When asked, these men admitted that they put in 'vanity sites' into their history to make them appear more intelligent to co-workers.  However, there is a more practical use for such sites being recorded on your work computer.  It means that a random IT check would reveal to upper management your high-brow reading preferences.  In initial surveys this is believed to be at least as effective in helping you get a promotion as having an up-to-date LinkedIn profile, or brown nosing your boss".

The survey also revealed that TED talks were likely to be in the history or people with more left wing political views whereas pictures of apple pies were more likely to occupy up to 40% of the internet history of right wing political males.

YouPoll surveyed 2000 men in their workplace and looked at their internet history from the last week.   YouPoll also surveyed 2000 women and found that 50% of the history was intelligent work-related material and 50% was cat videos.

In other news:

Photo shows Ed Miliband likely a messy eater

New app allows phone users to only view pics of people's dinner

Plug pulled on National Bath Conference

Weather:  Stormy outbursts followed by tears.  In summary: Farage.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

'Take your problems to work day' is Wednesday

In a bid to encourage a better 'work / life balance' a new initiative has been launched in New York.  "Take your problems to work day" encourages those for whom taking work home in the evening has left them no time to deal with their problems.

Major corporations are offering time to discuss matters such as "Which college is best for my child?", "Are these hives serious?" and "Is that gas I can smell in my hallway?"

Gary Mead, founder of "Take your problems to work day" says HR departments across the western world should get on board with the idea.  "I used to go home some days after working for a major bank and carry on working.  Some days I'd forget minor problems like running out of antacids.  Other days I'd be so busy working out how to structure a client's loan payments that I'd forget my child was lying in the kitchen with a broken leg.  Work can sometimes be all-consuming."

Some of the benefits of a work / life balance are believed to be feelings of well-being, time doing things you enjoy and not being a dick.

HR departments who wish to take part in Wednesday's event can contact a 24 hour hotline which is constantly staffed by Gary Mead.  "I care so much about this project I've made myself available anytime to talk about it".

In other news:

House prices rise due to people charging more

Kim and Kanye wedding set to break showbiz records for tastelessness

Airwick start selling new "pheromone" plug-in for orgies

Weather:  Like being hugged by a wet dog in an oven

Monday, 19 May 2014

Dramatic tension dominates awards at BAFTA night


Dramatic tension was the night's big winner at last night's BAFTA TV Awards.  The average number of seconds between envelopes containing the winning name being opened and the award being announced reached 13 seconds - a new record.
The award for 'Best Drama' still hasn't been announced however, in a controversial move which has seen actors Julie Walters and Michael Fenton-Stevens waiting for a whopping 17 hours without announcing the winner.  They currently remain on stage with both the envelope open and their mouths open, poised to announce the winner at any moment.  Probably.
Director of the event, Carl Miller, said this year's BAFTAs proved the art of the dramatic pause truly belonged to Britain.
"The nation's breath has never been so bated.  I've not known this level of breath bating before, not even in 1977 when, in an error that is rarely spoken of, the envelope for 'Best Special Effects' was accidentally left empty."
It's unclear who will win Best Drama but it's highly likely that the several hours of pausing before announcing the award will be up for Best Drama next year.

In other news:
Ellie Goulding questioned by police for 'simply letting it burn'
British people delighted to be able to get sunburn after two days of sunshine
Coffee-based cold drinks condemned by the UN for being 'icky and undrinkable'
Weather:  Over the limit with occasional emotional outbursts

Saturday, 17 May 2014

Heatwave causes hotness to rise to 'Efron levels'

As a heatwave grips Britain, official figures suggest that parts of the UK are hotter than Zac Efron.

While most of the rest of Europe is mired in average hotness, the UK is officially 'Efron Hot' according to Sandy Phillips of the British Met Office.

"Usually the UK experiences the hotness of an attractive neighbour or that barista you flirt with on Fridays.  This weekend, however, the weather is Hollywood A list and people with medical conditions associated with severe attraction should stay indoors in case they swoon" said Phillips.

The weather is being caused by high pressure location shoots moving across the Atlantic bringing hotness for an extended period.  

However, it's not all good news.  In two weeks the UK is expecting the temperature to drop to 'creepy guy in the corner of nightclub' by July.


In other news:

Infographic illustrating the uses of infographics causes universe to implode temporarily

Regional newsreader admits 'we make up the animal stories for lolz'

Drama student finds huge use for degree in her new job as data input clerk

Weather: You read the article above, right? Seriously, you people!

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

New stamps to feature selfie of Queen

The Royal Mail has announced a new set of stamps featuring different selfies taken by Queen Elizabeth II.

The range celebrates the Queen's first smartphone (believed to be an iPhone) which she is understood to have accessorised with a Union Jack flag encrusted in diamonds on the back.

The new 'selfie stamp' follows the recent spate of Instagram the Queen has been posting on Instagram.  Royal watchers are divided about the Queen's venture into social media with some thinking that her Twitter rant about Britain's Got Talent went beyond usual royal protocol.

The Queen's husband, Prince Philip, recently shut down his Facebook page shut down after a series of status updates that praised UKIP candidates for their recent remarks.  On one occasion he posted "This latest outburst was worthy of me.  I only wish I'd thought of it sooner."

The Royal Mail says it anticipates a new set of stamps based on Prince Harry's Snapchat pictures by the end of the year.


In other news:

Man awarded Nobel Prize for opening a Tesco self-serve carrier bag

Three women admit to having got drunk on the Vengabus - but they 'didn't get off between stops'

Republican Repeaters are favourites in National Tautology Contest due to being the better regarded team

Weather:  Moderate sass with barometric bitching by morning

Monday, 5 May 2014

Essex man proves masculinity by barbecuing a whole zebra

As Britain enjoys a sunny Monday away from work, a man in Essex has barbecued a whole zebra in an effort to prove he's not 'a mummy's boy'.

The zebra, which went missing from a local zoo at 11.22pm on Sunday was served up in toasted buns this afternoon in the unnamed man's back garden to a small crowd of invited guests.  It follows an incident the night before when his masculinity was called into question for ordering a Bacardi Breezer.

One eyewitness said "It was incredible.  I've never seen a barbecue that huge before.  There was this huge thing which I mistook for a horse, about four inches away from a large number of hot coals.  It really was the most manly thing I've seen in my life.  This guys is all testosterone."

The zoo was unavailable for comment but they are understood to be unlikely to prosecute given a man's masculinity was on the line.  

In other news:

Cat decides to look both ways before crossing road

Motorways to have a new 'weekend driver' lane

Denver psychic predicts 'there will be some weather next'

Weather:  Not as hot as your mom