Thursday, 19 June 2014

Helpline set up for those affected by Facebook going down

Facebook was unavailable for around 15 minutes at 9am GMT this morning (Thurs) and the repercussions are being felt across the world.

The outage left people concerned and confused: "For a second I thought to myself 'I wonder if cats still exist?'.  I didn't know if it was just my wifi so I immediately took to Twitter to see what was happening.  The hashtag #FacebookFail told me all I needed to know".

The UK Government has set up a helpline for those who feel emotionally distressed after this incident.  A spokesman said:  "We've set up this line but we are getting no calls because it seems people have completely forgotten how to use the phone.  We are now in the process of setting up a Snapchat account so that people can send us a picture of their distressed face.  A trained psychiatrist will view all the pictures and arrange an intervention if they are deemed to be at serious risk of going back to MySpace".

In unrelated news, 9am - 9.15am was the most productive fifteen minutes for UK industry in 8 years.

In other news:

Survey shows people who "don't want to be that guy" often are

Husband of woman who sneezes twice every minute gives up saying "bless you"

Close harmony group disband citing musical similarities 

Weather:  Raving to a hard bass until midday with minimal pint spillage until 3pm

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Now LinkedIn can show you who's getting fired

The social network for professionals, LinkedIn, has added a feature that tells viewers who is most likely to get fired this month.

Although it's still in Beta, the feature predicts who is most likely to get fired based purely on the number of updates they've made to their profile in the last week.  Those who have updated most often are most at risk of 'wanting to concentrate on new projects'.

Adrian Hargreaves, CEO of LinkedIn, said "We designed this feature for the office gossip;  That person who makes it their business to know everyone else's business.  We will flag up these profiles on a new list which will have an icon of a redundancy slip next to it.  I cannot stress enough that we want to do this tastefully so in order to do this, all the profiles will be put in soft focus to make the pictures look more appealing."

LinkedIn, the site that hates being called "Facebook for business" is also launching a new feature that tells you if your boss likes you.  The more likely they are to recommend you on LinkedIn, the more likely they are to hate you and want you to leave according to LinkedIn's extensive hunches on the matter.

In other news:

Timehop app causes man to realise what a jerk he was on Twitter a year ago

Most people in retail "dress for the customer they want to date"

Historic peace agreement reached in Big Brother house

Weather:  Only available in vanilla until the next delivery

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Tony Blair: I'm not to blame for me

In a surprising intervention into the debate about his legacy, Tony Blair today claimed he is not responsible for himself.

"I am not, and have never been, responsible for myself.  You really can't blame me for anything because I am operated via satellite by megalomanic computer salesman in Burton Upon Trent" said Mr Blair during an probing, insightful political interview on the BBC's The One Show.

The interview, which followed a short piece on how marzipan was made during the Second World War, focussed on Mr Blair's own decision to go to war and his breaking of manifesto pledges to students despite gaining two large parliamentary majorities.

"Let me be absolutely clear;  I am being operated by remote control.  If it was up to me I'd have been a member of a cool rock band like Two Unlimited or something.  I'm not in control of myself and I am, therefore, not to blame for anything.  As a result people really should give me a break and re-elect me".

Two Unlimited were unavailable for comment.

In other news:

Travel writer admits "Sometimes I don't leave the hotel if Game of Thrones is on cable"

Phone fails to sync with cloud 'for moral reasons'

Religious women try their hand at comedy in "Nun Pun Fun" contest

Weather: Keepin' it real until midday with a 'tude that could freeze an ice pop.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Excitement builds for Rounders World Cup in Brazil

The wait is over as the sporting world turns its eyes to Brazil for the start of the Rounders World Cup.  The sport, widely recognised as 'much overlooked after the age of 12' will be the focus of attention for the next month as teams play in the heat to take home the ultimate prize - a boiled turtle egg.

The game, made popular by Girl Guides, will take centre stage tonight after an opening ceremony worthy of an upmarket garden party.  Former X Factor star Joe McEldery will sing the opening song "These white squares" and Celine Dion has sent her cat to be the official mascot. 

The President of FIRA (Federation of International Rounders Associations) Pedro Smith said: "Literally some people are going to watch the highlights of this.  It's incredible.  We've charged Brazil a massive amount of money to stage this and we are pretty much keeping all of it, in the name of sport."

One bystander said "Rounders?  Oh, I'm not here for the rounders.  I'm here to see Celine Dion's cat."

In other news:

Home Secretary admits "The minutes are in the conservatory"

Giant colander admits "It's hard to meet girls when you look like a giant colander"

Civil servant admits leaking radiation to the tabloid press

Weather:  Unavailable for seasons until the conclusion of an official investigation into forecast fixing

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Passport backlog down to hilarious photos

The Passport Office has admitted that it is failing to cope with applications because it is having to control bouts of laughter due to funny photographs of the public.
The Operations Manager said more than 47% of standard passport applications contained a picture that was "hilarious" and a further 9% contained pictures that "creeped staff the hell out".
A Home Office spokesperson said: "We are deeply concerned about the time lost to laughter amongst our workforce.  We really need the public to avoid any expressions where they might look like they are severely constipated, surprised or about to commit a string of mass murders."
A small number of passport applications will be so hilarious that trained counsellors have been put on standby to deal with outbursts of hysteria.  One man's picture was deemed so funny that only specialists are allowed to deal with his passport at major airports across the world.
"He looked like a llama that had just been goosed.  It was crazy.  All ports are now assigned a specialist to check his identification.  It's a shame because in real life the man looks fairly normal.  He's like a cross between Simon Cowell and a meerkat".
In other news:
Respected judge, Justice Brian Payne, to become X Factor judge
Scottish independence "will bring about world peace" says ambitious Salmond
Green Party leader admits "I prefer burgundy as a colour but I'm hamstrung"
Weather: Scattered memes with the promise of shallow 'enlightenment'

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Obama has impromptu walkabout in living room

In a break from Presidential security protocol, Barack Obama has gone for an unscheduled walkabout in the White House living room.  At 8.05am today he walked from the Oval Office and burst into the living room, shaking hands with his kids and asking if the sofa covers might need a wash soon.

Accompanied by security staff, who were clearly nervous at this deviation from normal arrangements, Obama chatted with his wife saying "Great to see you here.  Do you often use this room?"  

One visitor who was over from across the street to borrow an iPod charger said "He just walked in there, poured a coffee and watched five minutes of Good Morning America while chatting to his wife and kids like they were family.  He was so natural with them."

This isn't the first time the President has 'gone rogue' and spoken to people.  In 2013 he decided to chat with a gas station attendant by winding down the window on this limousine.

In other news:

David Cameron says "schools should teach more good stuff and less bad stuff"

"Jump Street" movie sequels to increase by doubling numbers.  44 Jump Street due in 2015.

America's Next Top Muppet to hit screens next season.

Weather:  Gentle and brave but gallant and bold - check before you travel

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Peppa Pig caught eating bacon sandwich

Children's television star Peppa Pig has admitted she has a "lot of growing up to do" after a video emerged appearing to show her eating a bacon sandwich.
The star tweeted an apology to fans on Saturday saying "I saw Ed Miliband try it and got tempted. This was wrong."
The video was originally published by Farming Weekly which defended the publication of this private photo as being in 'the public interest'.
Reactions from Peppa's fans has been mixed.  Amy Blackwell, 4, said "The social and political implications of this are far reaching.  Peppa is turning her back on traditional values and providing a poor role model for children like me.  I'm writing to broadcasters to ask them to consider more wholesome character choices in future".
However Ben Ungar, 3, said "This is a fuss over nothing.  Lots of people love a good bacon sandwich and just because Peppa Pig is a pig it doesn't mean the lure of a fry-up is any less seductive."
This scandal has echos of the Porky Pig 'gammon incident' of 1985 and Peppa is believed to be getting advice and counselling from members of the porcine artistic community.

In other news: 
New sport of 'sexy chess' bought by Sky Sports
Man offering shoulder rubs in bar exposed as having no formal massage qualifications
YouTube commenter admits being "bitter, sad and illiterate" in new posting

Weather:  Free before 5pm with a surcharge for soiling