Thursday, 22 January 2015

Chilcot enquiry delayed until relevant emojis can be found

The Chilcot Report inquiry into the Iraq War will not be published until relevant emojis can be found, according to an insider.

Sir John Chilcot was expected to confirm in a text to David Cameron that it would be delayed until after the election as "no one can find a suitable emoji for the term weapons of mass destruction".

While there has been some criticism of the decision to delay the report, many young voters have admitted that they won't understand the document if it's just text.  Jackie Hill from Gravesend, Kent said "I know some people will think it's dumbing down, I don't really give a *smiling pile of poo emoji*"

There are believed to have been problems getting emojis from Apple phones to match up with Android users.  An insider from the team compiling the report said "We have managed to find an emoji to signify 'war criminal' just down from the 'sassy camel' emoji on iOS8 but Android phones only have an emoji for a 'dictator' and that not the same thing at all".

The report will now not be published after this May's election - the first election which allows voters to rank candidates on the ballot by using smiley faces.

In other news:
Man's iTunes invoice proves he was in 'a bad place' when he last binge downloaded songs

Rihanna wins legal battle against her hair

Cigarette manufacturers deny tempting kids to smoke with new Barney The Dinosaur packaging

Weather: Unrequited sunshine leading to miserable showers later. Unpredictable. Keep your distance.