Monday, 29 February 2016

Donald Trump Wins Oscar For "Horrifying Portrayal" Of Election Candidate

Donald Trump has won his first Academy Award, claiming best actor for his performance as an intolerant, ultra-right wing candidate in the political epic "Election 2016".

The 69 year-old had previously been nominated five times for his role in The Apprentice but
Donald Trump - photo credit: Gage Skidmore
the Academy ultimately felt he wasn’t a convincing businessman.

Trump played “Donald Trump, Republican Nominee” in the film “Election 2016” and is known for catchphrases such as “I have a great relationship with the Mexican people” and also “Mexico are sending people that have lots of problems, and they are bringing those problems to us. They are bringing drugs, and bringing crime, and their rapists”

Other awards also went to some other white people.

In other news:

“Does my trunk look big in this?” asks tree and elephant at same time

Tellytubbies criticized by obesity campaigners

Prosecco sales fall as middle class find another shiny thing to obsess about

Weather: Handsomely fresh with fresh prince by afternoon. In summary – super duper.

Friday, 26 February 2016

"I Can Do Deal For Oxygen In Space" - Michael Howard

Former Conservative leader Michael Howard is backing an exit from an "outdated, flawed and failing space ship".

The former minister is taking place in “Conservatives In Space” a new Channel 4 reality show where 20 prominent members of the Tory Party are sent to orbit the earth in a giant space station.

Mr Howard went into the “diary room” and said that he wanted to go out into space on his own arguing that he had the ability to negotiate deals on oxygen and space suits with the universe.

But Chancellor George Osborne has said if everyone in the space ship voted to leave it would cause mass deaths due to lack of oxygen and atmosphere.

The vote on whether to stay in or out of the space ship will be held later this year. If more than half of the Conservatives vote to leave, all of them will be jettisoned to certain death, as the space ship breaks apart.

The Liberal Democrats, who were due to be in the space ship until last year’s pre-launch election, expressed relief that they weren’t about to be sent into oblivion. "We've done that already. We really don't want to do it twice" said a spokesperson.